To you, who proved a mistake.

Started by movementforthebetter, October 02, 2016, 08:31:41 AM

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movementforthebetter

I don't know if I will send this to you or not, but I am thinking of you. The work I am doing for myself is so deeply personal that it's hard to be vulnerable to anyone, and yet it makes me need connection more than almost anything to heal. I say almost anything because the piece I think I'm missing is self-connection. My reading has taken me into the neurology of trauma and the neuroscience of child development. I think about you and your son a lot. About how essential it is that he has at least you as safe, calm and attentive throughout his life. I'm sure his mother is a good parent too, but I don't know her. I only know you. And you are doing the right things to ensure he grows up imaginative, adventurous, and secure. And the good news is that science says "good enough is good enough", which makes it clear that you are in fact doing great.

I hope, though, that he grows up to treat his romantic partners better than you do. When you first contacted me, I was suspicious. But I decided to stay curious and see what was up in your world. It turned into a connection I didn't expect and wasn't looking for. I felt it intensely, and thought you did, too. At least, that's what you said to me. To get me into bed. And to keep me on your line until I had enough and stood up for myself.

The last text you sent me hurt so much. I know your son is your priority. I would never expect you to do any different in life and if you did I would be worried and probably lose respect for you.

The request I made of you was for that same respect and equality for myself, nothing more. I wanted to clarify a boundary, something I am really not used to doing and something I put a lot of effort into defining, so that I was asking for a specific, reasonable outcome. Not only did you not respond to it, when you did respond, you chose words that ignored my request and instead stabbed right at my vulnerabilities. As both a former psych nurse and friend, I had expected more compassion and a reasonable response to this effort. Instead, your choice left me feeling hurt and betrayed. The safest thing for me to do was to cut off communication with you completely because I need to focus on my own safety. Your choice demonstrated to me that I am not safe with you, as friends or otherwise.

I don't think you actually care about me. You didn't ask about me much in my life. If you had, you'd know I got the job out here, and I took it. But I was only a mirror to reflect you back to yourself. You used me, and were only there for me up to the limits of your barest convenience. Unfortunately, I thought that meant more than it did.

Why am I even bothering to write you, then? Part of me hopes that maybe one day you will reflect on the way your choices have shaped your relationships with people. How you alienate people, and to what purpose.

Part of me misses you. I don't have such an authentic connection with many people. With my best friend that I hardly talk to anymore, yes. I would say that's it. You showed me that it's possible with others, too, and for that I am grateful. But for the pain, I am sad. You are just another guy who violated my boundaries and turned out to be a disappointment. In that way, you are not unique at all.