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[WoundedEagle]

Hi. New here. Am reading Complex PTSD by Pete Walker which describes what I've been going through most of my life. I have much to be grateful for and try to focus positively but am dealing with anxiety, insomnia, dread, which I now understand are connected to my difficulties in childhood.

As a 1 year old, my father started chasing me down our hallway, yelling at me at a time when I could not understand his rage or even his purpose. I would disassociate (leave my body) and end up in bed waking up crying, realizing what had happened but unable to account for the period of when my father started chasing me to when suddenly I was waking up crying. In addition, he often verbally abused me, especially at the dinner table every night and often when I was showing happiness for positive things that were happening. He didn't like to see me winning evidently. He was an alcoholic and ragaholic.

I am thankful for a mother who cared but was also an alcoholic and though she did not do everything right I knew she loved me and that has meant a lot of me over the years.

I was happily married for 35 years but my husband suddenly passed away. A lot of my neuroses seem to have returned and the abandonment grief has returned very hard.

I am doing my best to survive. Going to 12 Step groups. Keeping socially active.

I am grateful to have found this group.

Blessings to all.

[Deep Blue]

Hello
welcome wounded eagle.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Wounded Eagle. I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you find comfort with us. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi wounded eagle
Glad you are here.. And have found a sanctuary of people who really understand.
Pete walker is a god send and that identification is just so priceless from some who has cptsd and come along in their own healing journey and then helping others..
This is what I find on the forum  we all do this for each other.
I can relate to the anxiety and dread and for me working with a trauma therapist has been good to identify and how to regulate my nervous system.. Do u have any support?

[milk]

Aloha Wounded Eagle 

My thoughts are with you.

Last year a brilliant woman from my FOO passed on (she loved me and I was affected by it). She left us with a celebration for life and that's how we honor her in our waking life.

You are taking care of yourself by connecting with your fellowship and being with others —- that is something to grow from

:   )

[Jdog]

Wounded Eagle-

I can relate to some of the things you mention in regards to having an alcoholic, angry father who exploded intermittently at me when I was a child.  It was terrifying.  I also understand how losing someone dear can open wounds that exist beneath the surface.

I'm glad you have found us, Pete Walker, and your own group of caring friends with whom to meet face to face. 

Warm welcome to you!