Could use some advice! (Trigger Warning)

[MarieKT]

I believe I may have c-ptsd from various events which occurred between birth and age 15. Long story short, my father was very unpredictable and cruel to my mom, my brother and I. He was always a negative presence in my life as a child, and I was terrified of him. One of the more damaging things he did, was use sleep deprivation as a form of abuse. He would often trap me and scream at me for events going on in the world, that I obviously had no part in. He really enjoyed using fear, and he had a particular look in his eyes that denoted the extreme pleasure he had at others discomfort. Me, being the youngest absorbed a lot of it, though my brother definitely dealt with other crazy things about my dad. There was an aspect of sadism involved as well, which was fueled by alcohol.

The abuse was mostly psychological and emotional, with some physical outbursts. I recall a time when I said something he deemed 'smart' before school one day, and he lunged at me with his hand on my neck. There were also various family dynamics at play occurring at the same time. My brother, who is 9 years older than me, was the golden boy (to my mom). My brother would take his frustrations out on me physically. If I complained to my mom, it was my fault for being annoying (which I will take partials blame for). I once complained to my dad about my brother hitting me and a physical fight ensued. My mom was hysterical and it was all MY fault. Anyways, a lot of that kind of stuff was occurring.

At 15 my parents divorced and my life became a lot easier, in some ways. I've had a difficult time throughout the years with being really hopeless and suicidal. I have Panic Disorder, which very occasionally causes me to faint and lose total consciousness, which is the only diagnosis, I know for certain, was given to me.

I have many of the symptoms listed for c-ptsd, but many have changed or lessened over time. I've forgiven my dad, I don't feel any anger (that I'm aware of) towards him. At one time, when I was probably 9, 10, I remember, vividly, wanting him to die. I truly hated him, at one time.

As my life has changed and I've grown older, I have, for a long time now used cannabis to help me deal with some of my problems. My state recently allowed medical marijuana, but the only psychiatric disorder on the list is ptsd.  I have had the same psychiatrist for the last nearly 10 years, but I have never really discussed these childhood issues with him. The only thing I've ever really mentioned to him are panic attacks and an addiction to benzodiazepines.

I really hate talking about the past, and I would just assume not mention anything that has to do with c-ptsd to him. I actually like him as a person, but still can't mention certain problems. I've actually sat in my car and chugged a beer before going to an appointment, just for my nerves. Part of my reasoning for not wanting to talk about it is also,  I feel like the damage has been done and the problems I have now are too ingrained in me to be changed.

My question is this, should I mention the c-ptsd to my psychiatrist, and brave the uncomfortable feelings, just to get medical marijuana? I'm going to tell him the reason why I want this diagnosis. I'm also trying to avoid be asked to participate in therapy.

Thanks for reading!!!

[Boy22]

Hey MarieKT,

We try to avoid advising each other here. Simply reflecting on our own experiences.

I live where medical marijuana is not available, but my psychiatrist and I have discussed the reseach pros and cons etc.

Whilst gaining a diagnosis might make you eligible for marijuana it might also open other doors to therapy and healing.

I sense it is the later you are more in need of.

[MarieKT]

You are probably correct in your assumption of this problem of mine. I think part of dilemma about bringing up the past is, I feel like it focuses too much attention on me. If there's one thing I particularly dislike in this world, it's drawing attention to myself. I'm perfectly fine speaking about abstract topics or general niceties, but when someone asks me question about my personal feelings about childhood mistreatment, I clam up. I guess i'll have to judge to what extent I want to try to get medical marijuana. I've always gone to a dealer, but have recently been spoiled on an epileptic friend's medical cannabis. Thanks!

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, MarieTK! Glad you're here.

I believe self education is key. This is your personal journey, unlike anyone else's. The best thing I ever did for my recovery was finding out more about cptsd, it answered SO many questions I'd had for so long.

Dig in but take it at a pace that's comfortable for you. Pushing yourself thru this can hurt you further.

Please feel free to ask us questions; we love giving information, just not advice.  And also please check out our guidelines for members if you haven't already: http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=104.0