Announcements and Other Topics This Week

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Announcements and Other Topics This Week
« Reply #15 on: July 11, 2015, 01:03:16 PM »
Thank you so much C! :hug:

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Trees

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Re: Announcements and Other Topics This Week
« Reply #16 on: July 11, 2015, 02:14:35 PM »
Dear VF, you are so very blameless, an innocent defiled child, and additionally brainwashed to  carry the blame in your heart all these years.  Such a terrible burden!

So good you are taking care of yourself, your IC.  You deserve so much more love than you were ever given.

Hugs   :hug:

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VeryFoggy

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Re: Announcements and Other Topics This Week
« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2015, 07:58:50 PM »
Thank you Trees!  I know you know what that feels like.

I have had a great revelation tonight. I know now that I was terrified for most of my first 16 years of life.  Wrong, right, or indifferent, I was terrified. I have never felt safe, and there was nothing to trust, or count on, or depend on, and I was terrified, and that is why I have CPTSD.  Nobody can live like that, not for 16 years and survive intact. I never felt safe.  I never knew what would happen next, never. There was no predicting because my dad was mentally ill.

I get this tonight deeply, and the rest be damned, I have great compassion for myself tonight, and  a lassitude, and feeling of letting go stealing into my body. And that is why I have to be here in my own home now, and alone and feeling safe. Not agoraphobic?  But feeling safe for a few years now, and now I can finally let go. I do trust me tonight, to take care of me.  And I was so wrong to try to make my sister my best friend, so wrong.  There was no way she could ever understand my feelings about my son, and why I could not take her advice.  She has never had a child, did not know what it was like to feed him with her own body and to care for his every need. 

I desperately now want to ask my own children both, did you ever feel safe with me? Did you ever trust me ever to take care of you? I so want them to have a felt a bit safe. I so want them to feel that I was a warrior, and that I was going to make them safe no matter what. I will ask soon.

Tonight I feel like my mother was a weak silly woman, who trusted a man, and her vows to keep her and her children safe. And look what has happened to her and to us? She carried him until he ground her into the dirt. And then he proceeded to break me and then broke my next brother, and then finally turned my sister and my youngest brother into Narcissists too. Just like him.

Tonight I am thinking: You made a bad decision mom.  And then you compounded it by refusing to leave him and protect us. Instead you listened to him instead of to yourself.

And so tonight, I feel like I will never again have a relationship with a man, and my last BF was as close as I am ever going to get. It would be different if my life had been different? But itís not and that last relationship is probably as good as itís ever going to get. It's going to have to be good enough.

I so want to cry. And I canít even cry. Even now knowing all that I do I still canít cry. That is so sad.

And NONE of what I wrote above is going to make any sense at all to anyone except me?  But I still posted it. Because I am just really deep in mourning right now.  Deep mourning. For all of the waste and ruin. That two people caused. My silly mother and my insane father. And, now 4 other lives have been ruined.

I hope and pray I can stop the madness. I hope my children felt safe.  I hope setting boundaries with my son will help. I hope my warrior example will help my daughter. But I want this to stop.

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Trees

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Re: Announcements and Other Topics This Week
« Reply #18 on: July 11, 2015, 09:07:57 PM »
And NONE of what I wrote above is going to make any sense at all to anyone except me?  But I still posted it. Because I am just really deep in mourning right now.  Deep mourning. For all of the waste and ruin.

VF, all of what you say makes perfect sense to me, and probably to everyone on this site.

My personal experience is that mourning is ultimately deeply comforting.  Becoming able to mourn seems to me like a step toward becoming able to construct a new sense of self.

Yes, you are a Warrior Woman.   :hug:    Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

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C.

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Re: Announcements and Other Topics This Week
« Reply #19 on: July 12, 2015, 11:06:13 AM »
Exactly what Trees said. 

And I hope it's ok that I say this, but I would add criminal and accomplice to your dad and mom.  And I trust that one day the tears will flow for you.  It seems that the mourning is happening now on a deeper level for you.  Reading your story did move me to tears.

Know that you are cared for and respected here.  May you feel the hugs in your heart. :hug:
C.