"a mother's ability to repair"

[seasaw_]

I'm reading "The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin Lee Cori (has anyone read it?) and I'm only on the third page and I'm having a big "Wait a second..." moment.

It's talking about how the 'good enough' mother has to have, more than the natural capacity to be in sync (defined as in a harmonious state together, with the mother attuned to the child), is the capacity to repair out-of-syncness so as to reestablish optimal connection. "The good-enough mother needs to repair the inevitable ruptures that occur in every relationship. She is not always going to behave just right, but she has to know how to make it right when she misses. ... For a child to be able to rectify the inevitable disruptions in this relationship is empowering ... Conversely, to not be able to get Mother's attention, to not be able to reconnect after there has been a disconnection, can leave the child feeling profoundly impotent and discouraged about relationships and about getting her needs met."

Um... You mean it was my mom's job to make things better the thousands of times there was a rift between us?
You mean all those times my mom's feelings got hurt and she stomped off and threw a tantrum, it wasn't MY job to make HER feel better?
You mean all the times she was only cold and distant no matter how many times I apologized and explained and pleaded, and I felt like she was damaging me... she WAS? Like, science has proven it?
You mean all the times she wailed at me about how much I was hurting her, and I raged back because I didn't feel like it was my job to make her feel better - it WASN'T?
You mean all the times when I was a kid, just a little kid, and she told me I'd embarrassed her or hurt her feelings and withheld her affection from me, she was doing the opposite of what a mom is supposed to do? And feeling sad was a healthy response?
Sometimes she could be so loving... she would tell me she loved me more than anything else in the world.

Anyone relate?

[Widdiful Falling]

You seem to be talking about parentification. Yes, I do relate.

I was there to tell my mother she was good enough, instead of the other way around.

[bee]

I can relate.

All the stuff you said about your interactions with your mother, I've lived that. I have NC now, so I don't fall into the trap of taking care of her anymore, but the way she taught me to be has far reaching consequences.

Recently, with regard to relationships with my siblings, I asked my T what I should do to make sure they are not hurt. She said, "It's not your job." I was confused and dumbfounded. It took me several moments to respond, and I said "What do you mean it's not my job. Of course it's my job. It's always been my job to protect everyone else's feelings." She said "It's your job to take care of yourself, they are adults and can take care of theirselves." It is so ingrained, that even though I get logically that this is true, it is very hard to put into practice. And, I do see that it puts me at a huge disadvantage in the world.

It is a terrible position to put a child in, and an even worse lesson to teach a child.

[Whobuddy]

"The good-enough mother needs to repair the inevitable ruptures that occur in every relationship. She is not always going to behave just right, but she has to know how to make it right when she misses. ... For a child to be able to rectify the inevitable disruptions in this relationship is empowering ... Conversely, to not be able to get Mother's attention, to not be able to reconnect after there has been a disconnection, can leave the child feeling profoundly impotent and discouraged about relationships and about getting her needs met."

Um... You mean it was my mom's job to make things better the thousands of times there was a rift between us?
You mean all those times my mom's feelings got hurt and she stomped off and threw a tantrum, it wasn't MY job to make HER feel better?

Anyone relate?

Yes, I can relate. Very much so. I am only now recognizing the flaws that my M had. Gasp, I was never supposed to question the M. I have read that not only were our parents supposed to love and nuture us - they were supposed to be preparing us for adulthood. Needless to say that didn't happen for me.

I thought they were preparing me just to get out of the house and leave them the h*** alone.