Deep Blue’s searching for balance journal

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
My son's monster looked suspiciously like Sully from monsters inc.    today we put on some ninja turtle tattoos. (Rafael is his favorite) we also went to his soccer game and he scored a goal! Yay    After he scored then he spent the rest of the game pretending to be a super hero.  Ha ha! As long as he is happy I'm happy.

San,
Still didn't sleep so well but I made a list so I can keep checking things off.  It helps me feel accomplished and less stressed to cross stuff off.  Thanks for encouraging me to keep moving forward.  I'm still doing self care and working hard to keep my head above the water.
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Still hit some triggers today but the good for sure outweighed the bad.

The not so good:
I've been thrashing a bit in my sleep.  I've been waking up with panic attacks and it seems to make my neck and shoulders very tense.  It's also leading to headaches and neck pain.

My neighbor was teasing his son and snapped his belt a couple times.  Can I just say... not funny!!!!!! I was out the door because even though I didn't see it, I know the sound anywhere.

Someone hit my car in the parking lot.  They left a note but now it's one more thing to worry about

Ok but on to the good:
- my son played his last soccer game for the season and got a trophy and scored a goal!
- the 2 girls I helped yesterday are doing much better today
- a friend of mine is going to therapy tomorrow.  This is her first trip so I hope it goes well 🤞
- the weather is finally cooler and fall is my favorite season.

[Jdog]

Yay for your son and his victorious goal and the award,too!!  Whoohoo!  And having a friend start therapy is a big win, too.  The two girls who sought your help and are benefitting now have you to thank for being there for them.  That's amazing, and it is just another good thing that you do on a daily basis.

You are coping with life's little and not-so-little roadblocks.  I admire you and the way you identify triggers and keep trodding on.  Good job!  And I wish I could see those pretty fall colors with you - ours are not as dramatic here, though it's a bit cooler this week so there is hope for more displays in nature.

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
Thanks for nudging me and reminding me that those road blocks are not so little.  I tend to try to minimize the effect of my triggers so thanks for reminding me that they are big to me and that is ok.    there has been quite a bit of rain this season so the trees are a bit confused.  The leaves are changing at different rates.  I love the orange and red ones most.
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Yesterday, another member of the forum and I sort of "swapped our inner children".  She took on teenage me and I got to hang with toddler her. 

I had a dream last night where I was teenage me.  I usually hate those dreams because they are typically flashbacks of PA.  Last night it wasn't.  I can't help but think the reason is because of the good she saw in teenage me.  My teenager little felt cared about and loved. 

I work with high schoolers all day.  I have no  problem connecting to them.  And YET I could never connect with my teenage little.  Yesterday's reparenting is a good first step in me learning to accept that the abuse wasn't my fault.

It's a process but I'm grateful for the revelation.

[Elphanigh]

Dearest Deep Blue, that warms my heart to read. I am so glad you finally had a dream where there was some peace for that version of you, and that there is a step towards no blaming yourself. You and teenage you, are so deserving of love and recognition for all that you went through. I promise it wasn't your fault my dear.  Lots of love to you both

[Three Roses]

Wow, that's great DB! 

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Elpha,
I really appreciate your kindness and spirit.  My little really appreciated it too. 

Thanks for the cheers TR 
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Tough session with my T today.  She wanted me to talk about some of the triggers I don't mention much.  My thing is... some triggers don't derail me. They don't give me nightmares.  So why drudge them up? I don't get the purpose. 

Just wondering if anyone has thoughts on this 

[Elphanigh]

Deep blue, I think I have a few thoughts on it. One, digging up the triggers that are less awful first is easier. It also gives you a strong foundation when you go to deal with the ones that do give you nightmares and more symptoms to deal with. If you start with the smaller stuff it will prepare you to do the bigger stuff. Just like we wouldn't want to walk in the door to a therapist and start with the worst trauma that ever happened to us, we have to work up to it.

Two, it once got explained to me that this trauma is all interwoven and messy. That even healing some of the 'smaller' things will at the same time start to heal the bigger things. That no work we do on it is ever useless because it is all connected.

Hopefully that makes sense

[Deep Blue]

Thanks Elpha,
You are right that trauma is very interwoven. Yeah it makes sense she wants to start with some easier triggers.  I just wonder if it will do more harm than good??? I mean it seems low yield inner work if I'm being honest.  All I feel is shame when I talk about that particular trigger. 

BeHealthy,
Thanks for the encouragement.  I think if I can make peace with my teenage little, it would really help my mental health now.

[Elphanigh]

Deep Blue, I think it will be worth it. Especially if you start to open up about the fact it brings you shame. Shame is normally linked to something much stronger and would open up a lot of doorways for healing I think. In my experience it is more how we feel about the trigger than the trigger itself sometimes. Let me know if that helps at all.

[Deep Blue]

Thanks so much Elpha,
You are right.  Maybe this particular trigger is a safer way to look into my shame.  I'll let you know if it helps 

[Boy22]

Hey Deep Blue, all my T sessions are dominated by triggers. That why my sessions start in tears. We are working together to find strategies to cope with the triggers, I have managed a few times to shorten "the trip" markedly and come out the otherside able to carry on functioning.

[Deep Blue]

Hi Boy22,
I've been reading your journal, thanks for popping in 

I do have many triggers, but I rarely cry.  I have cried about 3 times in 4 years.  Twice it was due to being at services for friends that had died by suicide.  When the triggers are too much I usually get a panic attack.  I rarely go a week without getting a couple of them. 

[Jdog]

Oh, I used to get so many panic attacks.  One summer, maybe about 4 years ago, it happened almost every day.  But now, hardly ever.  I still have lots of shame, though. 

Good job addressing so many sensitive issues in such a short time, Deep Blue!!

[Boy22]

Oh Deep Blue,

I have done so much crying in the last few years. I am now begining crying as catharsis, it is both a challenge and a relief,

[Deep Blue]

Jdog,
I am very aware of my triggers.  There are very few that I don't know about.  I learned them all because for about a year it was my mission to avoid them all.  That didn't work with many of them so I'm working through that now. 

Last March and April I was having a tough go of it and was getting a couple panic attacks in the day time and getting them at night too.  It was exhausting and felt like I had run a marathon after those days. Getting them a couple times a week is a marked improvement for me. 

Boy22,
My T and I have talked about my inability to cry. We think that's why I get so many panic attacks.  I don't really get catharsis.  I bottle and bottle till I get a panic attack and that's my cycle    I'm learning how important it is to sit with my emotions.
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Busy busy weekend!
I'm looking forward to Sunday because I am doing a walk for mental illness awareness and suicide prevention. 

Suicide prevention is HUGE for me.  I have lost 6 friends to suicide    My babysitter's brother also died by suicide a month and a half ago.  It's such an important cause is that very close to my heart ❤️