Survivor -- Sexual Abuse Triggers

[EZ Linus]

Hi, I'm new here. I am so grateful for stumbling upon this place, I can't believe my luck. (It's about time.)

I've already posted a somewhat long post in the Intro forum, so I will try not to make too long a post here.

I left a mainstream cult many years ago now. I was in it for 20 years, and I know that healing is life-long. I see that now. I entered in my formative years at 12, and the indoctrination was intense, despite what it might have looked like on the outside. I looked like I lived a regular life. Not regular by any stretch of the word, but no one knew I was brainwashed.

Before 12, I was already dealing with a horrific childhood. My parents shouldn't have had children, but they had two. My brother (3 years older) and me. They were obsessed with my brother, and literally wanted nothing to do with me, except mentally abuse me, or ignore, neglect, dismiss, or forget I was there. We'd moved 15 times before I turned 9. All because they fought and broke up. They'd get back together and we'd move again. They'd fight violently. My mom was severely bipolar. She broke everything in the house, had fits, go away for months to the hospital. We had "baby sitters" that passed out drunk in the living room while we ran free in the street. I never went to school. I have no formal education.

I talk about some of my abuse in the other thread. In a nutshell, my mom sexually abused me, then a few of my brother's older friends. Then I was raped by my own friend in my 20s. He was also in the cult so nothing was done about it. It's a rule that you never bring the authorities into disruptions. You must handle everything through their system of laws. Also, everything bad that happens to you is your fault. You did something in a past life or this life to "pull it in."

When I finally realized I was in a cult, I was too old to have a truly happy life. I'd been diagnosed with a chronic illness, and I was messed up beyond belief. I've been in therapy for many years. I wasted so many of my best years with them. Wasted them, and now they are gone. I've been managing with lots of therapy and meds, but I deal with a lot of depression. I apparently have bipolar 1 also, and there's that. I am often suicidal, or have ideations (all the time). I've only attempted it once. It scared me enough to start taking medication for my mental issues. I went through my entire life untreated. I never took a medication from a psychiatrist until my late 30s. Pretty sad.

Anyway. I didn't mean for this to be long! I goofed up, again.

Despite my dark feelings, I really do have a lot to offer. I am practically an expert on cults. I've read pretty much everything on the subject. Still, recovery is extremely challenging.