JDog's Journal

[Jdog]

Thanks, BH.  Yes, the rewards of teaching certainly outweigh the risks and I am truly honored to be entrusted with some portion of students' education every year.  I am humbled by the responsibility and also find stuff to laugh about many days.  A good gig.

I did get to hang with my gym buddy today and then took myself on a beautiful walk by the river.  What a very fortunate person I am!

[Jdog]

Letting go, moving on.....

We are selling my Mom's high end electronic piano which has not received proper use for over 10 years.  I am glad to be lightening my load, on the one hand - it takes up quite a bit of space in my small office.  On the other hand, there is sadness as I fondly remember her playing it before she began having strokes which made it impossible to continue playing.  I am sure that this instrument is meant to be in a home where it will be loved and enjoyed, and equally sure that she would be happy that it will receive use once more.  But of course, letting go of this is another step in letting go of her and moving on to build my own self. 

Unlike some folks on this site, I was not plagued by a narcissistic Mother.  I truly could not ever become my true self while she was living, however.  Her death set me adrift like someone who had (unknowingly) been tethered to a branch only to have the tether suddenly release.  The release was confusing, scary, and disorienting (despite how severely disabled she was at the time of her demise).  By contrast, the death of my Father many years ago (I was in my early 20's) was something I never truly mourned at all.  His own pain was too deep to allow him to show me affection or give comfort.  Too much denial, alcohol, and depression to be a good Father.  Since I have no children of my own, I need not worry about either smothering them or pushing them too far away from me.  It is a blessing. 

[Jdog]

Hi friends!

I wanted to report that sinc my previous post in this spot so very much has happened - my wife and I sold our home and have rented a duplex and adopted a much simpler lifestyle, I am continuing to make progress in my cptsd recovery and hardly ever have panic attacks, and I am enjoying my teaching year.  I continue to be so grateful for the support of friends, my wife, and for my running which helps me stay sane in ways I can never fully explain.

I will be 57 in two more months, and will have run my second marathon between now and then.  I am very motivated to continue working on staying present and facing difficulties.  I will probably need to look back and reread these words in coming weeks! 

[Boatsetsailrose]

J dog enjoy - sounds good
Nice to hear

[Jdog]

Thank you!  Still a work in progress!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes
Reflecting on any progress we make is good
Good to
Look and see where we came from and where we are ... The rest is yet unwritten but it sure looks better even on the bad days
All best wishes

[Jdog]

Tomorrow, I run my second Marathon.  I have been training sufficiently, eating properly, and working on my overall mindset - fine tuning so that I can be present more of the time.  This "test" is also a celebration of recovery for me.  I do have a time goal, which will be adjusted up or down as necessary as the race proceeds.  The final hour will find me coming face to face with so many parts of myself - a chance to soothe the child, keep the adult focused, and remember why I am taking this journey.

Today - it's all about keeping the feet up!

[Dutch Uncle]

For a friend who ran the marathon, I once biked around so I could pass him his energy drinks at the pre-designated spots along the track.

I'll be cheering you on!  <--- that should read: JDOG! JDOG!

[Jdog]

Many thanks, Dutch Uncle! I so very much appreciate the support!!

[Jdog]

Wow it's been a couple of years since I posted here.  What made me think of adding to the journal was another injury I received today - not while running, however.  I was ruminating over my growing up years, looking at Google Maps photos of my old neighborhood.  Somebody bought our old house and doubled it in size.  I was feeling very lost.   While feeling this, I decided to cut some of the cardboard away from an ice cream container.  The knife slipped and I punctured myself in the fold between thumb and the rest of the hand.
We went to the ER, and I now have 5 stitches in my hand.

I guess it's not a great idea to use knives while dissociating...

[Boatsetsailrose]

Aww j dog! Thank god for hospitals...
Take care..
Yes I've been having a similar thing lately putting old photos in albums and looking at old homes..
I haven't been back to my old childhood house I think it would be v sad and lonely.
Sometimes the past is better to keep letting go of.. But reminiscing is an easy activity to do
Hope your hand heals well

[Jdog]

Yes, agreed, Boats.  Best to let some things go.  Especially since there is much for which to be thankful in the "now." 

Today is an easier one.  Thanks for the support.

[sanmagic7]

glad to see you back.  hard to believe it's been so long.  but, sorry about your hand.  hope it heals quickly and smoothly.  sending love and hugs to you.

[Jdog]

BeHea1thy-

Thanks- I think I am keeping the stitches clean and supple - they are protected by a bandage that lets no germs in....will check it later today. 

San-

Thanks for the support!,

[Jdog]

I wrote in another spot on the forum of the pain being triggered by recent revelations of sexual misconduct as well as domestic violence coverups by staff at Ohio State, my alma mater.  I wrote of the memories and guilt and shame resurfacing from being coerced into having sexual relationships with several professors. 

Today, I took a very long walk, just letting that pain be felt.  I did some yard work, then read a handbook related to something for work.  I am watching my favorite baseball team play on television (go A's).  I am getting ready to go to someone's home in order to learn the right way to make a pie crust.  All of these distractions help as much as feeling the pain on my walk did.  But I feel dirty and ashamed and almost like I'm coming out of a stupor.  The only way out is through.