Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Sceal]

Good job on reaching out to the support group. I know how hard it is to resist. And everything you're doing in order to fight the impulses are huge and impressive. Remember that I think you are a wonderful person and I'm in awe of your strengths and will to fight.

Big hugs and cups of hot chocolate

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
Thanks.  and hot chocolate sound amazing right now.
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I just got home from my session with my T.  Fighting, changing the subject, avoiding the issues aren't working anymore.  All my coping mechanisms that get me through are not enough.

I'm trying but I hate to be that jittery, eyes rubbing, scared person that bringing up my trauma makes me become.  I hate one of my inner children! She still is the one that makes me dissociate today.  In therapy it is SUCH a fight to not dissociate or have a panic attack.  I'm just done today... done 

[Jdog]

Sorry, sweetie.  Hang in there.  I've got your back.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Jdog,
I'm worried about a coworker.  I finally printed out local therapists covered by our insurance for him.  It's so hard to keep myself going when I'm worried about others.
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Sceal talked about having a therapy hangover.  I think that's how I feel today. 

I feel more triggered when I'm struggling myself.  Everything seems to trigger me when I'm like this.  My list of triggers I hit today:
1. Student using SH
2. US politics
3. My aunt was arrested for protesting. She was bound in zip ties and is bruised up.
4. Mention of ptsd by a coworker
5. A belt
6. A particular car

In the end I'm so tired.  I was awake for a chunk of last night with nightmares.  I just want to keep it together.  I'm in pain and no one sees it . I just want to know that things will be ok. I just wish someone showed me they care. I just wish the urge to SH would go away tonight. I just want to sleep without nightmares.  I feel like all I'm doing is whining. I should just go to bed before I bring everyone down.   

[Deep Blue]

Slept a little better last night.  I was just starting to feel a little better. The EF seemed to be lifting...  then...

Son has a fever.  I hate feeling powerless when he's sick

[Three Roses]

  to you and your son. Hope you're both feeling better soon.

[Sceal]

  i Hope your son is feeling better. But that you've also have been able to get some rest and a chance to recover from therapy-hangovee

[Deep Blue]

Three Roses,
Thanks for the well wishes for my son.  He is feeling much better today.  I'm surprised, but grateful for it. I feel myself doing better too.  I slept better the other night and it's amazing how restorative that can be.

Sceal,
I appreciate it.  I hope the same for you. Be gentle with yourself this week in therapy k? 
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I'm feeling quite a bit better today.  Even with that said, the current US political situations is triggering to say the least. 

My husband made an insensitive comment on FB about politics and a friend of mine and him got into a FB argument.

He is triggering me! I just want to yell at him! He's a middle class white guy, with no mental health problems.  How could even begin to understand? This is part of the reason I have never told him about any of my trauma history.

The fact is, he can't truly understand what it's like to be a woman, what it's like to feel like you are in danger, what it's like to feel you have no way out, what it's like to be... well me.

[Jdog]

Deep Blue-

Your comments about the political situation and your husband getting into a FB war with your friend make me sad.  I made the decision  awhile ago not to be on FB and this reinforced my decision to stay off.  No shame or blame to those who participate in that way, but it would be awful for me as I'm sure I would be that person facing off with those who cannot understand what trauma does to a person.

Sorry you can't communicate your innermost pain with your spouse.  I'm glad you post about your concerns and pain here, where it is safe.  I've been triggered this week as well, felt the heaviness in my heart, body, and soul.  I send you love and support from here on the West Coast.  Be well, stay safe, and draw upon all of the resources available.  I'm glad your little boy feels better!

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
Thanks so much for your kind reply.  Thanks for reminding me of the resources I do have to deal with it.  What you say reminds me of the community of this place.  This Midwest girl is very appreciative of your West coast love    You are right, this is a safe space to write and I am so grateful for that.
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Monday's are not my favorite, but I still managed to feel somewhat productive.

My T saw me today and it was more needed than I realized.  My nightmares and SH have calmed down quite a bit however I've been quite triggered by current politics and easily triggered by things that normally I can handle.

I had a panic attack at work today    I read something and before I knew it, full blown panic attack.  I luckily was able to hide in a bathroom till I was able to calm down.  I was a little on edge for the rest of the day but since seeing my T I'm feeling more grounded. 

After T tonight I was able to tell my husband about why politics is triggering me.  I didn't explain why I relate to the trauma but I explained how I can relate as a woman.  He listened and we had a good conversation about it.

Post panic attack today I'm a bit tired so I'm hoping to be able to go to bed early and hopefully no nightmares 🤞

[Jdog]

 

[Sceal]

Panic attacks are so tiresome! I'm sorry you had to go through that now, perhaps it might be an idea to avoid the news for a while, until the case is over?

I'm glad your husband listened to you, and that you had a good conversation together.  Also glad you have a T that's listening and helping you through these hard and difficult days.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
You are so right.  I will have to avoid the news as best I can for a bit.  At least I understand where my husband was coming from.  It opened my mind a bit too.
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Didn't sleep very well last night, but still felt pretty good today. 

Sometimes it heals me to do good for others, so that's what I did.  I tutored a student before school, I helped a student in emotional distress and also got another student to the couselor.  The counselor sent her to get a mental health assessment.  I'm glad we are taking steps to help her.

Coworkers worried about the same coworker as I did.  I didn't tell them I'd already talked to him.  I did what I could for him, so hopefully if they voice concerns to him as well he will know it's not just me who is worried.

[Jdog]

Yes, that's what we do, isn't it?  Taking care of others is so important for teachers and it is a way of letting go of our own pain for just a little while. 

Good job, you.  I have a little crowd that call me "Mom"and, truly, they are mostly being horribly parented.  I do what I can for them. 

Keep healing yourself, too.

[Wattlebird]

I have read in a few places that helping others is a good healing practice, and it is often the little talks that really show someone some people do care, I still remember the teachers that pulled me aside to enquire about me, even though I never told anyone anything, I was still left with the feeling that someone actually was concerned for me. Keep up the great work, even if u feel u didn't get thru to them or connect or whatever it will still mean something to them.