History's Wistories Presents: weepingwisteria's intro

[weepingwisteria]

I wanted to introduce myself.

You may call me Wisteria.

Being online has been my sanctuary for communication and self-expression.

Words are something that come easily to me when faced with a blank sheet and a quiet desperation to be witnessed.

I have just received an official diagnosis for Autism Spectrum Disorder and Complex trauma. I have mixed feelings about the latter, but I think I have known that I was neurodivergent as far back as I can remember...

Granted, my memory is fragmented and often out of order.

I am here to understand my diagnosis of C-PTSD and learning how to heal from a short, but potent, lifetime of the trauma of which I did indeed perceive as inescapable...

I am hopeful that I can also develop a sense of self-efficacy and a routine regarding self-care. 

I am looking to utilize resources as tools for myself, as defined by myself and no one else.

I am looking to develop receptivity toward mutual relations, and how to identify if someone is a predator or toxic, so to speak; how to utilize the tool of letting go and/or walking away/trying to explain "why". I would deeply like to teach myself self-preservation.

I am also really, earnestly trying to parse what it means to be loved outside of occupying the position of "Scapegoat" as a child and subsequent difficulty with romantic/sexual relationships and abusive power dynamics...I guess what I am trying to say is that I have experienced both childhood abuse and domestic violence. unfortunately.

I am questioning my sexuality, and if I am gray-aromantic (do I experience romantic attraction on a limited, specific basis?)

I don't really know what else to say. I'm starting, though, and that's a...start? oof

Wisteria

[Three Roses]

Welcome, glad to have you with us! 

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Wisteria  .

First, congrats on taking a step towards trying to unravel at least some of this strange perch in life we occupy. it's pretty tempting sometimes just to shuck it all; a very understandable sentiment but perhaps we can indeed find something better than despair as the only takeaway.

Painful as sorting this all out can become, it still seems oddly worth it, too. I don't know the why of this last optimistic-sounding sentence, as so often I feel just the opposite. I guess it's on the rebound side that I can dispel the gloom and at least see what's out there that give me hope. Over time, I've discovered that this site/forum and the people on it can indeed help undoing some of the pain.

So welcome to a place of exploration where you are free to be yourself. That is an accomplishment worth celebrating, although what brought us here mostly is not at all celebratory in nature.

Hoping you can find at least some peace and understanding here. 

[milk]

Aloha Wisteria :  )

[weepingwisteria]

Thank you for the warm welcomes.