Letter to M

[Elphanigh]

This one will likely be mutltistage as I don't think I could ever write this in one setting, and it will be a long time before I am out of things that some part of me wishes I could tell her. Even just this little intro brings tears to the back of my eyes.

Also TW just in case for mentions of  physical abuse, rape, foo issues





Dear M,

Where to even start, I guess an I love you is in order because that much is true.  A lot about my life as you see it isn't. I wasn't the carefreekid, with perfect grades, and a glowing smile, well I was the kid but it certainly all of me. I held onto that version of myself to get through everything.

You know that little boy you asked me about all those years ago, about 11 to be precise? Well he did a lot more than just grope me through my clothes once. And that babysitter that you caught watching adult videos, she gave me some of my scariest memories/nightmares.  I was anything but the innocent child you saw me as, before I was even 7 I had seen torture that I would never wish on any living soul. I had been told I was never going to amount to anything, and that my only use was for his pleasure. I had been told that people I loved would suffer if I ever said anything. I had become a fighter because I had to.


Never did you draw together the signs. You were too busy making me the perfect daughter, that was also somehow to blame for everything. I was responsible for your health more than any child should be. I saw you collapse and knew to call dad, I kept you sane through your migraines even if you wouldn't remember it later. The rest of the house needed me too. I protected my siblings from your fights with dad, or yelling matches with my uncle. I made sure the Angie got pointed at me so if anyone swung it wouldn't be at me. I was used to being hit by others so why would I fear it from you or dad?

You were so busy fighting and dealing with your own pain that you never saw me. You didn't see my anxiety as a symptom of something happening rather as a defect of a sensitive child. The days that I couldn't even simply ask to go to the bathroom in class as something to be fixed, not something to be looked into as something bigger. You didn't check on me outside. Had you looked out our front window for even a few minutes you could of saved me possibly thousands of rape incidents...


That's what happened.. I got raped and hit, and emotionally dragged for 7 years while you could have stopped it from square one. It was always there to see but you were to blind, and I was too good in school and the perfect child so there's could never be anything wrong with me. Before I was 13, before you asked about that boy... I had been raped every day normally multiple times for 7 years under your roof. I had been traded to other people, pushed into rocks, and even shoved into the side of the car. That dent the bike made... that was my body hitting it so hard it shook. I had seen more as a 13 year old than most people do in a life time.

Someone could have diagnosed me with PTSD before I was a teenager.. before I ever left middle school. But you didn't see, you never saw, never heard me....



To be continued, that is all I can do today.

[Blueberry]

Elpha, I just want to let you know that I read. If appropriate  otherwise just sitting with you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for reading that, it is a hard one to get through I imagine.    is definitely appropriate. I really appreciate it.

[Three Roses]

I want you to know that you are seen and heard here, by me and others. Not the same I know but I hope it's comforting anyway. 

[Elphanigh]

It is very comforting. I gave been feeling the need to be seen and heard a lot this week, so it means the world 

[Elphanigh]

Dear M,

I am less angry with you now. I don't forgive you, but I am learning to accept you as you are. Seeing you for the trip opened my eyes a lot, and I feel comfortable saying that you are not my job. It is not my job to please or to make you feel better. My job is to live my life and be who it is that I am becoming. That is not the people pleasing little one you knew, I have come far from those days.

I still grieve for what I wish we could have. I do wish that I could feel safe telling you my story, that you would respond in the caring way that you do to your patients. I wish that you cared for me unconditionally and that my "me too" would be heard and valued in your life.

However, I know that it isn't my fault those things don't happen. I am not to blame for the relationship we don't get to have. I am not to blame for the years of abuse or for whatever reaction you may have if I do ever allow you to know my truth. I am also not obligated to share my truth with you. That is my decision to make. Some may believe you deserve to know, that I was your child and under your care so you deserve to know what you missed and what you could have prevented. That seems a little short sighted and malicious in some ways. If I do tell you it will no longer be out of anger or spite. It won't be to make you see how awful you are. Because I can accept your short comings.

You did try in a lot of ways. You didn't always succeed at meeting my basic needs, more lacking in the emotional needs part of that than any other area. You were sick and that doesn't make it better but it means I can start to move on. I can start to accept things as they were and as they are. I deserve to do that. I deserve to move on. I needed you then and some small part of me needs you now but I am growing and healing without you. I will be my own strong, independent, and full person without your input. None of this work and the way I turned out gets to be credit to you at this point.

That being said, I do see where your influence was positive. I saw you care for others unconditionally, I watched as you showed me the work ethic it took to go to school and work and have kids (although that last one fell on my shoulders a lot) the work ethic you show now in your career is admirable.  I learned that adults are fallible, which was a hard lesson to learn but it has helped me at different points in my life. I learned to be fiercely independent because I watched and read stories about independent women through your suggestion. I don't credit you with the adult I have become because I have done the healing work on my own, well not alone but not with you. I have found a support system of people that truly care for me, and listen to me when I need to be heard. 

I do love you, but I am not longer enmeshed or dependent on you. My boundaries are stronger and I am a lot wiser.

I can't say I am thankful for you yet, maybe in time, but right now I can say I accept you. I accept you as you are and as you were. I will no longer try to change that. It isn't for me to do.

Warmly,
Elpha

[Three Roses]

Wow. Just... wow. Strong, decisive, insightful. You rock!

[Elphanigh]

Three Roses, your comment made me go back and reread what I wrote. It was just what was coming to mind because I felt an urge to write to her today.  I am surprised how strong and decisive I come across. It feels much different than my initial angry letter to her. Even just a span of a month and half has really altered how I see her and how I deal with that part of my reality.

Thank you for reading and for kind words. It is good to hear myself described as "strong, decisive, insightful" I will hold onto that. 

[Elphanigh]

It has been a long time since I have written one of these, and there are several I need to write but this is what feels pressing:

Dear M,

I have been thinking about telling you this all week. In fact, I almost told you that night when you texted me to make sure that my night out was fun and safe. I answered you probably an hour after he had raped me. Instead of telling you in that moment I said, "It was really fun, I was just tired and crashed when I got to the hotel". Part of me wishes I had been honest that night and had an open door to a motherly sort of caring that maybe you would have given in that moment.  I still think about telling you, still think about being honest with you and giving you the chance to be the M I need right now.

There is still a part of me that is terrified of that night, and scared to know I have so little control over others. I am still scared that I can choose all of the "right" and responsible things and still put myself in danger. I hate that I couldn't stop him that night and want to think that maybe you would understand that.  I want to believe you would take me in your arms and tell me it would all be okay one day. That you would want to be here to lift me up and support me as I go through this new thing. I want to believe you would be different than when I was a kid.. to believe that maybe just maybe you could be the mom I need now.

So this is me telling you, as much as I can. I was so responsible that night, I chose to not drink and chose to drive on my own, to go back to my own space and not his. I chose to make sure someone else knew where I was and what was happening. I chose to wear the right clothes and be covered in all the correct places. When I decided I was okay with sleeping with him I chose somewhere I thought I had power, I read him as much as could to ensure he was a safe enough person. I did everything I could. It was good for a while, and I was right for a while. When he turned violent I tried to fight. I pushed his arms and tried to kick him but was pinned down. I tried so hard to be the strong woman you taught me to be. I tried and froze because I was scared. I want you to  understand I did everything I could, and I need someone to see that. I need you to recognize that and still be here for me. I need you to not blame me for this, and to give me what I need. This isn't about you, it is very personal for me and one of the most difficult things I have lived through. I need my mom who is selfless and compassionate, maybe even wise in this space.

I need you to not push me to report him, or to talk more about it. I need you to be okay that I am still going to move to Iowa and support that decision not try to scare me away from it. I need you to back me up here. I need you to tell me all of it will be okay and that I am no different in your eyes than I was before. I need to know I am loved and good still.

I love you more than I am ever willing to say, and I need you here. I need your help even when I hate to ask for it.

[Blueberry]

Dear Elpha,

I am not your M but I see that you did everything possible you could in advance and at the time. with "in advance" I mean careful planning and deciding. You did everything possible and more. I see and know.

I wish you a selfless and compassionate mom. Is EMS helpful?

BB

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry,

Thank you for for seeing that, and seeing me. That means the world to me, I wish I could express that better to you right now.

I wish my M was selfless and compassionate too, but I know I can't trust her enough to tell her and risk it. EMS is helpful when I remember. The reminder she was there is perfectly timed. She can see and believe all of the things my M needs to. Not the same but still a mother figure of sorts to hold some of this.