Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

Deep Blue · September 18, 2018, 09:02:03 PM

Well, I never thought I would do it, but today I feel I need to begin my own journal.

The last month has had such low lows, that I've been feeling very lost.

(Possible trigger warning: mention of suicide)

Things went south right as the school year started. A student at my school died by suicide. I didn't know him well and had only met him a couple times. I am very very close with his older sister. The sister graduated last year and was the only graduation party I went to. The sister played soccer for my husband's team, is my son's babysitter and she calls me mom.

The day it occured she reached out to me beyond upset. Who could blame her? Well I did the best I could, I encouraged her whole family to go to counseling.

As a teacher, I sometimes say that it's my job to save every kid that walks through my door. That's why I got into the profession. I needed an adult to step in during my abuse. Instead I fell through the cracks of the system. My pain was masked from the world. My CPTSD gives me an edge on helping others. I'm sure many are the same way. I can often read people quickly, especially when they are suffering.

1.5 days after the suicide, the sister showed up at school. Long story short I got a counselor to see her immediately. They walked her out of my room (I was teaching) and she grabbed hold of me and wouldn't let go. She sobbed and I told her it's ok... I'll see you at the funeral. They pried her fingers from me and bink! I lost it... 20 minutes erased from my memory. I was told later that I was escorted to the counselor myself. I had just sort of snapped. I had dissociated and wasn't making any sense.

Within a week my grandfather then died of a short but brutal illness. This happened 2 days before my birthday.

It was the worst birthday I can remember. My grandmother was in mourning and my husband ditched me to go watch a soccer game on my birthday. I pleaded with him to be with me, that I was having a tough time. Nope! I have never felt so let down in my marriage of 5 years. Anyway, we skipped my birthday, ate leftovers and that was it...

I know it's a rough note to start my first journal but I hope to find balance through this process.

sanmagic7 · September 18, 2018, 11:16:38 PM

sweetie, thanks for sharing, and good for you for beginning this process. i know that these journals have helped me tremendously by allowing the eyes of others to see what i might be missing. that has brought balance along the way more times than i can count.

i'm so very sorry about all these horrid events you've had to go thru this past year. yeah, as a therapist working with teenage girls, my ideal was to save every single one of them, so i get that. unfortunately, the reality is different. some are just beyond our reach, which was a difficult concept to accept. still, i know that you are positively impacting many in ways that don't show or that you may never know.

birthdays are special for me - i've always loved them and have felt a bit cheated when they didn't go the way i wanted. may i add a 'grrrrr' that your husband was insensitive about yours? i hate that that happened to you. sucks.

i do hope you find what you're looking for thru your journal, maybe even more than you expected. you are so very special, so giving and generous, i just want that coming back to you, too. sending much love and a hug full of 'you are precious'.

Wattlebird · September 19, 2018, 02:16:46 AM

Hey deep blue
Welcome to journaling, you have had a rough time, hopefully journaling will relieve some of the pain and/or pressure.
I feel like it's a way of releasing these thoughts that go round and round in my head.

Wb

Deep Blue · September 20, 2018, 12:12:43 AM

San,
Thanks for reminding me that I do help a lot of kids. During open house this year, I had a parent ask me "do you want the students to like you?" I replied yes. They asked why... I said because if I can get to their hearts, it's easier to get to their minds. Thanks for the hug full of precious too

Wattlebird,
Thanks for the encouragement. Hopefully journaling will help me clear my head a bit.
—————————————————-
This week has already been exhausting and it's only Wednesday!

I decided to take tomorrow off work. I just need a mental health day.

Trigger warning (physical abuse)

In the last week I've only had 1 real night of sleep. My postpartum friend snapped with her son. She hit him repeatedly with a belt. (He's only 7 years old).

Belts are my biggest trigger. The last week I've been up every night with flashbacks and nightmares. I went in to freeze mode with my friend. I didn't reply to anything she did. So now I relive horrible memories every night when I close my eyes.

Day by day I'm losing steam and am having a harder time keeping my head clear. I've been doing all the self care I can think of and it's not enough. I crave SH.

I knew I hit my limit when a student came to me for help this week. I passed her off on someone else. That's not who I am. I was very cognizant of the fact that I wasn't in a good enough head space to help her.

Anyway taking the day off tomorrow. Deep breaths and hoping for a good night's sleep.

Blueberry · September 20, 2018, 06:51:22 AM

Quote from: Deep Blue on September 20, 2018, 12:12:43 AM
I knew I hit my limit when a student came to me for help this week. I passed her off on someone else. That's not who I am. I was very cognizant of the fact that I wasn't in a good enough head space to help her.

As hard as it may have been for you to pass the student onto someone else (because you don't normally do that), that also sounds like very good self-care

. For all the reasons further up in your post, this is a hard week for you. Self comes first - you probably know the breathing apparatus in airplane analogy? First attach your own, then your child's. I'm pretty bad at 'self comes first' myself so can spot it when somebody else manages.

Sceal · September 20, 2018, 10:20:10 AM

I am glad to hear that you decided to take the day off, it sounds as if you really needed that this week.
You have alot to deal with and process ontop of your CPTSD and flashbacks.
It's vital to take a break sometimes.

Deep Blue · September 20, 2018, 07:01:28 PM

Blueberry, I do know the air mask analogy. I'm terrible at it. As a teacher, parent, wife, daughter, I've never been good at putting myself first. I'm glad I stepped back this time, but I still feel guilt over it.

Sceal, thanks for reminding me to take time off. I just feel like it's been the constant bailing of water lately and I needed a day to patch the boat so to say.
————————————————
So I'm taking the day off today. I'm trying to take care of myself and ignore that my house is perpetually messy.

I don't want to go to therapy later today. I've been with my T for almost 3 years now. I never was a needy client. It used to be that I only reached out if I was really struggling. Only once In the first 2 years had I ever needed to have an extra session. This week, I emailed her 5 of the 7 days between sessions.

I feel needy and pathetic. My world has been so shaken the past month and I just feel so alone.

I open up on this forum and to my T. No one else knows my story outside of the OOTS community and her. My friends and husband know nothing of my abuse. Only 1 friend seems to notice if I fight, flight or freeze. (I'm a freezer every time).

Just cuz one friend knows when I am struggling, I don't want her to become a counselor for me. I just bottle it up and that's that. The last month, it's like I have been holding it in for too long.

How do I move forward without being open that I'm struggling. I ghosted on a friend since last week. She always said she would be there if I needed her. Then she did something that triggered me. I have not spoken to her since.

No one helps me when I'm struggling because no one knows why I'm struggling. I have started a couple letters to my husband and I still hate myself. Who would care about this damaged, irrational person?

I have so many different personas that I have no idea who I really am. Am I the teacher that cares fiercely for her students? Am I the quirky funny friend that lightens the mood and is strangely perceptive? Am I the athlete that kicks your butt? Am I the wife that always has a house that smells of cookies because she bakes so much? Or am I this damaged, lazy person that is the real reason she was abused? It's my fault! Who could love this?

Sceal · September 20, 2018, 07:43:45 PM

Darling Deep Blue,

You're not needy and you're not pathetic. You are in a terrible place right now and you are reaching out because you need help, comfort and love.

Which you DO deserve. Yes, you really-really do. There is nothing wrong with reaching out to your T when you need help. As you say, you've been with her for 3 years, that is a long time. You reaching out to her now 5/7 days should signal to your T that you are under enormous pressure, and are in dire need of help and comfort these days. That does NOT mean you are needy or pathetic. It means you are a human with human needs.

You didn't deserve your abuse, none of us did - although I can relate all too much to the thought that it is "my fault". It is easier to blame one self, because yourself is the only one you can change. And it is also easier to believe that you are the evil one in the world, rather than believing that you are the only good person in an evil world. (If that makes sense?). What I am trying to say is this; I do not believe that you are a damaged or a lazy person. You've been hurt, abused and damaged at the behest of people who never should have laid a finger on you, or covertly made you believe that you are less than them. The fault is with them, not you.

As for who you are? Can you not be all of those things:

QuoteAm I the teacher that cares fiercely for her students? Am I the quirky funny friend that lightens the mood and is strangely perceptive? Am I the athlete that kicks your butt? Am I the wife that always has a house that smells of cookies because she bakes so much?

?

I understand you can't believe in yourself at this moment in time, but let me believe in you for you until you can.

Blueberry · September 20, 2018, 08:00:01 PM

Deep Blue,

I'm at a loss for words so sending

instead. With practice/usage, the guilt feeling over putting self first will probably lessen. It has for me.

Deep Blue · September 20, 2018, 11:06:04 PM

Sceal,
My day has turned around because of your words and my session. She said she had wanted to see me Monday but didn't have any slots. She reassured me that I'm not a lost cause. Even when I told her that maybe I was smarter than her and that maybe she was wrong and that I was a waste of space. Thanks for your words of caring and validation. What would I do without you Sceal?

Blueberry,
Thanks for the hugs. I have had many of those no words days. Thanks for reaching out even though you are having a struggle yourself.
——————————————————
My session with my T was really needed and I'm exhausted but glad I went. I had a raging headache when I went in and that lasted the whole session unfortunately.

She said I was looking worse than last week but didn't judge me or scold me for going back to SH as a coping method.

I told her that if she's going to ditch me, please give me a weeks notice. I said before she pushes me on someone else, to let me know that! She assured me she isn't going anywhere. She said she knows if I contact her between sessions is always because I'm struggling. I guess I wasn't lookin too hot either cuz she wants to see me again on Monday. (Hopefully I can't do too much more damage to myself by then)

I'm feeling better post session. My headache is gone and my hands stopped shaking. My son and I are watching ninja turtles right now and he is cuddled up with me. Nothing is more grounding than that

Thanks for this community.

Wattlebird · September 21, 2018, 11:38:57 AM

I hope u believe your therapist, you are not a lost cause, you are actively trying to improve your life, I know it is dreadfully hard but that doesn't mean you can't do it, I have faith in u, last week I believed my therapist would think I was a horrible person because I don't want to be friends with my abuser

So we tend to project our feelings on to others and sometimes we are wrong.
Sorry for telling you that ur wrong but sorry I refuse to believe you are a lost cause

Deep Blue · September 21, 2018, 01:44:26 PM

Ha ha,
Thanks wattlebird! I need to be wrong sometimes

sanmagic7 · September 21, 2018, 02:04:24 PM

you dear sweet thing you. i agree with what everyone says, and also believe you're wrong about being a lost cause or that any of the abuse is your fault. our traumas distort our perceptions and perspectives because they have distorted our abilities to think logically about ourselves. you would never think these things about others, yet it comes so easily to think them about yourself.

sending you so much love, my dear. and a big hug filled with truth and clarity along with an embrace to just gather you in with warmth and caring.

Deep Blue · September 21, 2018, 09:38:16 PM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 21, 2018, 02:04:24 PMour traumas distort our perceptions and perspectives because they have distorted our abilities to think logically about ourselves. you would never think these things about others, yet it comes so easily to think them about yourself.

Wow San! You are so right. It's crazy how easy it comes to me to criticize myself when I wouldn't ever do it to someone else. It's hard to notice it... thanks for pointing it out.
——————————————————
Much better day today. I slept much better last night and work went smoothly. The kids missed me at school. Some students cheer when there is a sub. Nope! Not my students! They are so sweet and talked about how they didn't like the sub and how they are glad I was back.

My weekend is busy, but sometimes that's a good thing. I'm looking forward to some cooler weather and there is some in the forecast tomorrow

TGIF!!!

Jdog · September 22, 2018, 12:33:57 AM

Deep Blue-

Oh, fellow teacher, I sure do know those times when we reach out to help students and get triggered over the whole thing. And the self doubt that follows is so nasty. Hard to be kind to ourselves when we get hit by EFs out of the clear blue sky.

You have done a terrific job coping with so much. Your therapist sounds like a caring person, one who knows how hard you try and who thinks of your long term wellbeing. I'm glad you have her.

Your students really like you, and that's wonderful. They feel your concern and know they are seen and heard by you. Even though you fell through the cracks at their age, you are still able to be there for them. Nice.

I send you much love and support.