Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

Started by alliematt, November 25, 2016, 05:09:03 PM

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DecimalRocket

#270
I find it interesting how our critics can always seem to find a way to be hard on ourselves. When you're in a minority or discriminated group, you believe hated against. When you're in the majority or the privileged, you believe people will envy you or that you're petty. I've had my own experience of that.

Being someone with some amount of gender dysphoria and high functioning autism, along with someone who's in the upper class in the country and a lot smarter than usual. It's a weird combination I'm sure of that. I've had my share of occupational therapy too.

We're never going to find a group that will be perfectly similar to us but we can find one that respects us for who we are. We aren't defined by certain groups. We're a combination of different groups in a way that makes us unique, and I enjoy the combination you give too. I found acceptance not by being in one the exact same way, but in a place where people respect our differences.

I don't know if you have one like that in real life, but we'll be here for that at the very least.

Take care.  :)





Kizzie

Quote from: alliematt on March 30, 2018, 07:22:31 PM
Quote from: Kizzie on March 28, 2018, 11:33:02 PM
What I see in your post Allie is the complete frustration (and in my case deep despair) I feel too about the type of black and white/us vs them/all or nothing thinking that seems to be so prevalent right now. 

To be honest, I also feel deep despair.

I'm so sorry that you do as well Allie, it's tough to deal with I know.  I have totally cut back on watching/reading news and must say it has really helped.  I don't feel like all that is out there in the real world is anger, divisiveness and winning at any cost.  TV, social media and print are just plain saturated with conflict and chaos because it gets ratings/subscriptions. I cannot do that to myself any more, I have to distance myself from all of that if I am to continue to recover and be healthy.  It's just way too much for my trauma sensitive body, heart and mind.   

Are there ways you could step back from some of the chaos, anger and black and white thinking you are encountering, give yourself more calm and quiet space and time each day perhaps?   


alliematt

I have lost count of the number of medical appointments I've recently had.

I had a blood draw for an endocrinologist's appointment.
I had the endocrinologist's appointment the next week; blood sugar OK, weight up, thyroid good, MUST exercise.
I had a follow-up on a skin biopsy (I have eczema) which reads like something I need to respond to with, "Bless you!"  I'm very discouraged because my doc would like for me to get off all meds that won't kill me if I go off them . . . the problem is, if I go off them, *I* might be the one that ends up killing someone!
And, while on the way to the skin doc appointment, I got back-to-back calls about the mammogram I had Tuesday.  When your doc's office and the hospital you had the mammogram had BOTH call you, that will get your attention.
They both said that I have a calcification in the left breast and I get to have additional pictures taken in two weeks.  (I'm assuming that "calcification" is less ominous than "lump in breast".  I would think if it was very serious, they'd say, "Haul yourself in here NOW!")
And child has been home on spring break.  Nuff said about that.  ;) 

alliematt

 Woke up today to MY INTERNET BEING DOWN!!

:pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
:aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

I'm posting this from the library, where I needed to go to download my info for the work I do from home.  It's now (hopefully!)on a flash drive.  I'll upload when I get home.

And watch:  my Internet will be FIXED by that time!!!

:stars: :stars: :stars: :stars:

"It's just another Manic Monday . . ."

Sceal

Wow, that's alot!
All those tests, to end up having to take more tests! I really hope that they find out what they need from the next images!
It's alot to deal with. I hope the best for you Allie.

And it is so infuriating and angering when the internet goes down without warning!
Hoping the rest of your day turns out better

alliematt

Annnd, I ended up going BACK to the library, because the transcription program I use WOULDN'T WORK without Internet!
:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
:aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

But I THINK the Internet is fixed back at the house.

There will be pizza tonight for dinner.

Yum.  :)

sanmagic7

i hear ya, allie, about having so many med. procedures/exams/visits and how horribly draining it is.  gluck.

good luck with your mammo stuff.  i ended up having 2 of those plus 2 ultrasounds because they saw a mass they couldn't identify.  turned out that by the 4th procedure it had disappeared.  i wish the same for you.  still, hated going thru it all.  the whole doc thing makes me crazy.

yum, indeed.  hope you all enjoy the pizza.  sounds great.  love and hugs.

alliematt

We did enjoy the pizza and the Internet is fixed here. :-) 

This is not the first time I've dealt with a breast abnormality.  I had something similar waaaayyy back in 1996 or so and it turned out to be OK.  I'm actually more discouraged about the skin stuff than I am about the breast stuff.

sanmagic7

i've heard that meds can cause eczema, so i get that idea of wanting you off them to see if the skin thing resolves itself.  still, as you say, the meds keep you on  a basically even keel.  a terrible conundrum.  very frustrating.  my best to you with that, sweetie.

love and hugs, allie.  i hope you figure out a way through all that.

alliematt

I don't know who I am anymore or who I'm supposed to be.

I took a long walk to and from the grocery store today to both get necessary groceries and also to get a walk in.

On the way back, I started crying.

It's mostly the old issues.  Who am I?  Who am I supposed to be?  If I disagree with someone, I am automatically the one who has to change.  No one else.  I feel alone, I feel isolated, I don't know what I do believe or what I'm supposed to believe anymore.

Are there really people in this world who have family members that actually CALL them just to say "hello, how are you, I'm thinking about you?"  In the last decade or so of my mother's life, she very rarely did that, and my sister has only done it to update me on my mother's condition when she was alive.  What's wrong with me?  Why do I find it so hard to make friends?  Isn't there anyone where I can just go "hang out" for a while?  And then, if I say that to people and they DO ask me, come hang out, I'll end up wondering if they're just doing it out of pity rather than because they want my company. 

Is there something wrong with me because I can't seem to make friends without being in front of a computer screen?  Or without it being some sort of structured group, like my church, my ladies' study, etc.? 

It's fine to say, be yourself, but "being myself" was what got me into this mess to begin with.  Who I am is just not good enough.

I'm also physically worn out.  Last night I was so tired I was about to cry.  And I ended up getting up early to finish a job I started last night, emailed it, and then told my people I wasn't available for the rest of the day.  And I went back to bed.

Are there really people in the world that sleep a good eight hours and wake up refreshed?  Who don't go around with a cloud over their head all.the.time?  Who don't constantly struggle with depression and bad memories?  Who know exactly what they believe and why they believe it and who are able to influence people?

Because that sure isn't me. 

I'm sorry I can't get well.  I'm sorry I can't change.  I'm expecting everyone to give to me but I'm not giving back to anyone here.

sanmagic7

allie, honey, your very presence here is a gift to us, whether you can see it or not.  you don't have to, but we know it.

i wish i could just do something that would help soothe and comfort you.  all i can do is offer earth mother spirit who will enfold you in her voluminous skirts, embrace you with comfort and care, loving you because of no other reason than you're you.  she understands depression, how it robs us of our 'self' - ness.  it's such a horrible feeling.

may i also say again that you are number one, you are good enough the way you are, you don't need to change if you don't want to, and i have no doubt that the day will eventually come when you will see this as we see you.  sending a hug filled with lightness of being, clarity, and love.

alliematt

Smart decision #1:  Over the weekend, I proofed a nightmarish, 242-page deposition transcript where even the deponent's own attorney got a bit impatient with the deponent.  I chose to eat that elephant in very small bites.  I divided the job into three parts, for three days, and when I ended the number of pages I'd assigned myself, I stopped for the day.  The job got finished yesterday evening.

Smart decision #2:  The crockpot is cooking tonight's dinner.  I'm using the leftover ham bone from Easter to make bean soup.


DecimalRocket

Those are pretty smart decisions.  :cheer: That's some practical ingenuity right there.

Three Roses


alliematt

Yesterday I was exhausted.  Mainly because I did several proofing jobs back to back as well as hauling my son to his Bible study on Tuesday.  I got up early yesterday, finished the last of my proofing, then went to get a blood draw (for cholesterol).  I came back around 9:30 and went to bed. 

I didn't get out of bed until ONE.  And I hadn't had anything to eat. (Blood draw was a fasting blood draw.)

And I still felt tired. 

So last night, after dinner, I went straight to bed, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  I took the iPad and iPhone with me and streamed a couple of reruns of MASH and listened to some old time radio. 

This morning, I get to have a follow-up mammogram.  Fun fun!!