Samantha's Journal

[samantha19]

I'm progressively getting closer to moving out, I've saved up a good bit of money, so yay.
I'm so triggered living here, I hear my dad being horrible to my mum, I hear them arguing, I see my brothers being neglected and hear my parents treating my youngest brother like an annoying piece of crap.
It's horrible.
At least I'm getting out.
I just feel bad for leaving my brothers, but I'll stay in touch and take them on days out.
Work is hard because my social anxiety is still severe and limits me, and my brain likes to convince me people don't like me anymore.
It keeps getting proven wrong to me though, every now and then, which is bittersweet.
It's a relief but it's sad, cause damn I believed in those warped thoughts. They affected my actions, etc.
I've been crying a lot and feeling my emotions. I understand this is healthy compared to dissociating from them. I honestly do think I'm recovering, even though I haven't had a therapist yet. I'm getting better in some ways, I'm moving out soon!! I have relational healing via one very good friend I have, who is always there to listen to me babble and is just a really nice, caring person to me.
I'm learning a lot about my illness, I'm learning to feel, I'm learning it's okay to cry and be down and suffering is human. Sometimes, rarely, I am happy. But this is probably increasing. Nah, I know it is. And as I allow myself to feel sadness and all the emotions from my trauma, the ability to feel joy and other emotions should increase too. :-)
I left my abusive ex. I am working, even if it's really, really hard.
It's not easy, but I am progressing, I can see that.
I will heal. I am so sorry I can't save my younger brothers right now, I need to save myself first. I will at least be a source of love, when I can be. It's something, right? It's something.
I realize I probably can't go NC with my FOO, as I don't know how that would work, with my younger brothers. Whatever, I can take that sacrifice, I love them.
I'll make my life into something better. I'll keep going. I'm determined.
It's hard and I feel helpless sometimes, but I gotta do this. I gotta.
I deserve healing, we all do. So, I'll keep on seeking it. I will. And I'll get there. I'm more determined every day.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi samantha19,
I wrote this reply to another thread/post you made, but it was gone when I was done typing.  That's OK.
I saved my reply though, and I see now that this post addresses to a large extend the other post you made.
So I will post my written reply here.
I hope you're OK with that.



That's quite a heartbreaking story, samantha19. 

Moving out seems like a good idea.  for doing so.
It's a good and brave thing to do, and I'm sure it will aid you in your recovery.
As for your brothers: I can relate to your predicament as to what will happen to them now. A phrase pops up from my memory that I have learned from others for situations like this: "First put on the oxygen-mask before you start to help others putting them on", like they say in the safety-briefing on airplanes...
It sounds a bit hard, but it makes sense when you think about it.

I need to move out, I just feel bad about it. :/
I know I can't get through to my parents, either. I've tried. They just gaslight me and become emotionally abusive. There's no getting through.
I really don't know what to do.

I think you are doing the right thing by moving out, and focus on your own well being. You may well feel even more powerless as you feel now. Yet you'll feel more powerful over you're own (mental) health, and that is real progress.
Perhaps in a few months, or a year even, you'll feel more powerful to do what you have been thinking of: go to the social services. Be a help in getting your disabled brother out of the house and get additional support for your younger brother who has been a victim of his abuse and the neglect of your parents.
But for now it's important to focus on you, and get well and learn the life of living independently from your parents and their abuse.

Just the kind of slapping that a lot of society seems to consider normal.

Society is getting less and less tolerant of things like this, so there is hope. For him and for you.

I just feel like my little brother is probably as emotionally damaged as me, or on track to getting there. He is really angry and upset a lot of the time, and depressed and anxious. I can't fix it. I can't save him. And it's breaking my heart.

I can relate, and I want to send a big    to you.
You're right, you can't fix it, and can't save him.
And most of all: remember you are not the one inflicting the abuse. You wrote you may have contributed, but you have realized this and have stopped. That is awesome of you, and you may give yourself a pat on the back for that. 
In due time your younger brother may see, by you setting the example of not taking part in the abuse that there is another way to interact with other people around oneself, and that in itself is a great message you are sending him. You are leading by example, and that really is the only thing you have power over, and what a powerful thing that is.

I wish you strength in the coming months when moving out. You are doing the best you can.
You go Girl! 

[samantha19]

Thanks DutchUncle <3 you were right and I appreicate the kindness

I haven't wrote here in a while, wowza. Lots to update.

I've moved out! My flat is really big and nice thanks to having 2 flat mates. Unfortunately they're a couple and they argue sometimes, with the guy being an * to the girl. Controlling and nasty, basically. That triggered me a lot the other day, because she reached out to me and it was so similar to my past relationship. I began thinking about how on earth I have managed to live with a nasty, controlling type of man in all three of my living arrangements throughout my life. But whatever, I'm just going to try and distance myself from it all. They're my housemates, not my responsibility. A bunch of people have told her to leave him, ultimately it's her life. I can't get invested in their problems, they are in control of themselves, not me.
And if things keep happening to trigger me, I'll make arrangements to get out of this living situation or tell them straight up to stop (hopefully). Yay for assertiveness.
Other than that my flat is pretty good. I just don't have many friends in the area, but maybe as time goes on I will make more. Who knows? We'll see.
I am doing a lot better. I never realised just how better until reading my past entires here and reflecting. Like wow.
I am doing quite well at work now, dare I say it. Well, for me. I'm learning things, I complete tasks, I can go and ask people for help and guidance when needed (even if I put it off and struggle with this sometimes!). I get the job done, mostly. I am improving, quite a lot, I guess.
I still have social anxiety, obviously, but I'm recovering.
I have been doing the Social Anxiety Institute course online and it's really working for me! It's only 20 pounds per month. It really helps. I am noticing a lot of differences cognitively. I am getting a lot better at countering automatic negative thoughts, feeling hope over despair and just being sociable in general.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty damn quiet, where I'm not comfortable. But I don't pure hate myself for this anymore. I have more understanding and I know that beating myself up isn't healthy, worthwhile or productive.
I'm starting to realise that people most often don't give a damn about me to be judging me and these negative thoughts that jump into my mind all the time are liars (at least virtually all of the time).
I'm climbing out of my depression. It doesn't affect me too often anymore. I have hope that I won't have social anxiety forever. This course I'm doing talks of it as curable. And I think as I deconstruct my terribly negative thoughts it will be, and if not I'll at least be a thousand times better than I was before.
Life doesn't feel so doomed.
I can still suffer flashbacks but they are way less frequent. I used to get one every day in work, before morning was over. Now it's a much rarer thing, I am not triggered so easily. And I can get out of it quicker too. So that's good. It feels like I have flashbacks at times in my life now, instead of having occasional bursts of life in between one big long flashback.

Trigger Warning: physical abuse and flashbacks

When I get them though my mind has started blurting out and repeating "get off of me!" I don't know where exactly this comes from. Sometimes I get visuals of my childhood room. I think it's just from physical abuse, idk if I actually said or thought that then or if it's a reaction from now. But I hear it and I can twitch, become afraid of others around me and start to cry. Not so fun. I feel like I am screaming "get off of me!" in reference to the past but also to all this social anxiety and illness that is still on me as a result.
I laugh about it often too, in a dark way. You know the lyrics to taylor swifts trouble? That plays in my mind only with "triggered, triggered, triggered".
Humour helps, at least only to acknowledge the situation. Realise what's going on. This is a flashback not reality.
My little brothers still live at home and I am a positive part of their lives when they visit or I visit them or phone. I can only do what I can. I am responsible for me. That's just how it is. Sad, but true, unfortunately. I don't really dwell on it any more.
I will always be there, and offer kindness, love and be a friend to them. What else can I do?
That's it from me, just now. Over and out 

[Kizzie]

They're my housemates, not my responsibility. A bunch of people have told her to leave him, ultimately it's her life. I can't get invested in their problems, they are in control of themselves, not me. And if things keep happening to trigger me, I'll make arrangements to get out of this living situation or tell them straight up to stop (hopefully). Yay for assertiveness.

I am doing quite well at work now, dare I say it. Well, for me. I'm learning things, I complete tasks, I can go and ask people for help and guidance when needed (even if I put it off and struggle with this sometimes!). I get the job done, mostly. I am improving, quite a lot, I guess.  I still have social anxiety, obviously, but I'm recovering.

This is a flashback not reality. My little brothers still live at home and I am a positive part of their lives when they visit or I visit them or phone. I can only do what I can. I am responsible for me. That's just how it is. Sad, but true, unfortunately. I don't really dwell on it any more.

Wow that is some solid recovery you've got going on Samantha   Glad you came back to let us know 

[Alice97]

Wow Samantha, you really have come a long way. I was reading some of your older entries and to see how much better you are now gives me hope that I can someday get to a better place too. Kudos to you for moving out  , that takes a lot of courage. Thanks for updating us on how you're doing, here's to continued progress!   

[Alice97]

Thanks for continuing to be honest, and no it isn't discouraging. You give me hope that things can get better, but also comfort that it's OK to still struggle sometimes too. I related to today's post way too much. I know it feels weird to say that stuff here (I just did the same thing recently). All I can say is hugs, and I hope you find answers eventually.

[samantha19]

I feel dead inside today.
I've been like this for the past few days altogether.
Trying to quit smoking again probably isn't helping, but I'm sick of making myself physically more ill through addiction, and I want to kick this habit because it's not mentally healthy either.
I've became more aware that smoking is, for me, a trauma response. I do it when I feel things I don't want to feel, like stress or anxiety.
I feel so detached. This isn't normal.
I think being on this website more again is triggering to me, which is a shame because it's a good outlet and nice to be surrounded by others experiencing similar, sharing support etc.
But I feel I am dealing with a lot at once by being here, confronting a lot of my repressed feelings.
Maybe I need to take it a bit slower and more easily, lol.
I think I'm just a little overwhelmed. So my emotions are just like bye see ya next week kid this is too much, sry 

I'd usually have smoked about 5 cigarettes by now and I haven't smoked any today. That's cool. Even if I feel like a dead thing.

I honestly feel not in my body. Is this dissociation? I guess to an extent, yes. Fun times.

I have a problem where I'm becoming healthy enough to realise a lot of people in my life are trash, but not healthy enough to make new friends who are better suited to me.

So it's a case of hang about with untrustworthy * stains or be alone.

(Excuse my bluntness I'm getting better at angering and I'm also experiencing nicotine withdrawal, yay!)

I hate my dad. I've repressed these feelings in favour of "something nicer" but the way he treated me was * *.
I can't trust anyone because of his shape shifting personality.
I was too young and iscolated to fully understand and it was entirely the fault of my parents.

I still act nice with my parents because I'm too scared not to, for a number of reasons. To name a few:

It would be uncomfortable.
They're unpredictable and controlling.
I can see this causing drama that spans into wider parts of my family (I live with my cousin, for example).
My little brothers live with my parents and I want to see them.
I'm probably still scared of my dad being violent towards me, or whatever, as this fear was deeply embedded within me as a child and teenager.
When I explain to my mum she gaslights me, which is * horrible to deal with. She literally tries to tell me I can't trust my own memory (she done this last time and said I falsely remembered being kicked the time my dad smashed my friends laptop and I wasn't kicked. So obvs my memory is messed up and he's not abusive lol. Figure that one out).

But what's the alternative?

I fear that acting like everything is fine not only gives them a free pass but disturbs my healing.
How can I be healed if I pretend to like the people who abused and destroyed me?

I am confused about how I feel with this.
I will leave it just now to deal with it in time.

I've been looking at therapists and found a few that I like the look of.

Thing is I can't trust anyone, really, it feels. I analyse their pages to see if they're narcissistic or similar to my mum.
I avoid male therapists, fair enough, but I don't even feel I can even trust the women.
I'm terrified of getting my trust broken again.
I guess I just need to be there for myself.
I can terminate any relationships that don't serve me and all that.
This would be quite easy to do with a therapist, anyway.
It's not like breaking off a long term friendship. You're also paying for it.
So yeah. I guess I just need to get on with it, as much as I do not want to, this suffering can't go on like this.
I don't deserve it, either.

I wish I could do something about all of this numbness. I don't want to feel it (the foundation of all addiction).

This started with self harm, that was what I done in my younger years when the pain got too much.
Now I'm avoiding an empty void, only I can't avoid it only cover it. And I don't want to smoke anymore.

I just feel so alone and depressed. I don't feel I have any very good friends. I have some friends and they're nice but I just feel so alone right now. I am quite alone in my life, I am so, so quiet and iscolated a lot of the time.
I live my life in recluse.

This will pass, it always does.
I know that.
It's just not very nice having to sit with it. It's a horrible (lack of) feeling.

[samantha19]

I'm noticing more progress as time goes on.
I believe the Social Anxiety Institute course has been helping me massively. It's unbelievable how much my social anxiety has decreased recently, I wouldn't have believed it possible in this amount of time.
I'm feeling way more confortable with myself, as well as expressing myself more.
For example, I'm on a course the now at work and I've noticed these changes:
I'm speaking out in class without being called on (!),
I'm laughing a lot,
I'm chatting more,
I'm calmer in conversation, I feel more like I have a right to be there and it's not all such a big deal, I'm just more at ease, it's nice (although don't get me wrong, the physical anxiety has manifested in the form of intense nausea, I ain't outta this * storm yet, but it's a lot better).
I'm calmer in silence too. None of that self hate taking over for me being quiet. I can be quiet, so what? Really not a big deal. It's fine (This is more my mind frame now).
I'm expressing myself more. Still not fully, but just chatting more, giving my input more, connecting with people more.
I feel I look people in the eye better than I used to. Little things like that all make a difference.
I said bye to the lecturer today. That sounds small but little things like greetings give me a great deal of issue. So it's good to see I am doing them with more ease.
Cognitively, there is a good difference. I am kinder to myself and way more rational. My brain is less of a distorted * hole, more of a friendly place where a scared thing lives (I am the scared thing, ofc).

I also done a presentation at work, what the *? In front of like 12 people as well. What da heck? I am improving.

During the presentation I froze up twice however, but I think it's a mark of my recovery that instead of remaining frozen until asked to sit down (as happened in high school, lol, fun times) I apologised each time and explained that my head goes blank when I get nervous. This honesty meant that
I wasn't just standing in silence without my team knowing what to do, it meant I was still engaging. My team then helped me out, someone make a joke (in a kind way), and someone else suggested something else to talk about, which got me back on to the subject.
I got quite a lot of praise, for having the best organised presentation so far and giving a lot of new information to people. Even my team lead says he learnt something.
People were also all really nice to me about my being nervous, a few people made effort to try and make me feel better and chat to me about their experiences and how it gets better with time (I'm sitting thinking yeah I bet you don't have c ptsd tho, ha, but it is still valid tbh, and they are only trying to be nice).
So like, I'm glad I went for it anyway, because I was due to run out of that meeting room before I was up, and I could have but I never.
I wrote a poem about how this is "going from victim to survivor" because that's how it felt.
I've spent my whole life hiding, hiding, hiding because of him, and I showed myself - my anxiety, my hard work, my personality, my passion, my voice etc. And the result was good, a lot of people actually seem to like me and they appreciated my talk. I ended up chatting more that day and it gave me a confidence boost. I guess that's what happens when you break out of your survival methods and realise that the world will not react to you like your parents did (I mean 99% of the time).

Another realisation:

Recovery is less about what you can do and more about how you feel. What you can do will evolve naturally as your frame of mind improves.

I feel like I have a shot at a good career again. I know this sounds boastful but I always had a lot of potential. I done well in school without trying for virtually all of my years, I was always creative, working on little projects when I was younger, I can be a bright person and I have always been regarded as intelligent (outside of my abuser(s)), especially in English and writing. I also had a mind for business and programming, making little websites and the like when I was like 9 lol, such a nerd.

I don't mean to boast I just know myself. I know that I had potential. But it got covered up for a long time.

If someone(s) calls you stupid enough times you begin to believe it. If someone(s) reject you and treat you like trash enough times, you learn to hide for your own safety and to protect your emotions, because they've taught you that you're not good enough.

Just as a note if anyone is reading this, I don't believe anyone's worth is in this silly defined idea of intelligence either. It's totally * not. This is just relevant to my journey because I feel something I should have had pride in was attacked and attacked and attacked, and my passions were squandered as a result, my opportunity to be happy, make friends and succeed at certain things diminished,

But not anymore.

I'm so glad. There's been a real shift.

And I'm not even on the anti-depressants anymore (which didn't work for me). These are real cognitive changes, my life is truly evolving and I'm so glad.

I still feel vomity because I'm not used to this talking to people all the time, but I'm quite confident I'll get more used to it with time. I sure hope so, but I don't see why not. It makes sense that my brain will learn I am safe, as I practice socialising more and more.

I still have quite some way to go, but I'm on a journey moving up now and it is bringing me a great increase in joy. Maybe we feel more intensely about our (not so) little accomplishments and changes, where we speak out more and make friends. It's a really beautiful feeling, it really is, feeling like you are coming back into yourself. It's so nice. I am smiling and laughing a lot more. My days are less boring and terrifying.

(I hope I can keep this up - but I will, man, I will, just got to keep going with recovery.)

I still get toxic shame, I still get EF's.
I do feel I believe in them WAY less though and I can get through them more easily too.

I actually feel quite uncomfortable today because I pushed myself continuously, and it brought on toxic shame. The event was adding myself to online group chats at work that I'm supposed to be / entitled to be a part of.
I saw that someone had invited the other members and not me in one, this brought on the toxic shame pretty bad. My ears burned. But... I also then realised that my account wasn't working at first, maybe they were added then (most likely). Maybe I was just forgotten. The person has invited me to the upcoming night out and stuff, I wasn't left out of those e-mails and I was also asked face to face, so I realise it's not rational for me to think oh * I'm being left out, they must hate me yada yada ya toxic shame.
I still feel weird about it though. Because what will other people think. Also, it took me 20 days to add myself lol.
But my brain is being a silly potato and I recognise that. It's not fair to beat myself up like this, I've not done anything wrong.

Phew this has been quite the long entry!

Final notes:

Moving out has helped massively, I do believe. My family home was hectic, constant noise and arguments and drama. Outer environments must affect our inner environment so much. I feel so much calmer, I have time and space to relax, I can sleep at night, etc. Being free from all that negativity is really helping.

I am more repulsed by my dad as time goes on. My mum wants them all to visit soon, like tomorrow, but I don't really want to keep seeing him. I kind of hate him. Idk. It's such a weird "relationship". I mean obviously, he abused me throughout my life. Now he tries to play happy families though, and I just feel disgust over this now. I don't need to pretend to keep my home peaceful anymore because I moved away. But it's complicated, isn't it? Because my mum is an enabler and has gaslighted me about his abuse many times. And other things.
It's just all very complicated.

Okay, that's it for me now. Over and out. 

[samantha19]

The past week has been one of my hardest in a while, but I am feeling more positive again tonight.

I was doing a lot at once, facing a lot of my fears and I lost control of my minds incessant scribbling. It rolled way of the page as my attention to controlling it deviated.

I have been really scared and depressed. I experienced a setback in effects due to this. I was so overwhelmed and I did not feel in control. Suddenly, sending emails terrified me again, all these little things.

I pushed through, somehow. The weekend came and I relaxed, I cried and I began to recover. My dissociative state broke after my big cry, I suddenly feel more in touch with my surroundings, more real.
It's like I wasn't really aware of my home before (it's a new one you see), but now I feel actually in it. Dissociation is weird.
One of my biggest stressors was that I was talking to a boy I had met the weekend before. I was attracted to him, we have similar interested and he was really sweet to me
I struggled to control my mind and keep texting back, the anxiety creeping in, analysing every word before I sent it and finding within them enough flaws to paralyse me from making a move. So I stopped replying. And this self sabotage dropped me down into an even deeper depression. But the anxiety was a little less, I began to eat more again where before I had been slightly starving. This was my life situation from talking to a boy that I was actually interested in.

I still hadn't text back when the weekend arrived, although I did consider it. My friends ended up coming up to visit and we went out and had a really good night. I love my friends. They make me really happy and I feel my new house feels more like a home now it contains such a happy memory, yano?
So I opened up to one of my close friends when I was drunk, and she took my phone and typed out a reply without sending it. I was still terrified though I laughed about it. She was trying really hard to motivate me to just do it, now or never etc. But I was effing * it.
Today I sent the God damn message. I'm not expecting to get a reply or not to get a reply, I'm just glad I took control of my own life here again. It feels... better.
My depression tends to be a result of anxiety and avoidance, so I feel way less depressed now I am not being avoidant.
I'm still a bit sad, but I was sad anyway. I already decided I had screwed it up. This slightly unscrews that and leaves the ball in his court.
I know I cannot completely help my anxiety, it's an old habit that can't be fixed with the snap of my fingers.
I can choose to increase my self love and calmness, work on making cognitive changes and put energy into healing. So that is what I am doing.

Recovery is not easy, but it is worth it. I'm sure I read that somewhere.

It's not easy. You do things that you've been terrified of and it cuts you open, all these raw emotions pouring out, these unhealthy reactions, this leftover trauma. It hurts. But once you are cut open and it seeps out you can choose how you transform it, you can choose how you put the wound back together.

I love myself. I keep telling myself this to counteract the voice that says the opposite. I love myself.

I am healing, it is taking time and effort but I am healing and it is beautiful and this increase in freedom is incredible.

(Since writing this I have tried to sleep but been overwhelmed with anxious analysis and toxic shame. Gosh this * is annoying. I wish I could be someone who just doesn't give a *. I am getting to a more carefree place but it is not easy.
I will try my best to remain positive throughout this situation, nonetheless.)

I just feel like such a weirdo for replying to a text like 5 days later. I made an excuse by saying my phone had been broke. But I literally replied to the previous messages as if no time had passed before explaining this, and my IC is rejoicing that this makes me weird.
It's also rejoicing that the entire situation makes me weird. It's finding fault in the fact I never continued conversation much with adding a question or whatever (but I think this is better because it leaves the ball in their court first). My IC has even imagined for me scenarios where conversations have been had about me and how I am no good, lol.

This really shouldn't be such a big deal, right? Like it isn't.

I'm just so shame based as a person. I hope to install a more positive and self loving base soon.

I am getting there but it is a struggle. I hope I come out the other side feeling alive and well.

Yes, I know that this stuff shouldn't be such a big deal, but everyone here probably also gets how it is for us.

[samantha19]

My inner critic has been really strong recently.
I've started getting looping thoughts that I can't seem to stop. "I hate myself" goes round in a loop when I get bad sometimes. It's a new thing. Also variations of "I want to die".
Yay! New issues!

My toxic shame has been more intense than normal. It's craaazy. It's so extreme, to the point where I'll believe I'm so awful and embarassing I wish I hadn't been born or I could erase my existence entirely.
Then what I'm stressing about gets proven wrong, so and so still likes me and I've not made a complete * of myself. So it falls away, proving I am entirely dependent on the approval of others. Woo!
I honestly think I'm just pushing myself a bit much, still. There's a lot of pressure on me, from others and from myself, to be a certain kind of person. And I can't meet this bar that's in my head, especially when my IC can find fault in anything I do.
It's like ive wrote in my diary before:
If I talk: oh wow ive said too much, Im a weirdo, im a narcissistic freak I need to stop.
If I don't talk: * well this is awkward.

Cannot win!!

I'm gonna get to bed soon cause I am so sleepy. Nearly the weekend so maybe I'll take some time to recover. :-)

[Three Roses]

"If I talk: oh wow ive said too much, Im a weirdo, im a narcissistic freak I need to stop.

If I don't talk: * well this is awkward."

This is SO me!

You might try this for your inner critic: instead of just telling it to stfu, try examining the things its saying and then seeing that it is utterly false. Write yourself new rules. If that's too hard, try putting Groucho Marx glasses on your IC, or changing its voice to Minnie Mouse's.

I'm glad you're here. You were meant to be here. Hang in there.

[samantha19]

Haha, ridiculous, isn't it? Sorry you can relate. At least we can find humour in it I guess...

Thanks for the advice, I will try these. I love the one where you make it into a funny voice 

And thank you. That's so nice of you to say You 100% belong here too and I'm sending you all the good vibes 


Ok so for diary stuff now. I said no to something today, an invitation to go out, because I didn't wanna go out. This was actually really difficult to do!! But I'm glad I did. I can't keep living my life bent to the will of other people, other people who most likely wouldn't even want me to live like that!
I've struggled with not saying no for so many years. I never knew why I was like that before, but now as I reflect on my life growing up I can see why. I remember being shamed for turning down a shopping invitation from my aunt, pretty badly shamed. My descisions were not my own.
This led to some pretty silly life experiences - like being in a four month relationship with someone I wasn't even attracted to because I couldn't say no to meeting up, I couldn't say no to kissing, I couldn't say no to going out. Which was ridiculous !! But like I said I didn't know why I was like this, only that I was, I was a desperate people pleasure but I didn't even quite know why. It was automatic, deeply ingrained.
I still have some of these issues, but I am getting better I think.

I feel a bit liberated just now :-) I made my life my own today. Saying no feels good, which is funny cause I was expecting toxic shame, which held me back from saying it for so long.

Decent people are still going to like you. Only really problematic, angry people are going to get pissed at you for having your own life outside of them. I know this.
There's nothing wrong with politely saying no to something, actually it's a wonderful thing to do. Otherwise, how can we say we are free? We need to own our rights and own our lives. It's not even a big deal at all, it's really not. I'm fully aware of that, it's just a negative brain pattern. It's not logical, the fear, the shame, the desperation to put yourself aside to "please", and I know it.

Besides if we live our lives as people pleasers, we won't feel truly liked, we will feel like the mask is liked. It takes being yourself to enjoy being genuinelly liked by others :-) and that is way more rewarding.

Today I want to do nice things, exercise and be creative and relax. Me things, I just want some me time. And I have a few people I said I'd see this weekend, so I don't want to overload myself with plans. I made the better descision :-)

Mad how much this is over nothing, but good that I'm learning and progressing, lol.

[samantha19]

I wrote a post somewhere else on here about how I question reality and have done throughout my life, likely due to all the gaslighting I experienced and my trauma response type of freeze.
I suddenly realise there are unaddressed things I should be angry about - like the gaslighting. I still don't fully believe myself, I can't... just incase. This is wrong and possibly a case of denial, I know this. 
They * me up and the evidence is not in their favour. Their arguments are so weak it's almost humorous if it wasn't so terrible. Things like "your dad wasn't abusive, you can't trust your memory, because the time he smashed your friends laptop into pieces you thought he kicked you and he never kicked you". I've already posted that here I think but it's a prime example.
I'm good at analysing things, * I was the best at essay writing in my class, yet I can't fully believe in the clear evidence shown when I have analysed my own memories. Because it's my own mum. How could she do that to me? It hurts too much to imagine. What the *?
It's scary because what does it say about her? What does it say for my siblings still at home, to live with them both? There's so many scary things to accept.
Your mum teaches you reality, right? You trust her with all your heart. She's the vessel you see the world with.
What happens when they lie to you? What happens when they tell you your own experiences are wrong and twist them so that you deserve abuse? *.
I don't want to believe it all because if I do how can I stand to be around them? We're still playing happy families.
But how can I leave this repressed? It's not healthy. I need to believe myself where I was hurt so I can believe myself now and be a fully integrated person.
My mum broke my heart. My dads abuse was obvious - it was very easy to say "this is extremely * wrong". But my mums was deep and insidious. Sometimes I think now that this messed me up more. I don't know. I don't want to blame that * less, he was the (most) violent and verbally horrible, sick, nasty, controlling evil one.
But I put my mum on a pedestal. She had so much space to shape my perception of the world, and she abused that entirely. I was so vulnerable and that would really * a person up.
I hate them. This is so sick. I feel like my life has became a psychological horror story, the kind you read about, not the kind you're supposed to experience.
I don't want this life (but I know I'll get over this. I know I am strong. I am healing in other ways and I know that this is part of the process. Things need to be realised so that they can be let out and resolved. Still * hurts though).

[samantha19]

I keep saying "I hate myself". It's become like a mantra in my head.
"I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself".

Reading this thread on Reddit this morning did really help though:

https://m.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2ia3ir/why_do_i_hate_myself_so_much/

Still saying it though. Why do I hate myself so much?

It's obviously not right, I think. I'm not doing anything cruel. The only reason to hate myself is that I think I am a freak and that other people must look at me with wariness or disgust. This could be a projection of my parents and those who bullied me though, right?

I wish I could believe more that other people are my friends. I feel like they must think I'm a total freak though. I hate when I socialise more because it gives room for people to hate me and think I'm a * weirdo. The way I feel is a contradiction: I don't want people to think I'm into them, so worry if that comes across by me talking to them too much or whatever, and I also hate myself for my social anxiety for this makes me withdrawn. I only feel good if I am confident (and even then I can feel like crap). I feel vulnerable to be hated and judged when I am a bit quieter and anxious (although let's be honest I hate myself anyway). This is likely because of all the times people made me ashamed of being quiet. My mum shamed me so badly, and my dad sneered at me about it. Then there were all the "friends" at school who did not understand. Ironically they were all part of the problem.
I wish I had a normal life growing up. I wish I could replace my childhood with something wholesome and happy - take away the little girl who was deeply saddened by the fact that "something bad happens every single day". I feel I was around 7 years old, maybe younger. Who has these depressing, despairing thoughts at like 7 years old? It was something I had confirmed, every day held badness. I'm not sure what exactly it was, I remember attributing it that day to the girl in my street who was bullying me, but I think it shows wider pain and depression.

I don't know what to do with all of this self hatred and resulting depression.
I honestly am starting to believe it. And it's pouring into my mind so heavily. It's weighing me down.
I've lost so much weight, it's actually frightening. I'm nearly 20 and skinny jeans that I owned since age 15 are now very baggy on me. None of my clothes fit me anymore, everything is too big.
I struggle with eating so much. I make excuses like it costs too much / I'll eat more tomorrow. Truth is, I don't find pleasure in eating anymore. I do it occasionally because I have to.

People are seeing more potential in me and more people are being like my friends. I've started getting angry because it's like I want them all to leave me alone. I don't express this anger but it's there. Leave me alone, you'll only be disgusted in me over time, and I don't want that pain.

I don't quite want to do this anymore. I'm so done.

At the same time I want to see that my brain is wrong, but what if it's right? That would really hurt and upset me :-( I like making friends. I don't like it when people hate me. I don't want it to be true.

It shouldn't be true. I'm not that bad, how can I be? I'm struggling to even find reasons for this feeling.

Still I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.

I'd rather not be alive, then nobody can judge me or drag me down.

[samantha19]

Why I hate myself:
I went out for a drink with work people last night and I spoke a lot to certain people which makes me feel like a weirdo for spending most of my night with certain people because they might be like omg I don't like her please go away (although this is unlikely * but yea).
I may have made one unintelligent comment to the bosses.
I also feel I didn't speak enough or about the right stuff at times, because I was nervous and also potentially just boring.
I was physically shaking due to anxiety. Noticed someone looking at my shaking hand so they noticed. Yay I'm officially a freak.
I spoke away to someone I don't usually speak to. This is inconsistent.
I have ended up thinking that one of the guys maybe really doesn't like me and thinks I'm a weirdo.
I've ended up thinking that I wasn't wanted there. What if I wasn't wanted there?
What if people were like oh no, she's here (but why would they be??)

I'm done. My brain is a * * storm.


What if I love myself? What if I just say sod all of this and decide Im good enough, * anyone who thinks otherwise and keep living as me?!

That would be nice. But it terrifies me. But that would sure be nice.

I wanna do that because it seems like the way to having (/maintaining) friends. I would like to be happy in my skin.