Just too sensitive or more to it?

[Rainydaze]

(Edit: Just to warn you I describe a nightmare below which could be triggering.)

I was thinking before going to sleep the other night how I was starting to feel a bit more level headed and better about where I'm at right now after 18 months of no contact with my N father. I even started to feel a bit of empathy towards him regardless of years of his damaging behaviour, then I started to wonder if I was overreacting about everything. I then went to sleep and had the most horrendous, disturbing nightmare in years, where I was back in the dark family home and being tormented by some kind of poltergeist with my parents sleeping in the next room and completely ignoring my frantic screams for help. I woke up with my heart racing feeling scared and completely out of sorts again. I haven't had a nightmare like that in so long so I know it was because I was thinking about him.

I can't help but feel that my sub-conscious knows so much more about what happened to me than I can currently remember. I always end up wondering whether I'm deluded and everything that's happened is my fault for being thin skinned and oversensitive. I mean, did I really have it worse than my brothers? Why am I unable to be around NF without feeling extreme anxiety whereas they can manage it? If it was really that bad then surely someone would have stopped him, or at least tried to reason with him? How can I be 30 years old and feel so terrified of the thought of being anywhere near my own father, when other people can cope with it?

I do feel healthier having distance from him which I suppose is very telling, however it feels like I was stronger as a child as I was able to cope with him back then. Perhaps everything I should have felt back then I'm able to feel now but now I'm in the position of experiencing these feelings in a far safer place the response from my nervous system feels over the top and not in keeping with current reality. I guess it's all one big emotional flashback. Does anyone relate to these feelings? I'm not sure I've relayed any of this very well! I possibly haven't posted in the right place either so sorry if that's the case, feeling somewhat tired and confused right now. 

[Libby183]

Hi.

You have not only described it well, you have hit the nail on the head. Everything you have said is spot on.

After six years nc with horrid parents,  I inadvertently had to deal with them briefly. I had come to pity them a little,  but I realise again, that they don't deserve pity. They are truly evil.  Please believe me, at age fifty plus, I felt like a small, defenceless child again. This is not normal, this is not hypersensitivity.  They are truly damaging.  Only offspring damaged so badly by parents would feel like we do.

I hope we can accept ourselves and our histories, and not feel defenceless again.

Hoping this isn't too strong a response,  but I just want you to know how strongly I am with you!

[Blueberry]

  Please believe me, at age fifty plus, I felt like a small, defenceless child again. This is not normal, this is not hypersensitivity.  They are truly damaging.  Only offspring damaged so badly by parents would feel like we do.

[Rainydaze]

Hoping this isn't too strong a response,  but I just want you to know how strongly I am with you!

Not at all, thank you for your response. It's always so reassuring to know someone gets it.

I hope we can accept ourselves and our histories, and not feel defenceless again.

Yeah, acceptance would be good. I think some of my fear reactions look ridiculous to some people and I've known a couple of coworkers to mock me behind my back for ingrained sensitivies that I can't immeditately help, which has made me feel worse on a few occasions. Things like ridiculing me for clearly being uncomfortable or panicking when I've been triggered during a conversation with someone. I can't help but feel that the CPTSD makes me unable to hack the pace of the work and social life that seems to be expected of people. There's so much pressure to just be 'OK' all the time and it's not like you can give acquaintances the long back story of your childhood to explain why you're not always doing well when you have an uncomfortable interaction with them. Sigh!

[Contessa]

Apologies, I was trying for a short response but it got longer again.

Blues cruise, being mocked and ridiculed seems to be something that ignorant, self centred people to. And there's a lot of them aren't there, kicking you when you're already down one of the worst things.

I'd like to address the nightmare, as this is familiar to me too. I believe - and it was agreed to by a friend who is a trauma counsellor - that this is part of our positive recovery. Now that sounds crazy right?

The pattern is familiar. I start to feel settled... good... then even start to thrive... then BANG! My feet are taken out from under me and I'm out for the count. Crying, foetal position, anger and fear...

After confirming this with my friend I felt much better at the time one of these cycles was happening. We're healing, gaining strength, and get to that point where we question that we even suffered abuse at all. So... our subconsious says "Right! You're strong enough now, time to process this trauma!." Then I go to my psychologist to discuss it, and come to a sense of peace.

I know it sounds bad, but to me it's a masochistic step in a positive direction. I've noticed that these things are happening less and less, and with more time inbetween.

If this sounds similar to your experience of the triggers, I hope it helps in the long run. The people in our lives that don't give us a break... well they can continue on with their ignorant narrow minded lives while we work towards being stronger than they can ever be. Not that we aren't already.

[Contessa]

I hope the above makes sense.

[Libby183]

Thank you so much for validating my response.  I have been quiet on the forum for a while - I felt I had lost my voice,  metaphorically speaking,  so it's nice to feel that I made some sense!

Everything you said about the pressures of working and socialising,  when you have cptsd,  is so accurate.  And sadly, even if you had the opportunity to tell them the background as to why you may appear hypersensitive /over-reacting, they probably still won't understand.

Other than my husband and grown up children,  I interact with no-one, except my elderly neighbours, a childless couple. It's a minimal relationship really,  but the wife has recently had some surgery and I am amazed and ashamed at how stressful I have found this. After a lifetime of physical and emotional abuse, I trained as a nurse, where I didn't fit in or cope at all well and was bullied. The premature birth of twins added to the trauma. So I have been avoiding them. I feel horrid but, like you say, there is a good reason for our reactions. 

This is all so hard to navigate,  isn't it?!

[Rainydaze]

Contessa, thank you so much for your post, that cycle does make sense and explains why the nightmare was so terrifying. I think I try to rationalise the trauma response in my head much of the time and reason that it couldn't have been that bad, whereas my nervous system and sub-conscious is screaming the opposite. All the negative stuff in my childhood was normalised, not spoken about and was mainly emotional abuse, so it's been so easy for not only my family of enablers but myself to pretend that it was all OK.

You're right, it is the ignorant and self-centred who mock others. The person who has mocked me on a couple of occasions is just like a schoolyard bully. I think he's been very mothered/spoilt, hasn't extended his social group past his gang of old school friends and is still in his first 'proper' job at our workplace which has had very low staff turnover over the years, so it's all been very safe for him and he's never had to think past his extremely narrow set of experiences. He just has no concept of variety or diversity outside of his safe little bubble. I think to get by in life he has been sociable and open to people whereas to survive as a child I drew as little attention to myself as possible and kept my head down. To be honest I can see why people would think I'm odd and antisocial for being like that but the whole black and white scenario of "if you're not loud and happy all the time you must be a bad person" just seems very unfair.

Libby, I'm much the same in terms of interactions with people. Often things come up which feel far too daunting to deal with and I withdraw. I always feel guilt for not reaching out more to people but what little interaction I have seems enough for me at the moment. I totally get what you mean about feeling ashamed about finding your neighbour's surgery stressful, sometimes these things can just catch us completely off guard. Last year my colleague's son had an operation for a brain tumour and my colleague tearfully rang in to speak to me asking me to let everyone know. My heart was racing and I was shaking, then I felt absolutely awful about having that reaction because she was the one who needed support and it wasn't my place to be so anxious! Though I tried my best and think I handled it well I felt so ashamed that I had such a strong reaction to it. I still don't really understand why I react like that when something horrible happens to someone else, I think maybe it's just anxiety on their behalf rather than the pure empathy that it would be healthier to feel. I always feel a need to fix things too and will run other people's problems over and over in my head wanting to help them, so when something is really serious and completely not in my control to resolve I panic. I guess maybe unhealthy boundaries factors in there too with me taking on other people's stuff. Really whenever I analyse anything it always seems to come back to needing greater self care and firmer emotional boundaries. It's easy to type but way harder to put into practice! 

Sorry that turned into a bit of a waffle. It is really hard to navigate, I agree. I know what you mean about losing your voice on the forum sometimes too. I have a tendency to freeze which makes it hard to post sometimes and often I'll see a post that I really resonate with but just don't know how to put what I want to say into words. 

[saylor]

"I can't help but feel that the CPTSD makes me unable to hack the pace of the work and social life that seems to be expected of people. There's so much pressure to just be 'OK' all the time and it's not like you can give acquaintances the long back story of your childhood to explain why you're not always doing well when you have an uncomfortable interaction with them."
You nailed it. I couldn't have said it better myself. This has dogged me ever since school, and I'm middle-aged and it's still an issue (now in the workplace).
Your intense concern about others' suffering and problems make it sound like you could be what's called a "Highly Sensitive Person". It's an actual thing and may be genetic. It can be rather taxing, because you take on everyone else's worries, but still have all your own to deal with