Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

Started by Deep Blue, September 18, 2018, 09:02:03 PM

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Deep Blue

Jdog,
Thanks so much.  I love that we are both teachers.  It's true that I want to help every single kid, but every once in awhile it does send me into an EF.  It makes me worry a bit.

I've been teaching about 15 years. The last couple years I've been getting more and more EFs that are directly related to the job.  I worry if I can sustain this career in the long run? I'm working on not getting derailed by EFs as much... but am I going to get them the rest of my career?

Jdog

Deep Blue-

In my experience, as more healing takes place the number of EFs related to teaching goes way, way down.  I had a couple of years right after my Mom died when I felt every sadness the kids had and wanted to heal all of them.  Now, some 5 years later, I can empathize and do feel sad but don't get derailed.  An example is one student, now a senior whom I've known since freshman year who is now homeless.  Her Mom is mentally unstable and she's living with a boyfriend and his grandparents.  Her big sister, whom I had for two different courses, had a meltdown in one of my classes and it triggered me enormously.  But now, with the little sister (admittedly a whole different personality) I can feel sad and be present but not stay stuck in it.  I did have one haunting dream after spending time with her this week, but am ok now.  She knows that I am always here for her.  But I am taking care of me, primarily. 

You will be ok, DB.  Love yourself and have faith.  This, too, shall pass. :heythere:

Deep Blue

#17
Jdog,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful words.  You really did ease my worries.
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Well it's been a nice low key day.  I slept in a little because my son didn't wake up till after 8. Yay!

I had an athletic competition and won very easily and quickly.

Now I'm headed to a birthday party for my father in law. 

The temperature has dipped and it's a little chilly out.  I love it but wish it wouldn't mess with my vertigo. 

All in all, I'm happy with the day.  :sunny:



Blueberry


Deep Blue

My Lazy Sunday started off productive but has screeched do a halt.

I have IBS.  It took me forever to find what my trigger foods were.  They suggest you reintroduce certain foods every once in awhile Incase you are not sensitive to them anymore.

Well let's just say eggs 1 and me 0 this morning.  I knew it was a low key day so I ate an egg for breakfast, I was grocery shopping when stomach cramps and digestive trouble hit.

Now I'm back in bed with a headache and trying to sleep it off.  This too shall pass... hopefully sooner rather than later because I'm supposed to meet a friend for coffee.  :zzz:

Sceal

My mother also has IBS. So I've witnessed how much it sucks. I hope that resting and sleeping will help you so you can have a nice cup of coffee later with your friend.

Deep Blue

Trigger warning!!!  Physical abuse and self harm.





I had a rough session today.  A couple weeks ago, a postpartum friend of mine told me she had snapped and grabbed a belt and beat her son with it.  Her son is only 7 years old.  I wish I would have told her off.  I wish I would have said, what's wrong with you! He's 7! I wish I would have said SOMETHING!  I didn't say anything to her.  Stupid freeze response.

Belts are such a huge huge trigger for me.  How could a friend of mine do that?  Anyway since she told me what she did I've been having more nightmares and flashbacks.  Many more than I'm used to in my dips. 

I talked to my T about it tonight.  I blurted... a good person would have yelled at her! She said... so you are saying you are not a good person?  I didn't reply.  She then pointed out that since my friend told me about her hitting her son... my SH has increased substantially.  She asked if i was punishing myself for my freeze response.  :fallingbricks:   Oh my gosh she's right.   :Idunno:

Wattlebird

Dam deep blue, that sounds awful, My daughter got attacked by a dog when she was 2 and I just froze, luckily my husband didn't but I was so totally disgusted with myself, I just stood there.
Sometimes your instincts ( freeze response ) just take over, you can't control your survival instincts and it took me a while to come to terms with that, I hope u do too and soon  :hug:

Sceal

Your freeze responce is not something that you have any control over, it's not something you can help. It's your amygdala controlling your body. Try not to hate yourself because of this. You did not hit that child. You may not have reacted the way you could have wished when your friend told you, but you can still bring it up to her and say that this really is not okay. Or you can call children services, I know that might sound drastic. I'm very sad you have to be a bystander for this, and that it's triggering you so much. And I'm glad that you told your therapist, and that she helped you see what's going on with you.

I got some hot cocoa or some tea, if you just wanna sit by the porch away from all the awfulness.  :hug:

Deep Blue

Wattlebird,
I hope I can come to terms with my freeze response soon too.  I just don't know how to come to terms with it  ???

Sceal,
I still haven't spoken to my friend.  I've gone to text her a couple times to tell her she was wrong in what she did.  I can't hit send.  Frozen. I'm so ashamed of myself now and I'm ashamed of myself for freezing during the abuse.
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I've had a headache and vertigo every single day the past week.  I just want to sleep! I want to feel normal.

Trigger warning****** self harm







My T asked me to try to go 3 days.  She says she thinks I can make it 3 days without self harming.  I see her again Thursday and she will probably ask. 

My issue is that usually I have the willpower to fight that pull towards SH.  I'm so tired from the nightmares and lack of sleep that I don't have the energy to fight it.  I wake up in the morning and want to do it.  I think about it at work.  I think about it in the shower and when Im in bed.

I'm so ashamed.  What do I do? Why do I have to keep fighting this fight?  It hurts to breathe. I have a panic attack brewing in me... I feel it. 

I hate the freeze response.  If I fought, then hey... I tried to fight my abuse.  If I fled, well at least I tried to get away.  Freeze sucks! I didn't do anything.  I continually punish myself for not doing anything to stop it.  This is why I feel... to my core... I should have stopped the abuse.  I didn't and I hate myself  :'(

Three Roses

QuoteI didn't do anything.  I continually punish myself for not doing anything to stop it.

Imo, you did do something. You protected yourself, the best you knew how at the time. Safe  :hug: to you.

Jdog

Deep Blue-

I'm sorry you are in such an awful place.  You are not defined by the trauma. You are valuable, caring, and much loved by friends and by your students.

You will get through this.  Sending a big hug and lots of love, from one teacher to another!

Deep Blue

Three Roses,
Thanks for the hugs.  I needed to freeze and dissociate back then to avoid the pain.  Now why do I still do it  ???

Jdog,
Thanks for reminding me that I'm loved.  Hopefully I pull out of this funk soon.  I always do... I wish I could fast forward when I feel like this.
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Not much to say today.  I had a massive panic attack last night.  I think I was tired from it because I did sleep a little more than I have been last night.

I texted a support group for SH and spoke to someone last night.  I forced myself to stay on until I knew I would fall asleep and not act on the urge.  I still don't really trust myself though...