Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

alliematt · May 30, 2018, 05:55:27 PM

:: snarl :: Had an awful day yesterday, probably from recovering from being ill, had awful, near-suicidal thoughts yesterday. I did journal them, which was definitely healthier than acting on them. (Note: I DO NOT HAVE PLANS TO ACT ON THOSE THOUGHTS.)

I feel a bit better today, and while I have plenty to stress over, I have wondered if my hormone levels have anything to do with how I feel. I use a patch twice a week and cream twice a week and I don't know if my estrogen levels are optimum or not. I'm due for a GYN checkup soon and I plan to ask about this.

sanmagic7 · May 30, 2018, 06:35:22 PM

good idea, allie, on checking with the doc on that. those hormones can sure knock us off our game.

i love your 'snarl', loved that you were able to get that out.

glad you're beginning to feel better, tho. that's always a good thing, to my mind. keep taking care of you, ok? love and hugs, sweetie.

alliematt · May 31, 2018, 07:55:48 PM

I feel much better. I took my son to an "adult" doctor for the first time and he did GREAT! (The doc is also my doc, she is a family practitioner and, in fact, took care of my son when he was a baby. We started taking him to a pediatrician when he was a toddler at her suggestion, thinking that that might be a better fit.)

He had a fasting blood draw done and didn't flinch. He was a bit ticklish when she was checking his stomach but that's par for the course for a lot of people.

I have very good reason to be proud of him!

Sceal · May 31, 2018, 08:52:11 PM

Happy to hear the visit to the doc went over expectations!

alliematt · June 11, 2018, 02:31:57 PM

I had been doing reasonably well these last few days. It seems like the stuff I come here to talk/vent about is not so much C-PTSD as it is the everyday frustrations that pile on, one after the other after the other after the other.

The latest? My left hip has started to hurt. My legs don't feel even, even after chiropractic treatment, so last week I went to a podiatrist and asked about a shoe lift. They gave me one. And I think I have screwed up my back even worse. The podiatrist said that my left knee looked like it was bowing inward and that if the shoe lift didn't help, I'd probably need to see an orthopedic surgeon.

So guess what I'm looking for today.

A friend of mine had a hip replacement done recently and I asked her who she saw. She gave me a name and I may be heading there.

It seems like all I'm doing lately is going from one doctor to another for one condition after another. If it's not the hip/knee/back/leg, it's the thyroid, it's the bladder, it's the jaw (I see a TMJ dentist tomorrow), it's the fatigue, it's the depression. Or, it's me taking my son to the naturopath monthly. Or it's me worried about my weight, and right now, I'm just too overwhelmed to count Weight Watchers points. Or, it's me dealing with my son day in, day out.

Today I was kicking myself for being lazy, and then I said to myself, "It's not that I'm lazy so much as I am overwhelmed."

sanmagic7 · June 11, 2018, 08:04:25 PM

o allie, i hope you don't need hip surgery, that it's just some inflammation or something. not that that isn't painful, but the cure is a lot less intrusive. good luck.

i know only too well about running from doc to doc. it can be so wearing. happily, i'm pretty much finished with that. hang tough, sweetie - eventually it will come to an end.

running here and there, having to think about this and that without a break - yeah, i agree with 'overwhelmed' rather than 'lazy' as an assessment of you in such a situation.

i think a lot of those frustrations might be rooted in c-ptsd stuff. such as a lot of your medical issues. i know mine have. the body keeps the score and all that. our bodies have held so much for us for so long, they have to begin to break down after a while. that would make for a c-ptsd origin.

hang tough, allie. we're standing with you on all this. love and hugs.

alliematt · June 14, 2018, 05:12:10 PM

I had a meltdown last night with BFF. So tired. So overwhelmed. And don't have a shovel to dig out from the mess.

sanmagic7 · June 15, 2018, 04:05:41 PM

so very sorry, sweetie. if i could, i'd hand you that shovel. all i can offer are love and hugs, but they're yours.

alliematt · June 21, 2018, 01:52:12 AM

Well, the one bit of good news is that I probably have bursitis in my hip. I have some meds and exercises to do.

alliematt · June 21, 2018, 02:15:07 AM

What is wrong with me???

I am convinced that there are a couple of people in my church's praise team group that don't like me . . . And there's not one shred of objective evidence to prove it. Except that they seem "friendlier" to others than they do to me.

And when I suspect that people don't like me, I start turning into a little puppy that's begging for attention, like going, "Pant, pant, pant, please like me!"

My counselor says it's my right brain trying to protect me from getting hurt because I HAVE in the past had people not like me.

If I scan my journal entries, it just looks like it's the same issues I post, over and over and over again. Where's the improvement? When do I get better? When can I walk into a room and not worry about, do you like me?

And sometimes I hate social media because of all the screaming about current events. This has been a day where I just want to throw up my hands and scream, "The #### with it!!" No one wants to listen and everyone lies.

sanmagic7 · June 21, 2018, 02:27:16 PM

allie, personally i do think you're making progress. if i recall, in the past, you talked about no one liking you. this post says 'a couple people'. that's a big difference. so, to my mind, it's not the same issue, because you've moved ahead with your perspective.

i totally get the idea of wanting everyone to like me, and have felt very uncomfortable when i found out that wasn't the case. your t may be correct that you've got either a coping or survival mechanism going on because of past experience. those are difficult to challenge.

from what i know of you thru this forum, you seem like a likeable person on the whole. may i suggest you just be yourself, go about your business, smile at people - be a welcoming presence if at all possible - and if some people still don't like you, they've got something lacking in them. or maybe they carry the 'snob' gene in their dna. whatever.

one of the hardest lessons i had to learn is that not everyone is going to like me no matter what i do. a bitter pill to swallow. still, there it is. i wish those people would see the beautiful person in you that i see, would get off their high horses, and show some humanity. it seems that the more i get to know about people, the less i understand them. i always thought it would be the other way around.

sending love and a hug filled with acceptance, caring, and kindness.

alliematt · June 21, 2018, 04:16:23 PM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 21, 2018, 02:27:16 PM
allie, personally i do think you're making progress. if i recall, in the past, you talked about no one liking you. this post says 'a couple people'. that's a big difference. so, to my mind, it's not the same issue, because you've moved ahead with your perspective.

i totally get the idea of wanting everyone to like me, and have felt very uncomfortable when i found out that wasn't the case. your t may be correct that you've got either a coping or survival mechanism going on because of past experience. those are difficult to challenge.

from what i know of you thru this forum, you seem like a likeable person on the whole. may i suggest you just be yourself, go about your business, smile at people - be a welcoming presence if at all possible - and if some people still don't like you, they've got something lacking in them. or maybe they carry the 'snob' gene in their dna. whatever.

one of the hardest lessons i had to learn is that not everyone is going to like me no matter what i do. a bitter pill to swallow. still, there it is. i wish those people would see the beautiful person in you that i see, would get off their high horses, and show some humanity. it seems that the more i get to know about people, the less i understand them. i always thought it would be the other way around.

sending love and a hug filled with acceptance, caring, and kindness.

You sound like you had a talk with my counselor about me. :-) I have a very overactive right brain which wants to protect me from being hurt, and that unfortunately has lots of experience with being hurt.

But, I was reminded that 1) I am normal, and 2) it's important to remind my brain that it doesn't have to go to DEFCON 5 if it thinks someone doesn't like me. :-)

So I am feeling much better now. Thank you for the feedback!!

alliematt · June 25, 2018, 11:19:01 AM

One thing I am doing is participating in Camp NaNo, an offshoot of National Novel Writing Month (an event where you're challenged to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be 50,000 words.)

One of the reasons I'm doing this is to ignore current events.

So what's the subject I picked?

Two people trying to help RFK get elected in 1968.

The irony is that I'm ignoring politics . . . by writing about politics.

sanmagic7 · June 25, 2018, 12:58:02 PM

good for you, allie. it sounds like an interesting challenge, one that could certainly be a great distraction from the political scene. the politicos you're writing about are worlds away from what's happening now.

i think i'm going to look into that myself. sounds like it could be fun at the same time putting those brain cells to work. good luck with your endeavor. love and hugs, sweetie.

alliematt · June 26, 2018, 03:57:45 PM

Monday I had another fatigue spell. And the absolute screaming about current events is impossible to ignore.

I looked at a thread on here that talked about being robbed, and . . . YES. I feel robbed. I feel absolutely cheated out of so much. I was bullied, I was spiritually abused, I've had problems with roommates and with my family . . . WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE ALL OF THIS?

I feel robbed of decent, close relationships with people, with my family, I feel robbed of a healthy relationship with God, sometimes I feel totally cheated because I have a kid with autism that ought to be driving, taking girls out, and going to college instead of being holed up with his iPad. I shouldn't have to worry about, what will happen to him when I die.

I shouldn't have to be so anxious about disagreeing with people. I shouldn't have to worry about, do they like me? Will they like me? I worry about making friends and I worry about being liked.

I just feel totally, totally robbed and cheated out of so much. I live in a world where I can't seem to cope a lot of the time, where I react out of fear and probably self-pity. And no one likes self-pity!