thoughts on "From Surviving to Thriving"

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Blueberry

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thoughts on "From Surviving to Thriving"
« on: October 20, 2018, 04:38:26 PM »
First of all, I'd be happy for anybody to add to this thread who wants to discuss Pete Walker's book and/or their own reactions to it.

Secondly, I'd be glad to merge this thread with any of the existing threads in this section. Or reinstate existing threads which started out chapter by chapter but before my time on the forum.

I've been reading far too much all at once without digesting, so thought I could write a bit.

Two things stand out for me: I finally understand more what the Outer Critic is. My immediate reaction seems very haughty "Who me?? I don't have an Outer Critic! I'm all ICr." But then I read how much I used to be OCr. And then Pete writes how often survivors tone one critic type down and the other flares up. That's me! I did work a lot on toning down OCr. and now for the past years the ICr. has been having a field day. Though I think my ICr. was always there, it was just camoflaged by my OCr.

The other thing that stands out for me is that I'm not clear on my 4 F type. Sometimes it depends on what type of relationship you're talking about. Romantic relationship: I'm a freeze/flight - No way I'll connect! / I have to be perfect to connect, I can't be perfect so that goes hand in hand with 'no way'. But if I were in a relationship, I'd grovel to be safe (= Fawn). Anything I've had so far semi-resembling a romantic relationship turned me into physical freeze i.e. numbing and otherwise groveling.

Non-romantic, non-friendship i'm more of a Fight type. My Outer Critic externalises. Or at least it used to. I'm much less that way inclined now, but when I'm under stress I do revert to that a bit. I'm like M in that way, which doesn't surprise me. I tried to be like her as a child so she'd love and want me. Of course it didn't work but it took me years to see that and by the time I did see it, I was quite practised in Fight type. M will be polite and friendly - as much as is possible for her anyway - when she sees a purpose in it. There is some of that in me. Control to Connect, Rage to be Safe. They're really much, much, much less my go to positions but occasionally they do rear their ugly heads again.

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Three Roses

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Re: thoughts on "From Surviving to Thriving"
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2018, 04:51:39 PM »
The way I understand it, we each have all 4 of the 4F's but use them differently. We don't just have one type.

This is an important book that I just can't read enough. Every time I pick it up I either am reminded of stuff or learn something new.

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woodsgnome

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Re: thoughts on "From Surviving to Thriving"
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2018, 09:48:26 PM »
My initial reading of Walker's book was a tad helter-skelter. It made me uncomfortable. Why? It was spot-on and personally relevant, but gut-wrenching to where I could only read a few pages at a time. He didn't get so hung up on the analytical end of things, though it was still thorough. I'd read other books that seemed so tilted to the technical descriptions as to lose the humanity.

When I waded through it later, I shocked myself at a part of the book I'd somehow missed, or at least didn't absorb, on the first reading. Despairing, but identifying with, the downside effects of so much of cptsd, I'd somehow quickly glossed over the positive vibes. In my paper copy (in chapter 6), there's a whole list in a graph  opposite the 4 F "negative" descriptions. This "positive" list shows the strengths of each 4F type. Wow--that meant a lot, to realize that it's for sure rough sailing  but we all have upsides we may not even notice or give ourselves credit for having.

Sometimes when I feel uprooted and despondent about the down parts, I go to that page and feel better about myself, knowing that yes, there are things about me that's really alright, and that boosts the feeling that at least some of these messy vibes can work out in positive ways as well as the downers we tend to focus on.

Albeit it's still so much work, this recovery ride, but meanwhile (as in right now!) there is this uptick to what's often just gloom, doom, and hopelessness.

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Boy22

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Re: thoughts on "From Surviving to Thriving"
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2018, 09:54:30 PM »
The way I understand it, we each have all 4 of the 4F's but use them differently. We don't just have one type.

This is an important book that I just can't read enough. Every time I pick it up I either am reminded of stuff or learn something new.
I hadnít really thought about the 4Fs that way Three Roses ... yes you are right. I had been too busy strongly identifying with my predominant freeze. More work for me to do in his book.

I like that I can pick it up at anytime, read through the contents page and decide to re-read whatever section takes my fancy.

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BeHea1thy

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Re: thoughts on "From Surviving to Thriving"
« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2018, 01:56:03 PM »
Hi woodsgnome,

I can really relate to your comments here!
Quote
My initial reading of Walker's book was a tad helter-skelter. It made me uncomfortable. Why? It was spot-on and personally relevant, but gut-wrenching to where I could only read a few pages at a time.

His book was so gut-wrenching for me that I eventually abandoned it and gave it away. Now I learn that there is a list of positives in chapter 6,  that I never saw.

If you, or anyone else who has the book, feel like it, and are able, could you briefly post them here? It would help me right now.

Thanks!

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woodsgnome

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Re: thoughts on "From Surviving to Thriving"
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2018, 03:19:28 PM »
Okay, here's the list per BeHea1thy's request for the list of 4F 'good' traits:

Positive characteristics of the FIGHT response include
assertiveness, boundaries, courage, moxie and leadership.

Positive characteristics of the FLIGHT response include
disengagement, healthy retreat, industriousness, know-how, and perseverance.

Positive characteristics of the FREEZE response include
acute awareness, mindfulness, poised readiness, peace, and presence.


Positive characteristics of the FAWN response include
love & service, compromise, listening, fairness, and peacemaking.


Hope this helps.


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BeHea1thy

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Re: thoughts on "From Surviving to Thriving"
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2018, 11:51:47 PM »
Thanks so much for taking the time to do this. This list is really a nice perspective change, just what I need to end my self-pity party.  :yes: