Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T

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C.

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Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

2.   With your therapist's help, identify the ways in which you keep yourself from feeling your shame by adopting a role or "false self" that you portray to others.   Share this "false self" with your therapist and try to understand what the role gives you that you feel you lack inside.

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Kizzie

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2015, 08:21:08 PM »
I missed this one somehow! 

I don't know that I really have as much as a false self as I used to think I had and what I mean by that is, I used to ramp up the adult part to hide my IC when she was afraid, angry .....  I wouldn't let her out because of course she reacted like a young child.  As I acknowledge and respect her fears (and more positive aspects too) more, I don't feel like she is so separate and that I have to be a 'super adult' so I'm not feeling like I have a false self as much. Does that make sense?  I know what I'm trying to say but I'm not sure I'm being clear.   :stars:

Anyway, I think it's important in my recovery not to call any part of me "false" per se, it's more a case that I act stronger, braver, happier than I feel when my IC is unhappy, afraid ....... and I'm not doing that as much now that she is more part of me.

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C.

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2015, 06:38:17 PM »
I think that makes a lot of sense.  I used to wear a lot of make up in part because it prevented me from crying.  Too vain to smear the make-up haha.  Now, I'm finding more of my true preferences regards activities, physical wellness, roles, personality, etc. 

As for your topic, I think I've developed up to my adolescence at the moment.  I cried the infant and toddler abandonment out.  Now I'm learning how to channel that adolescent rebellious/angry feeling or simply "escaping" to appropriate assertiveness.

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Kizzie

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2015, 04:23:35 AM »
Yes the raccoon eyes, heaven forbid lol!

I think I'm in a late teen, young adult stage well except  physically of course (wah).

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Annegirl

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2015, 01:16:05 AM »
Kizzie that makes a lot of sense!!! You helped me to understand the question. I really understand how now your IC is allowed to be here and before it wasn't. Also I love what you write about not seeing any part of yourself as false and i found that releasing.
Its similar for me too about the IC. I suppose we became false selves and saw ourselves like that, someone who wouldn't show weakness and cry, someone who never told people how they really thought/felt about things, and didn't know how i felt/thought about things. Because it was safer, and sometimes it still is.
« Last Edit: July 02, 2015, 01:19:16 AM by Annegirl »

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C.

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2015, 04:45:02 PM »
I appreciate both of you pointing out and correcting the term "false" self, it really is too negative and like you said we're always ourselves in some way, but sometimes unaware or doing something for self-preservation in the past that we need to change.

Since I started this group I feel like what I've seen you say, Kizzie, where I'm starting to see all of myself and preferences more clearly.  Not behaviors in reaction, rebellion of self-preservation, more of a blend of the healthier "me's" if that makes sense.  \

I was joking w/a friend yesterday that sometimes I think that when I separated I looked at "married me" and just decided to do everything opposite.  Married me wore no make-up, practical shoes, and got up at 4:30am.  Now me likes make up, heels, and to stay awake late.  Now I know that those are simply true preferences.  I like drawing and art so make up is sincerely relaxing for me and forces me to really concentrate on me to get those straight lines (no squiggles haha) although my eyes and skin have become sensitive so I don't wear much anymore.  But, I'm considering starting to curl my hair more often for the same reason.  I like heels when my knees allow it b/c they force me to slow down my pace and concentrate on walking gracefully.  I used to get up early to avoid my husband b/c he stayed up late.  Plus my whole life my parents told me I was a early morning person, really they are the early birds, not me.  I think my point is that I'm starting to figure out my preferences and why.

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Kizzie

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2015, 04:03:47 PM »
Maybe the terms 'hidden self" and/or the "projected self" are more appropriate?  Hidden being the parts we don't let out (or try not to anyway such as our hurt, angry IC). And the projected self is the the part(s) of ourselves we use the most to protect ourselves - the fighter, fawner, freezer, fleer.  They are all part of us but some get a little more prevalent and reactive, However, they are all a part of our personalities and everyone needs (healthy versions of) them to protect themselves as Pete Walker suggests. I agree Anne that it may be safer to hide (of fight or fawn or flee) with impunity because there is danger IRL.   

I think what's happening in my recovery is an integration of different parts too C, and in doing so the blending turns down/up the volume on certain parts that were loud, and others that were quiet.  The result is more of a sense of flow between them, they don't feel as separate or distinct and they work together better, more seamlessly. Gak, difficult to describe I agree C!  :stars:
« Last Edit: July 06, 2015, 06:29:57 PM by Kizzie »

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C.

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2015, 06:25:57 PM »
Yep.  An example I've been thinking about the past few days is that I love stories.  And that's consistent between languages and cultures for me.  I "walk" in what I'd consider 3 "cultures" IRL: Hispanic, Anglo-American, and my Faith Community (a pretty international group).  The people in these cultures don't mix much, but I move between them, if that makes any sense.

I used to worry that I bored people w/my stories or theirs.  Now I try to gauge level of interest but am finding that's a skill I have both for sharing and listening.

And I just realized that those qualities which carry through all of these "cultures" for me are probably the most core or authentic to me.  Kind of a nice way to gauge things since it is confusing.  I have a gentleness, a playfulness, a femininity, and more relaxed feeling that I prefer in the Hispanic cultures and I'm figuring out how to integrate that into the other settings...

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Annegirl

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #8 on: July 08, 2015, 01:47:40 AM »
Its very interesting and this makes sense C and Kizzie. Your discussion brings up a lot more understanding for healing. It shows you how intricate, deep and diverse us humans are. I suppose i did make a hidden self for years when i never showed expression on my face and didn't talk to people apart from "yes" no, thank you, good and sorry. All the rest of my ideas and words i thought were inappropriate and susceptible to being ridiculed. I felt safe to put on a person who people couldn't 'read' or understand. So in a way it wasn't who i was but who i had become to feel in control somehow.
And the ironic thing is in those days I think I was inappropriate and angry a lot. At church i was mainly in a state of amazement how these other teenagers my age could interact with others the way they did. Even my brothers managed to join in 'normally' and they too were embarrassed by me and excluded me.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2015, 02:00:28 AM by Annegirl »

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C.

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #9 on: July 08, 2015, 05:01:59 AM »
I admire your self-awareness and mature understanding of your adolescence.  And I'm so sorry that you were not understood and were excluded.  And that it occurred in a setting that ideally should be a safe haven.  I trust your understanding to continue to help you to uncover "you" who is safe to express herself authentically.  I see, like and support your many "layers"  :hug:

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Annegirl

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2015, 12:51:53 AM »
 :hug: Thank you so much C! :)  :hug:

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C.

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #11 on: July 09, 2015, 03:02:07 AM »
Your welcome.  And lots of  :hug: across the oceans  ;)

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Annegirl

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Re: Professional Help Activity 2: Discuss "false self" w/your T
« Reply #12 on: July 12, 2015, 03:01:08 AM »
Thank you C :)  :hug: