Mother *triggers*

[Sandstone]

Well iv finally realised what iv been dealing with all my life. You are a classic BPD. i never thought i could find all the words to describe what you did and who u are but wow iv found some info that has u down to a tee. There is a God.

Im really angry!
Iv often wondered if u were ever angry with your mum for not protecting you, not sticking up for you. I understand that u felt u couldn't be angry with her she was ur mum and it wasnt acceptable to have those feelings.  So u buried the anger add to that physical abuse from ur dad and loss of a younger brother in ur care then i can understand where your BDP stems from.
But....
Iv made these excuses for you for many years. You'd had a hard life etc. My childhood wasnt particularly easy either but the difference between us is i put my kids first.

You NEVER put me first. When i find myself trying to find excuses for u now, i tell myself that you have had many many opportunities to become a better person. To start over. But every time you chose misery and destruction.  You have always chose the negative path. You have absolutely no morals whatsoever.  Even now its only cos ur ill and unable to get around as much but you would still be the same bitter twisted woman you always were.

Im embarrassed when i think of the states you've been in and the low life things you have done. You didnt deserve kids. You always played the matyr tho didnt you. Taking in other kids and messing them up too. You may look at me and my brother and shake your head, so many head problems tut tut. Well you and dad can take a bow because you are the cause of them!

You can be so cruel (wishing ur husband would have a heart attack and die) nasty, vindictive person iv ever known.

You never cared about how i felt, what i thought as a child. It was always about your dramas, your problems which you would tell me all about in great detail.
As long as i was being a good sensible girl, entertaining when u wanted to show me off to ur drunk crowd, or i was ur amusement when id do something wrong and youd have a good laugh about it and tell all ur friends and family what an idiot i am. As long as i didn't bother u with my problems or worries then i was ok.

You never made sure i was safe growing up, left me alone or with anyone as long as u got to the pub.

Iv lost count of the many 'uncles' i had. And how many times id see u in bed with them.
You used me as a weapon/shield when u were fighting with dad. You didn't once think how it all affected me.

Kids lose their appeal after a certain age dont they mum? Usually when they get a voice and can see things arnt right. Thats when you had my brother and then remarried a guy who you recently confessed that the day before u married him, the police came to visit u apparently because something had gone on with his last gfs daughter aged 15. I was 13.  Anyway still married him. Told me yrs later u was jealous of me and him when we got along. That was ironic cos i  hated the man. Another man who came before me. You used to ignore me when he was home and talk to me when he was at work.
As punishment you put me in a tiny room that just fit my bed and put my baby brother (still in cot) into my big bedroom. I wasnt allowed to play music cos it used too much electric.

You chucked me out when i became rebellious. Wouldn't go to school. I went to live with ur mum, she chucked me out, then my aunty same thing then a school friends mum and chucked out again cos i wouldn't go to school.
Apparently if this happened now my background would be looked into. But at the time i was just an unruly kid.

God knows what my brother put up with growing up but much the same i suspect but id left home long ago. Thing is u let him down too. I  told you the man he was visiting is not good news and the fact a grown man was havin ten yr old boys in his house and giving them lots of money etc. I TOLD YOU!  you said no he seems like a nice man and helped my brother with his homework!   Fast forward 20 yrs and the man is now serving 14yrs in prison for *** offences and my brother is a full blown alcoholic with not much life left if im honest.

I dont like you and my gut has always been right about u and im not  making any more excuses for you. I dont want anything to do with you and i will make that clear in my own time. Unfortunately my bro dotes on u and theres a sick enmeshment with u two so i cant help that.

Id love to say all this to you but you wud start shouting and close the door cos uv never been able to listen to the truth.  I may write it in a letter. You like letters.

You are a liar, cheat and a thief with no moral compass nor conscience.  Fortunately im the opposite and u hate that and call me names because of it. You once called me a s*** because i sat with my legs apart in my own home with my bf and i was 8 months pregnant!

Anyway i could go on and on but the upshot is i trust no one because of you but im determined to heal and get better because i know that will be the best revenge. I am not and will not become you.

[Sandstone]

Iv edited my post. Really sorry i broke guidelines and may have triggered folk. Hope this version is better.