steps forward - internal backlash in return

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I like vanilla

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steps forward - internal backlash in return
« on: October 12, 2018, 01:29:10 AM »
So, I have been taking a number of positive steps in my life: caring for my health (diet and exercise), networking for my career, making sure to stay in touch with friends, flirting with a guy I like, etc.

And now, big surprise (<sarcasm) I feel like crap. My inner self - those cancerous mental and emotional tumours my NM implanted and fostered in me since I was born are not just festering but actively trying to kill me again. I now feel sad and unmotivated and tired and sad and more sad and more and more sad and the suicidal ideation is back full force (not suicidal but not different enough from suicidal either). And instead of enjoying progress, I just want to go to bed and hide and cry and sleep and cry some more. But I can't because I have work and a life that I am trying to hold on to so I will force myself to keep going enough though I do not want to.

UGH! Does it never stop?!? Can I never just make progress and be happy about it without this internal backlash? It takes enough energy to just take these steps. I have none left to also fight the backlash.

UGH! 


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LilyITV

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Re: steps forward - internal backlash in return
« Reply #1 on: October 15, 2018, 06:39:02 PM »
I have felt like this recently too.  I accomplished something that should have been a victory, but instead of feeling proud and accomplished, I felt fearful and shameful. 

I don't understand why this happens, but I have chosen to think of it this way:  we are not struggling, we are fighting.  We are feeling these feelings because we are healing.  And we are winning! 

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Three Roses

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Re: steps forward - internal backlash in return
« Reply #2 on: October 15, 2018, 07:04:10 PM »
Do you think you may be in an emotional flashback? Here's some info on EFs -

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Emotional Flashbacks – Emotional flashbacks (EFs) are one of the most common symptoms of CPTSD and involve mild to intense feeling states (e.g., anger, shame, fear) that were felt in past trauma, and are layered over present day situations. For example, a person who grew up with a parent who was angry and abusive may react with sudden intense fear to a minor conflict at work and not understand what is happening or why because often people with CPTSD do not connect these feelings to past trauma.  Emotional flashbacks are contrasted by the visual flashbacks experienced withPTSD where sufferer sees the traumatic event replayed in their mind’s eye. For additional information please see Pete Walker’s article on (EF’s) here - http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf