How do you cope with the feelings of squikyness? Trigger warning

[Liliuokalani]

I choose "squicky" but I have no idea how else to describe it. I started this post on another support site and want to continue it here. I talk about my past with violence and sexual abuse, just fyi.

I watched "Gone Girl" with my boyfriend and it sent me into a feeling I'm quite familiar with now. Does anyone else go through it? I just get these prickles up and down my back, I shut down. I want to cover up and hide any evidence that I am a woman. Any sexual features I have. I get this way sometimes for not really any reason, and start to get the feeling that every guy in the room is oggling me. I want to wear big baggy clothing, in fact a lot of the time when I go to the bar with friends I wear sweats while other girls are dressed to the nines. The guys I hang out with love this, they find it hilarious. I tell myself it's because I'm comfortable in my own skin. But I am not. I want to cover up all of my skin.

I get angry. It isn't fair. Men don't have to do this. I've been harassed at bars for simply looking good. Guys complain about this a lot, how a girl must be dressed that way because she wants that kind of attention. I want to look sexy sometimes, I want to be looked at, but sometimes, that's it. Looked at. I want to feel pretty and confident. Not harassed. I was raped by my first boyfriend. Other men since seem to be of the mind set that if I am their girlfriend, they can have sex with me anytime, and if I want to stop at anytime, that isn't fair to them. And now when my current boyfriend wants to touch me when I don't want to be touched, I completely shut down. I sit very still and hope that if I don't make any sudden movements, he won't want to touch me. If I do anything slightly provocative, he runs after me and starts pawing at me. It scares me. I kind of have this saying to myself sometimes. I wish I could take off my boobs and hide them at will.

What do you do when you feel these feelings?

[Pollyanna]

Liliuokalani,
I know exactly what you are describing. You're def. not crazy for feeling this way either.

This is based on my own recovery. I can only speak for myself. I would describe this feeling as being triggered into a Shame Spiral. I suffer from Sexual Anorexia. Basically sexual self hatred and hating my body. (b/c I blamed myself for the abuse) I don't anymore, but I used to be angry that God made me attractive. I thought if I were less attractive, none of the abuse would have happened. I wouldn't have been the one chosen.

When this happens I want to disappear. I get very hypervigilant that every man near me is staring at me/objectifying me.  I am def. the most modestly dressed female I know. I'll even wear jeans during the summer so I don't have to show my legs. Wearing shorts for me, feels like I'm so incredibly exposed. I almost always wear a sweater or a hoodie. In the last few years I finally realized why I do this. I was sexually abused in childhood, during my teenage years, and also in my marriage. The perp. in my teen years constantly objectified me and made comments about my body that were disgusting and so inappropriate. His behavior was very voyeuristic. Sometimes when certain men objectify me, I get triggered and spiral down.

I've done a ton of work in recovery. One thing that helps me the most while I'm in the middle of this kind of shame spiral is to start doing positive self-talk and giving myself affirmations.
"Pollyanna, you're safe right now."
"Right now, you're an adult. You're not a powerless little girl."
"The man who looked at you is not your perp. You're safe."

-Pollyanna

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh good, someone else who wears jeans in summer. I used to do that when I was younger, and it still feels funny to wear shorts or skirts. No sexual abuse, just mild molestation by a classmate, but my mother used to warn me behaviours that would "make men stare at me" or "do things", and the way she did it seemed very frightening to me as a kid, so there's that. Later on, when I was an older teen, whenever a guy looked at me a certain way, the first thought in my head was that he must be either a dangerous idiot looking for easy prey or a harmless idiot who didn't realize I'm not pretty.

[rebelsue]

Crazy to read other people hide their bodies. The guys i hang out with also respect my modesty. Nobody knows its because i actually feel safer covered up. But ive always been like this and have no memory of any early childhood sexual abuse. I had a boyfriend in high school manipulate me into agreeing to things i didn't want to do but the modesty body shame stuff was well established long before he came along.