Trust is hard.

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LilyITV

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Trust is hard.
« on: October 11, 2018, 08:28:18 PM »
So I've been in therapy about a month and I've already made some progress on social anxiety.   I feel myself getting better and better on that front the more I practice. 

Now we're branching out, and I'm realize I have a huge problem with trust.  Last session, my therapist gave me a questionnaire to fill out where I rank statements from 1-Strongly Agree to 5-Strongly Disagree.  The statements were things like "I love myself", "I am worthy".   I kept overthinking my answers and I was able to strongly agree on some things, like "I love myself" and "I am smart" .

But when it came to "I can trust other people", I quickly realized that no, I do not trust others.  Not one bit.  Not even my husband.  Nobody. 

For me this manifests in sooooo many different ways.  I have a problem asking people for help, because I believe they won't want to help me and be angry.  Conversely I am afraid to say "no" when asked to do something because I fear they will hate me if I do.  I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable and feel that people are always thinking negatively about me.   If someone is doing something I don't like, I automatically believe that they're doing it because they don't like me instead of their own personal reasons (luckily I'm too fearful to lash out when I feel people are treating me unfairly).   I feel good about myself when I'm by myself, but I don't trust that anyone else is going to share that opinion. 

I keep my emotions inside and don't share them for fear of being judged.  If I'm confused or uncomfortable about something, I don't share my thought processes because I think they don't matter.  I'm supposed to be helping my daughter sell some things for Girl Scouts, and I've been procrastinating like crazy and feeling like a big ball of nerves over it. 

I feel that the trust issue is going to be the "third rail" for me.  Just thinking about doing some of the things I mentioned above makes me feel nauseous. 

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Rainagain

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Re: Trust is hard.
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2018, 09:46:19 PM »
I'm pretty much the same.

But cptsd is caused by a betrayal of trust, often someone who was meant to help you or in some way care for you did the opposite and betrayed instead.

So, trust vanished over the horizon and its no surprise, life has taught us not to trust.

Don't feel bad about having zero trust, its a logical learned response.

A counsellor once said to me as a joke after 2 years of weekly sessions ' you may not even trust me'. I just looked at her, bit awkward!

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Slim

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Re: Trust is hard.
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2018, 09:52:06 PM »
It took me three years to trust my therapist!
That is a  measure of how damaged I was.
But I never realised at the time, I didnot even know what it was to trust, and how that feels
Slim

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Rainagain

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Re: Trust is hard.
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2018, 10:30:09 PM »
My therapist actually betrayed me, was doing 'chat therapy' while i was developing cptsd, at least that's what another expert has said, I was just a 'cash cow'.

Moo!

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Boy22

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Re: Trust is hard.
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2018, 03:33:27 AM »
I have been in and out of therapy for more than twenty years and I still have major trust issues.

I figure when Iíve fixed enough of my CPTSD issues the trust issues will be almost resolved simultaneously.

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woodsgnome

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Re: Trust is hard.
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2018, 05:45:38 AM »
I also have never gotten a handle on issues around trust. Several times it seemed I was close to breaking through, and almost inevitably something happened that destroyed my ability to trust.

This has caused me to feel guilty, but I finally discovered that :doh: this lack of trust didn't indicate some grand failure on my part. Yes, I'd like to find ways to trust, but there's also an acceptance level that I've reached, a kind of compromise with myself; not to torment myself with guilt feelings for something not truly a fault, but a result of circumstances I couldn't control.

The worst of the no-trust issue, then, comes when I can't trust myself. I think that's essential--that no matter how steep one's level of mistrust, adding guilt on top of it makes it worse. I also tended to play out the people pleaser game, and got badly burned by doing so, even when I had clear signs not to trust certain people. Now I'm more aware of those intuitive signs.

So I guess the only real solution for me has been to plod along with my overall program, including therapy, of attempting to still find healing in my approach to this, starting with the no self-guilt 'rule'. I think that's along the lines of healing, though not necessarily curing. Living the best I can, but accepting that it's hard for me to trust. As a goal total trust might remain elusive, but living the best I can and building my self-trust seems the direction I'd like to travel.  I just wish it was easier.   
« Last Edit: October 12, 2018, 05:48:45 AM by woodsgnome »

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LilyITV

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Re: Trust is hard.
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2018, 01:57:49 PM »
Thanks so much everyone.  It does make sense that we would be afraid to trust after being hurt and betrayed over and over. 

What's really hard for me to wrap my mind around is that for many years, I didn't even realize that I don't trust people.  Just the act of recognizing this about myself feels like a major step. 


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Rainagain

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Re: Trust is hard.
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2018, 02:32:47 PM »
You are so right Lily,

Becoming aware is vital, its the initial step.



I was unaware but badly affected for over a decade, it would be easy to bash myself for that, but no help to do so.

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LilyITV

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Re: Trust is hard.
« Reply #8 on: October 15, 2018, 06:19:06 PM »
You are so right Lily,

Becoming aware is vital, its the initial step.



I was unaware but badly affected for over a decade, it would be easy to bash myself for that, but no help to do so.

I have to resist the urge to bash myself all the time.  Not fair to bash ourselves for not knowing something we've never been taught!