Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this

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Mia2017

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Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« on: October 08, 2018, 09:37:21 AM »
Dear All,

I realize that it would have been better to continuously write here, instead of only writing in difficult situations. However, putting my thoughts and feelings into words and writing them down is so difficult for me.

For the last couple of days I don't know, what to feel. Should I scream, silently weep, angrily throw stuff around or just run until I am worn out and break down. I don't know. :fallingbricks: :pissed: :stars: :'(

Last weekend I went to see relatives in the region where I grew up. It's a nice couple, who loves me and sticks with me, even though I went NC with my family of origin two years ago. But my relatives sporadically have contact with my narc Mom out of guilt and wanting to help. She never accepts any. Now on the day prior to my arrival, I called and noticed the different tone in the voice of my relative. I sensed that something was wrong and was very unsure, whether I should visit or not.

I went with lots of doubts and the welcome at my relative's house was the same as on the phone, very distant. After a while, my relatives broke the awkwardness and told me that they had spoken with my mother. She had looked terribly, sick and thin and had told my relatives that she had been in decay due to my no contact. My relatives also noticed that my Mom seemed very confused, not finishing sentences and bringing up strange situations from a long time ago. Nevertheless, they felt very burdened and "standing in the middle" and suggested me talking to my Mom or writing a letter. I talked to them openly and explained why that was no option for me and that it was the healthy way to stay no contact. They accepted that.

Now yesterday, just before I went back home, my relative read the paper and all of a sudden handed the page to me. Sure enough, there was an announcement of the foreclosure of my mother's house in five weeks. This was also my home for a long time and there are still belongings of me there. I also don't have any pictures of me as a child. My mom has all that.  Even before going NC I stopped visiting my Mom's house and we met somewhere else, because I had always gone sick when going there. So I did not take anything with me.

What shall I do? I can't just go there, because my brother still lives with my mother and he is very aggressive and verbally abusive. He also suffers from a narc personality disorder and even uses a fake personality on the Internet to appear wealthy and successful.

All my life has been circling around this family drama. The NC has had such a positive effect and I have started developing my true self. I have worked so hard. Now those incidents throw me off and I just don't know, what the next step might be apart from my emotional status. Probably, I will have to talk to a lawyer or adviser.

I am so glad, I can write here.

Thank you!  :hug:


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sanmagic7

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Re: Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2018, 03:58:49 PM »
my dear mia,

i think you've seen this said around the forum that self-care needs to come first - it is paramount for our healing.

having said that, i'm sorry for the drama that's come up with your foo.  i don't wish ill for anyone.  i think any or all of the options you mentioned in the beginning of your post might be viable for you to partake in just to get some of the stress/tension out of you.  go with your gut on that.

i don't have any childhood pics of myself, either.  they're all packed away in the house where my nc ex and nc d live.  i'll never have them.  same for other family pics, including some that are older than me.   i've had to accept that and move on from it - it's just not going to happen, i'll never get them back.

expressing your feelings, i think, is a positive step.  maybe if you feel the need to get some of your things from that house, you could take someone with you to run interference, so to speak.  or more than one person.  often there is less of a tendency for those kinds of people to act out if there are witnesses.

i'm also sorry it became so awkward to be with your relatives.  i hope this all gets straightened out quickly and efficiently for you, sweetie.  and, fyi, whenever you feel the need to write here is ok.  it's your recovery - do what's best for you.  sending love and a hug filled with compassion and caring.  i do hope you can get the stuff you want with a minimum of hassle.

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Blueberry

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Re: Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2018, 04:07:56 PM »
Mia, you sent me a long, friendly pm a long time ago and I never got back to you. Kept meaning to but... I don't have time to read your post rn so I'm sending  :hug: :hug: :hug: at least.

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Three Roses

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Re: Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2018, 07:33:37 PM »
Mia, I'm so sorry to hear the difficulty you had with your relatives. They do sound very caring, I hope you can go on seeing them if they will stop pressuring you to contact your NM.

I agree with San, it would be best to take someone with you, or even as you said contact legal help. Maybe if you're comfortable contacting the police they might have suggestions for you on how to reclaim your possessions.

As a side note, and to encourage you, my male sibling was recently able to contact me with the "help" of our cousins. To make a long story short I've gone NC with him again. It rocked me temporarily but I'm back on track again.

You have the right to do anything you wish as far as contacting or not contacting FOO. I know you know this but I just wanted to say it anyway. Your NC doesn't have to be anyone's version but your own. All my best to you in this.  :hug:

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finallyfree

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Re: Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2018, 08:20:22 PM »
Dearest Mia,
So sorry for you being placed in that awfully awkward situation. Please only do what is right for you and care for yourself above all else.  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: for you. BTW, I have no childhood pics either and I have decided itís not worth it and just accepted I never will.
Good luck to you moving forward.
Finallyfree

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Mia2017

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Re: Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2018, 06:25:58 PM »
Dear Sanmagic,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words!  :wave:

I agree, self-compassion is very important and in the last few days, I have been working on that. Instead of withdrawing, I opened up to friends and spent a lot of time with them. The week was very full, but I am much more in peace.

About the pics, I will think more about how important they are for me. I like your thoughts about it.

Hugs  :hug:

Mia





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Mia2017

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Re: Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2018, 06:29:08 PM »
Mia, you sent me a long, friendly pm a long time ago and I never got back to you. Kept meaning to but... I don't have time to read your post rn so I'm sending  :hug: :hug: :hug: at least.

Blueberry,

Thank you very much for your hugs! The words and hugs of the people in this great forum are a big support for me!

Hugs to you back  :hug: :hug: :hug:,

Mia
« Last Edit: October 11, 2018, 06:36:52 PM by Mia2017 »

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Mia2017

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Re: Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2018, 06:36:19 PM »
You have the right to do anything you wish as far as contacting or not contacting FOO. I know you know this but I just wanted to say it anyway. Your NC doesn't have to be anyone's version but your own. All my best to you in this.  :hug:

Three Roses,

Thank you for your encouragement and sharing your experiences with NC and getting in touch with family again.

I can't hear it often enough that I have the right to decide whether I have contact or no contact to my FOO.

I have already searched for places where I can get legal advise, just to be on the safe side.

All the best and hugs back to you, too!

Mia




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Mia2017

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Re: Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2018, 06:40:28 PM »
I have no childhood pics either and I have decided itís not worth it and just accepted I never will.

Dear Finallyfree,

I llike your nickname!

Thank you for sharing your experiences about the pics. The more I think about it, the more I agree, that those pics are not most important for me. I have pics from  my new life and will take many more of happy moments. Why do I need pics where I would see how sad I was at this time.

Good luck to you, too, on your way forward and a big Hug,  :hug:

Mia

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Blueberry

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Re: Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2018, 09:11:55 PM »
Good to hear you're feeling somewhat better :yes:  :hug: :hug:

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Mia2017

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Re: Don't know how I feel and how to deal with this
« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2018, 06:30:51 AM »
Dear All,

Almost two weeks have passed since that weekend with my relatives where I learned the news about my Mom's house.

I have been having ups and downs. For the last week, I have kept busy, running around, working, watching TV, drinking too much coffee, numbing my pain.

This does not really help anymore. Since yesterday, I have been feeling so incredibly exhausted. I cancelled an appointment yesterday and went to bed in the afternoon to sleep a couple of hours.

This morning I had to get up early, because I had offered to be at the office for something even though, it was out of my work schedule. I think, I longed for recognition and approval, even though I want to leave this place asap and have been trying to find another job.

Sometimes, I don't understand myself and my emotions. I think, the foreclosure of my Mom's house makes it all real. All the hopes, expectations and thoughts about reconciliation and peace in my family is gone now and I have to face reality. There is nothing I can do. It is out of my hands.

This week, I went for some legal advice. The attorney asked me, whether it was worth it for me to get in touch with my family, having all that hassle for some photographs and belongings that I have not needed in many years. It sounded harsh, but I was almost thankful for her clear words. Yes, what's the benefit of pictures that will anyway remind me only of dark and unhappy times.

I just want to let go - of that memories, of that family, but how?

Puzzled and confused  :stars:, but so thankful for this forum and all of you,  :hug: :wave:

Mia