So isolated

[Rainagain]

Well.

Just back home to my isolated life in an isolated remote area.

Spent a lot of time in cities over the last week, numbers of cars and people was shocking, so busy.

Several timed I wished I was at home alone instead of socialising, it is so tiring, I have realised that I no longer like people very much.

[Libby183]

Sadly,  I am absolutely with you,  Rainagain. With the exception of my husband and grown up children, I am utterly isolated.  I try to be a bit sociable, but always end up feeling hurt.  I can say to myself,  that they didn't mean it, or were stressed or whatever,  but the fact is that I still feel hurt,  or fear or whatever other negative feeling.  Is it worth it? I ask, and the answer seems to be that it isn't!

So pleased to come here for safe, non-hurtful interaction.

[woodsgnome]

I'm also very isolated via my locale, but also by a deliberate choice made long ago which would be hard to change now.

If I need one of those deceptive labels, I could probably qualify as a sociable/amiable hermit with no friends but whom people seem to find very interesting when they cross paths with me. This doesn't hold for the opposite direction, as I'm extremely wary of everyone, even if I find them intriguing. I'm like a turtle taking occasional peeks out but usually popping back in where I know I'm safe.

All of which is okay to an extent--living like this probably saved my life. It's just that...you know the drill--if, if, and if; but I'm still here, mostly okay but if...I think the only if anymore is just finding one sure friend, not just interested strangers. If only... Rather circular logic, eh?

[Rainagain]

As you say Libby, is it worth it.

I don't think so, every contact I have with others seems damaging, or has that potential.

When I am alone it is hard but controlled and more manageable. I think.

I'm a hermit too woodsgnome, just one of those things that can't be helped.

[Blueberry]

I hear you Rainagain.  on dropping by the forum to communicate with people who understand and accept.  are companions too and keep complete isolation at bay. 

[Rainagain]

Thank you for your replies, I can be isolated but not alone here.

I managed to slip on some rocks today while out walking my dogs. No real injury but while I was lying on the rocks  it made me recognise my isolation and how far I was from any assistance.

Then again, people are isolated in big towns and cities, I have no rescuers but no persecutors either, I will take that, its fine.

[Rainagain]

Isolation could be a valid response I think, almost healthy if it didn't bring other problems.

If you can't manage emotional boundaries then physical ones are a replacement.

If you've not had your fight/flight response wildly over revved for years then its hard for people to grasp what it is like.

And why would they even bother to understand? Why learn a language that only one person speaks?

That's the value here, true understanding.

Not often encountered really, some mental health specialists and us.

Been reflecting on miscommunication today in recent relationships. One person recently threw back at me a fact I had shared with them years ago, they did so as a passive/aggressive push back. They felt I was diminishing their keenly felt issues by sharing something so extreme. They had remembered the fact all that time then brought it out as something I had said to invalidate their situation.

I was genuinely trying to explain myself in my own context and it wasn't a negation of them or their situation (at least I hope not, it was so long ago). But they heard something else.

Another belittled my cptsd by saying her uncle had PTSD from active service. This person had the facts but not the understanding.

As if some people are more deserving of compassion than others.

That's basically saying get over it, pull yourself together, grow a pair, dry your legs. Be great if determination was a cure. But It isn't.

These people aren't hurtful or stupid by nature, they just don't understand what the facts mean.

To withdraw and isolate might be a symptom of cptsd, or it might be a normal protective response based on harsh experience of the way others view and judge you.

People don't get it, they often seem to fit the facts into a framework they understand but it doesn't work like that, our realities are so very different.

Its not a choice, its a trauma reaction.

Since I  can't seem to fit my trauma reaction into their world I will just stay in mine.

[Kizzie]

Great thread Rain, tks for starting it. 

Just some thoughts based on my experience. Except for coming here and my H and S, I too have isolated myself, especially in the last few years. Strangely I actually consider it a step forward for me after years of enmeshment and emotional abuse by my NPD FOO. I felt like I had to be out there despite what it took from me to do so. I made friends but I hated it because I was always on edge worrying about when they would judge me, turn on me, that I needed to keep them happy ... I was so focused on them I would have this feeling of losing myself. All recreations of life in my FOO.

I came to see in the last few years that I really NEED space but had never given that to myself because I thought something was wrong with me, that I was antisocial, not friend worthy,     I struggled to hide my social anxiety, abandonment spirals, depression, etc., and that's really hard to do when you let people close. Most just don't handle it well.  (I love that here nobody blinks an eye.)

So in the last few years I have found myself understanding more why I am this way and honouring my needs and who I am more than I ever did. I like my space, I need it and always will likely because of the trauma I have endured. It is perfectly understandable and reasonable that I do not trust easily, that I do not want to let others close, that I do not want to lose myself again or be abused, abandoned, made to feel like I am wrong in some way. I  don't need to keep yelling at myself or looking at myself as though something is wrong with me because the pain I suffer if/when someone breaks my trust is just incredibly difficult emotionally. The stakes are very high for me, for all of us.

I am ok with seeing how things go with regard to relationships as I recover,  get better with boundaries and trusting my gut about people, and deal with some of the deep fear, anger and hurt it has caused me.  If I become more open to letting people close good, if not I'm fine with that too. I do not feel anymore that I must forge relationships, now it's more my choice to do so or not.

Hope some of this is helpful.

[Rainagain]

I agree that isolation is a step forward kizzie.

It hadn't dawned on me that I am both feeling steadier in myself and am actively increasing my isolation.

Its control I think, I control who is close to me.

This is better than when I had no control.

[saturnine]

This is exactly what I'm juggling right now...the need for isolation and the fear of being alone, simultaneously. I've lived in a major city for the past 6-ish years and there isn't a single person I know here other than my partner (who for some reason decides to stick around). I sometimes marvel at how I've been able to stay so isolated -- then the inner critic takes over and says there must be something about me that keeps people away...and then comes the fear of being alone for what it must say about me. So I start a quest to try and get to know people and it inevitably fails when I'm hurt, feel slighted, or just don't see another soul around who looks interested in getting to know me.

Right now I feel like people are overrated. They're nice to and for other people, but they're just never there for me. They're like fish food, and I'm a dog. Occasionally I'll catch a whiff and be like, oh this seems nice, but they can't sustain me. The loneliness that lives in me can't really be extinguished by another person. It's a sad reality but it's the one I have to live with.

I hate that you're going through this too but it's nice to not feel alone in what might be the loneliest experience ever.

[Rainagain]

It seems to be a common reaction, I find that interesting.

I feel alone and isolated all the time, whoever is around me, or (usually) when I am alone.

Companionship doesn't seem to work properly for me, other people are mostly just stress or potential stress.

An injured herd animal will isolate itself, there is no benefit in being part of the herd as the animal will be spotted by predators.

As I don't get benefit from social situations, only stress then isolation seems appropriate. I feel injured and 'other'.

If I'm honest with myself I only want to be part of life because everyone else seems to do it. Most of me would really rather not, but it feels both right and wrong to isolate.

Currently I'm thinking I should put more effort into doing things I used to enjoy, try to find some happiness from within. That's where benefit lies, not with other people.

[LilyITV]

I used to feel that I didn't need people.  Now I'm realizing that I do like people, but being around people causes me a lot of pain, so it's easier to stay away.  Whereas before I felt at peace being alone, now I just feel lonely and isolated.  I'm wondering if I was better believing I was happy by myself