Self Help Activity 3: Dreams About Abuse Resolution

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C.

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Self Help Activity 3: Dreams About Abuse Resolution
« on: June 29, 2015, 06:57:12 PM »
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Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

3.   Have you had any dreams that might reflect this new level of resolution regarding the abuse? Frequently, at major milestones of recovery, survivors have dreams that capture the essence of their understanding in a way that words cannot.

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Kizzie

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Re: Self Help Activity 3: Dreams About Abuse Resolution
« Reply #1 on: July 01, 2015, 03:41:33 AM »
Yes, I am definitely dreaming differently these days.  My dreams used to be filled with anxiety, wandering around trying to find my way to class, to the right room in a building, to get on the right bus. I was always alone and an adult.

Now I am an older teen or young adult and there people around me and we do those things and daily living kinds of things. Life is not perfect or rosy or even exciting, but I .... am....not......alone  - for for the first time ever.

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C.

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Re: Self Help Activity 3: Dreams About Abuse Resolution
« Reply #2 on: July 01, 2015, 09:40:43 PM »
My dreams are different too. 

I had one that specifically addressed resolution through a metaphor:  I drove on a different road and reached my destination safely as opposed to getting lost in unsafe areas in previous dreams.

Some of my dreams are unsettling-I think I am processing the loss of my H.  When I counted up the years I was actually w/him (the first 20 yrs included ongoing and inconsistent emotional abuse and neglect, the last 2 more extreme like withholding my son's company for parenting time, and physical harm to me and my son) longer than my FOO (18 yrs).  My last three years of college and my travels I think I was in recovery, but didn't realize or understand that to be the case.  So the abuse combination puts me at 30 years of regular and "inconsistent" emotional abuse.  Too much for my heart and brain to handle. 

The dream about exH:  Last night I had a dream where my he said he'd never stopped loving me and I said the same, ugh, I want to be past this, but my brain is telling me I still have work to do.  And he kissed me and it felt foreign and uncomfortable.  And his GF (she'll always be mistress in my eyes) was completely insignificant and small and young in the dream (She's barely older than the daughter which really creeps me out).

Side note: my kids have been commenting on how "gross" large age differences between couples appear to them when we've watched movies or tv shows.  I don't know if they're aware of the parallel to their father.  I know that if I dated someone so much younger than me I would feel like I was an abuser/criminal even if the man were an "adult."

In hindsight, I now think that the dream was a form of resolution.  My T has been talking w/me about the types of love and how I have a "friend" love w/my exH.  He still parents my son and is a multidimensional individual w/positive qualities as well, so I have a form of love, but it's no longer romantic.  And I miss romance in my life.  And I miss having a trusted partner in my home.

And for the first time I've had dreams where I tried to set a boundary w/my M, and although it didn't work for me, I had an increased awareness of how she was harming me in my dream.  Her presence simply puts me in an EF at times.

I don't remember dreams about my father.  I'm not sure why.

Thanks for listening.  I am going to set a notebook by where I sleep or nap and put more energy in to recording my dreams, they often have parallels to real life.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2015, 09:45:44 PM by C. »

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Self Help Activity 3: Dreams About Abuse Resolution
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2015, 02:39:57 AM »
Yay Kizzie!  For having dreams of not being alone!  That is awesome!

And go C. and for getting somewhere safely even when you took the wrong road!  That's great!

It's interesting your kids are grossed out about something going on in their own lives, and may not even see it. Personally?  I have always been attracted to younger men. I thought it was because they pursued me, and that it was because I look younger than my age but maybe not.  My mom is 5 years older than my father... That probably has something to do with it.  And somewhere in my mind I think I thought I could control the situation better, and would have less chance of being abused if I was older and wiser than them. Silly me!

The notebook is a good idea. I have books by my bed and have lately found myself scribbling frantically in the fly leaf pages after I wake to try to retain and capture the shards that remain upon waking. It is helping: focusing on remembering and writing it down.

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C.

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Re: Self Help Activity 3: Dreams About Abuse Resolution
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2015, 10:51:59 PM »
I didn't mean dating younger men to be bad.  My ex's mistress was only a couple of years older than our daughter.  And he's referred to her (mistress) like she was a kid to me a few times which is just so creepy that he is sexually intimate w/her and that she kind of "replaced" our daughter, who'd just gone to college. when his infidelity occurred.  And his relationship w/our daughter was emotionally incestuous which risks becoming incestuous in other ways.  I know that now, and didn't then.  In some ways his affair may have protected our daughter.

That said interesting awareness about feeling more in control w/younger men.  I think that's what makes it feel unfair to me, like I could too easily manipulate and take advantage of a younger man due to my "worldly ways" haha

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Self Help Activity 3: Dreams About Abuse Resolution
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2015, 03:01:34 AM »
Yes, you are right C.  I never got close to the really young ones. I loved them in my own way?  But it just felt wrong eventually. They were sweet, and hot and kind?  But I always was the one to say good bye.

My T. says I need to be with a man who is stronger than me. The likelihood of meeting one like that seems slim to none. I definitely consider myself a Steel Magnolia.

Sounds like your ex did everybody a favor.  And I doubt he was really ever a truly trusted partner. I have lost the closest thing I ever had to the love of my life and a truly trusted partner this year. And even he, who I trusted with my life?  Had too many secrets. That I may never know. So I had to let him go. 17 years!  Down the drain!

And now I am WAY off topic!

But all I can remember about my dreams lately and it is not a memory? But I wake up almost every day chanting "It is okay to have feelings. Having feelings is okay."

Not much of a dream. But critical for my recovery.  As lately I have come to have a deep understanding of how being robbed of the right to feel has really ruined my life. Up to this point!  Feeling and allowing it is making my life much better!
« Last Edit: July 03, 2015, 03:03:34 AM by VeryFoggy »

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C.

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Re: Self Help Activity 3: Dreams About Abuse Resolution
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2015, 04:59:37 PM »
Haha it's ok VF I feel like the partner idea is very on topic b/c lately I've been having dreams almost daily about being in a relationship w/a man, sometimes good, sometimes good at first, but then I'm aware, sometimes vengeful, of the same ethnicity or different, same religion or different, someone I know or someone that was entirely created from my imagination, an ex bf, etc.  My T says that I'm currently rethinking my ideal partner and figuring that out, that the men I see in my dreams have qualities that I value or the opposite and I figure that out in my dream.  And like you I've come to accept there may not be someone that's a good match since I have an unusual combination of characteristics.  I know that's why the online recovery works well for me, b/c I come in contact w/more people and find more people w/whom I can relate than where I currently live.  I hope I'm wrong and that one day I meet the right match for me, but I'm gonna be picky this time lol