annakoen's journal

[annakoen]

Thanks three roses.
Had an appointment with Psych today... I didn't call him. My excuse was that he was on holiday. Weak, I know
Forgot to mention that my boss is also making comments. I will mail my psych this when I get home. Promise to myself

[annakoen]

Emailed my psychiatrist two weeks ago and last week. Also talked to my therapist. Psychiatrist talked about anxiety disorder and maybe PTSD. My T is encouraging me to push for an official PTSD diagnosis. She offered to call psychiatrist to convince him. She even got a bit worked up over it.

I wrote a letter to the psychiatrist that I want to read to him next appointment, to explain what I'm dealing with to support a PTSD diagnosis

Inner critic is having fun, telling me I am not nearly bad enough for a full blown PTSD diagnosis...but deep down I know I am. I am actually hopeful and a bit fearful as well. I don't dare to imagine what having a diagnosis will be like. For starters, I can then start getting my foot off the eternal gas pedal and stop working full time...

Hopeful.

[annakoen]

Okay, I need to start using this journal again. If only to have a safe space to vent.

I'm moderator on a forum. Today I realized I feel like I'm posting there wayy too often. I worry I'm suffocating people.

On the one hand, I want the right to be as intense as I want to be. But I don't want to be a nuisance to others. I don't want them to feel like I'm watching their every move.

I feel * right now.

PMS doesn't help... 

[annakoen]

I'm doubting whether I should remove my last post altogether. Should I apologize? Or just... Stop posting for a while, starting now.

Don't panic, don't panic... Just stop for a while...

[sanmagic7]

vent away, anna.  you're safe here, and not alone.  big hug.

[annakoen]

Thanks :')

[annakoen]

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I had dinner with my parents and my brother. My dad probably has undiagnosed: TBI, PTSD, narcissistic traits and he's an alcoholic. His behavior definitely constituted child abuse. My brother is probably narcissistic, as a consequence of the neglect and abuse. They're both very difficult people. My mom probably has autism. She is the most upbeat person I know. Which is very difficult in its own way, because due to her austism and her own background, I can't really talk with her about anything. She'll forcefully tell you to be happier. Well-intended, though! Those dinners are tough nights.

The weeks leading up to it were.. well, pretty bad for me. I had a lot of anxiety, sleepless nights and nightmares. And, come to think about it, I'm not sure if the lingering anxiety I have today is still from back then?... It takes me a long time to process emotion.

Anyway... It was actually not a bad evening. It's becoming more and more clear how mentally ill my father is. And, with all the work I've been doing over the past year, I found myself reasonably able to resist his old 'tricks'. At some point he started talking in a way that I've come to see as delusional/paranoid. He'd find fault with something and won't stop going in circles about it. In this case: High school teachers. He'd go on and on about how they suck and their jobs suck and they are * and... And at some point he'll bring up that his mother died when he was young. Which is his default goto. He'll find a way to insert that into the conversation, even if it's a complete tangent. He sounds like Donald Trump a lot, I'm afraid... 

But this time, I just looked away and focused on eating my food. I stopped responding. Basically, I gray rocked that *. And it worked somewhat. I was pretty pleased with myself. I turned to my mother and kinda used the fact that she is oblivious to most social things, and asked her about her work. She'll go of on a happy rant about how she loves her work. It was perfect! Not only that, but she asked me how I was doing. And I really felt a connection with her! That's huge progress 

I'm also having a lot of trouble with my brother. He's resembling my father more and more. The negativity just oozes out of his pores. And it's soo tiring. This week he asked me to meet for a cup of coffee, as he was going on a holiday soon. He was just all negativity. But this time, I didn't try to fix it. Or, at least, not as much as I used to. I tried to turn the conversation around a little, because all that paranoia about people listening in on our conversations and everyone at work being against him, etc etc is just exhausting.

At some point in the conversation, he took a thing I said and turned into an insult at my address. I point blank stared at him and said "*". And kept looking at him. Until he sorta mumbled "nevermind" and continued onto something else.

Two hours in, he said another thing that could be taken for an insult and then, realizing I didn't appreciate it, turned it into a joke. And I turned the conversation towards goodbyes and left.

I just left.

I didn't walk out like a rude person. I just paid for my part of the bill and said "well, I'd better go now" and said my goodbyes. I didn't tell my brother that my husband is out of town, because I didn't feel like hosting my brother's pity-party at our house. I just said goodbyes. It had been two hours of conversation and I'd had my fill. My brother looked quite shocked and bereft, but nothing else happened. That was it.

He texted me a couple of times that day, with angry messages about how his life is *. But I'm done. I'm not his therapist. I spent the better part of my twenties trying to convince him to see someone. He visited a therapist I recommended once or twice, but never stuck with it. I've shown him the way. The rest is up to him. I'm not going to convince him to see a therapist or stick with it. It wouldn't work. It has to be his own choice. I feel his life has to fall apart before he'll do something about it. And maybe that's a good thing. I am not going to prevent him from hitting rock bottom, as harsh as it sounds. He needs a wake up call.

I feel some sadness about this all, too. The past three years I've spend figuring out what's going on with my dad and brother. Only to find out they are bitter, angry and hollow inside.

But I'm happy to find out that I can be in contact with them, somehow, and still preserve myself. I have a long journey to heal, I know it, but I think it's some progress that, when I feel obligated to meet with them, I can do so and find a way to distance myself from them somewhat, at the same time. And I can realize how damaged they are. I can see them for the damaged human beings that they are. And I can now see that. And I realized just now that during the last few visits, I wasn't angry at them for being so damaged. Not all anger has left me, but I'm making some headway.

Now, the work for me is to heal further. To learn to be kinder to myself and others. And more compassionate to myself and others as well. I find that the more I unearth about where my judgmentalness of others comes from (of course, a deep judgmentalness/dislike/disdain of my own flaws is tied in there firmly, but it's taken me a long time to really really realize this), the more compassionate I think I can learn to be.

Courage, compassion, connection.

I've reached out to some friends again recently. I'm afraid not all of my social connections are as good as they used to be. I think I've not only been struggling with an anxiety disorder, but there are some elements of dysthymia in there as well. And I've found out I may have ADHD.... Which explains like 100% of my quirks and intensity! I have six full pages of ADHD symptoms and counting which I've written down in the past two weeks.

In combination with my high IQ (just 3 points shy of gifted) I'm extra-super-duper intense. It explains so much!

I'm going for an evaluation at the end of the month! I just hope they'll have some decent experience and won't think I'm being a smartass by answering all questions with YESSS!!

Long time no post, but it feels good to write this down somewhere.

[annakoen]

I've always been bad at keeping up blogging. But I hope today marks a fresh start.

My therapist has been trying to help me get in touch with my body more. She refers to the emotions as residing in the belly. I've never felt much down there.

But the past week, I've decided to try a more holistic approach to reducing my anxiety. I'm having a lot of anxiety as well as bowel problems. I'm going gluten, dairy and soy free. And later, if needed maybe cut out corn as well. Also I'm taking multi vitamins and bought magnesium, to see if (small doses of) supplements help. I'm gonna try stuff. Just. Try. Try to change something, and see how I feel

I will need to do more to get rid of my anxiety, like meditation and long walks. This has never been clearer to me than today.

I need to make changes in how I treat my HSP body. It needs a lot more care than I cared to admit

[annakoen]

Oh, and I started a food diary. I've been keeping track of what I eat and how I feel since Saturday. Hoping this helps the battle against anxiety

[annakoen]

So far so good. This week 2 anxiety attacks. Foods that may have contributed: milk and soy?

Odd thing is: I ate Yoghurt on Saturday and Sunday and I didn't have anxiety on those days. So why would the two cups of milk on Wednesday have been an issue? Don't know... The again, I had severe anxiety on Monday. Ate soy products on Sunday evening and Monday morning. Could the soy on top of the milk have been the tipping point?

Mailed my gp to ask about diet and supplements. She responded with a referral for blood tests. Tests for anemia, B12, glucose, hemoglobin, and more. The curious thing: having blood taken was totally different from last time. Last time I was a ball of anxiety. Today I was totally calm. Like, unusually so for me.. Haven't eten gluten in 6 days or so and no milk for 2 days. Could this be related???

Part of me hopes they can find something in my blood to explain the anxiety...

[sanmagic7]

hi anna,

the relationship between what we put into our bodies and our emotions/reactions is indeed complex.  i give you all kinds of credit for looking at possible connections, and getting tested to see what else might be going on.  i think it's progress that you're able to begin dealing with your body now, and i wish you all the best.

my d had severe anxiety, and one thing she was told by a nurse was that sugar can exacerbate it.  she went sugar-free for a few years till she had her anxiety more under control, then has weaned herself back on (she missed her 'treats'), but is still careful about the amount she consumes.    so far, so good.

i wonder if the enzymes in the yogurt helped your body regulate the dairy intake.  with these kinds of things, like with meds, it can be experimental.  good for you, tho, for becoming more aware, and i hope your tests give you some useful information.  sending love and hugs to you.

[annakoen]

Hi sanmagic7,

thank you for your message, it means a lot to me.

Thank you on the advice, also. I haven't had any candy for a week. I'll make sure to stay away from refined sugars as well. I can easily do without. Except liquorice, haha. But I'm sure I can find alternatives for that.

Thank you for the suggestion on the yoghurt. The jury's still out, it will be weeks or months of keeping a food log to see if there's a relationship. But I agree, I think it's a good signal that I've reached this point. This is the first time in my entire life that I'm looking closely at what my body likes and dislikes. I've neglected my poor body in many ways... By nearly pushing it into a burnout three times. That I have never looked at food, is part of the pattern...

Result or no result, having the blood taken was not a bad experience at all. And that's a good experience in itself. 

Again, thank you. I appreciate your message

[annakoen]

Wow my body has been trying to send out so many signals all these years. Tinnitus, sore breasts, headaches, ocular migraines, no sense of smell, tiredness,... too many signals to mention. None of these are a daily thing. Some are rare. But it's a long list, nonetheless..

I'm trying to listen.

[annakoen]

Keeping a food journal feels empowering

[annakoen]

I ate some tempeh with a bit of cheese. I was a bit apprehensive (soy and dairy are suspects in my investigation ), but I'm glad I did. I don't want to become fearful of food. So far, 1.5 hours later, no ill effects. A bit of tinnitus, but no anxiety.

Also supplemented with some magnesium this afternoon, because I felt really foggy in my brain. That seemed to have helped a bit? Not sure and nothing definite. I used one third of the supplement dose. (3 tablets a day, I took 1)

I'm rather proud that I'm experimenting without going overboard.