Dealing with extreme rage and anxiety (Trigger Warning)

[Madey]

   I suffer from sudden and intense episodes of rage.  I wonder if anyone else deals with this.  For example my  most recent episode went like this.

I came home from work , which is stressful, and noticed I had missed a call. Generally I do not answer the phone even if I hear it, its like I fear what they can do to me . I know doesn't make a lot of sense, but  I used to hide in closets when people knocked on the door so I think I am getting better there.

Back to the story, I saw the number and though I shouldn't be anxious they cant get me so I called .  turned out to be bill collector.  So I paid the bill after looking at my  HSA account which said 245. bal , the doc bill was 196.  Once I made the payment and hung up the phone I realized on the computer screen it said avail balance 54.  I started to panic, this cant be right , I have 60 a week allocated to that account.  I attempted to access the work site.  Failed  , tried to bring it up again and it let me in , but forced me to the University courses, not my benefits.  Then it failed again, and again, I started to panic that the payment was going to default. I tried to get on the mobile site to see what was the issue , on that site I was not able to access  the level I needed to see.

I stated to punch the phone ,every muscle in my body tenses up and the rage builds rapidly , every thing I did from this point on was another trigger making it worse. I got so upset at my behavior and what I had done the shame, guilt, I cried uncontrollably, which upset me further because I cant stop crying or control my emotions.  I called my wife, she said what was wrong, rage I couldn't put to words what was happening to me.  I just said "me I am what's wrong" at this point I had found some Xanax and took 2mg.  My wife came home and just held  me as I rocked and cried on the floor in the kitchen.

My symptoms, anger, fixation on what ever is agitation, intensified if someone tries to advert this need to get it right,  every muscle in my body gets so tight I feel like the only way to let the rage out it to physically do it,  I don't know what to do to stop it.

I have memory issues so the tools the Psy try's to give me are the furthest from thought, or reason during these episodes.  Like mindfully breathing.  ALL that does is cause me to loose control of my emotions and cry  uncontrollably.

I don't know I am just going on and on, I don't have  any friends here, I isolate a lot but like to have friends, being from another state I lost all the long-term friends I had, it has been hard to find someone I can trust.

I just, I don't even know what I am looking for from this, I know people suffer more than me,
when I tell, the very few, someone I have CPTSD their first reaction is o I didn't know you were in the army, makes me feel shameful, I tell them I haven't they look at me like I am stealing a diagnosis designated to vets, and POW's.  This also makes me feel bad, I wanted to go into military, but weighed 300lbs for most my life, lost the wt., last I check 42 was cut off, they changed  it 35 I was now 3 months outside the age.  I swear sometime if their is a God I am their twisted comic relief ,or he wants to see how close he can push me toward the light,  the way things implode, the way I am still victimized thru out my life, enough. when do I get to have a break.  There is no relax in my life, no time to, no joy, I miss that .

Well if you made it this far I want to thank you for taking the enormous amount of time to read my disjointed thoughts, post or reply if you like,

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS, I am so sorry to hear of the time you are having with all of your anger.  You didn't say whether or not you have CPTSD but given you have joined the site I assume you have trauma/abuse/neglect in your background.  That is a good place to start in trying to find out why you are angry and taken over by rage when things mount up.  All the pain from the past tends to well up when we encounter frustrating situations and out comes anger and fear and pain.  So when you work on processing the past, the present generally becomes much calmer.   I see that you do see a psych and would encourage you to talk about your rage and self-abuse with him/her, but please post about what may have led you to these feelings, that's why we're here. 

I hope you are able to find some relief soon 

[jenniejenniebangbang]

Yes, I swear........When I first went no contact on "them", I knew it wasn't going to be so easy, but I just thought of nothing more than how it's going to be so much better, now that I've decided to stand up for myself and move on.

The beginning months, whenever I would hear a car coming down the road, I would be in a panic, 'They're here!' It never was "them". I really don't see them making that much effort any way, when really, they are the wimps. They use flying monkeys to simply ask after us and to call "so and so". Beyond that, nothing more has happened. I guess I'm lucky, but I do know that they could be just waiting for an opportune time to pop up on us, unexpected. They do not like the fact that we leave them without any warning. They want to be the ones to do that!  They must be the first to win everything!

Anyway, when I first went no contact, and searched around for help concerning my situation, hearing the stories that were quite similar to mine, set off triggers, especially the deaths of a couple of loved ones. I also have been dealing with anger, sadness, and depression. I have had a few meltdowns as well.

Still trying to make sense of it all. All I know is, when I do start to feel upset or angry, I tell myself that they're just feelings and thoughts. They can NOT harm you. It's okay to feel them, but I don't have to react to them. Then, I tend to think of better things. This really has begun to help quite a bit. I didn't think it would, since I'm so in my head a lot, but it seems to be helping quite well, especially during the roughest times.