Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Three Roses]

 

[alliematt]

Bad day.  I thought I was doing so well but then I've had this downhill slide.

[Three Roses]

*brings you a cup of tea *

[alliematt]

I think your cup of tea helped.  I feel much better today and I'm wonder if this was a drop in hormones. 

A friend at church informed me that I was "grounded" from going back to the hospital. 

[alliematt]

(Warning:  this entry does contain mention of suicidal thoughts, may be triggering)

I'm feeling better today, but I am also rather discouraged with myself. 

Wednesday night/Thursday morning, when I was going to the ER and waiting in the ER, my prayer was, "My story's not over yet.  I don't want to die."

Saturday night, my mood had plunged to the point where I was thinking, "I want to die," and even deciding the day on which I'd do it.  Even then, though, I had enough sense to tell myself that certain people would be horrified if I did do it. 

Saturdays are the evenings in which I use my estrogen cream and change my estrogen patch.  The tube I'm using for the cream is almost empty and I'm trying to squeeze every.last.bit out because that stuff is expensive ($100 copay per tube, fortunately, it lasts a while.)  While I have an applicator that measures how much I put in, when the tube is almost empty, it's hard to get what I need into the applicator.  And I also see the controversy about hormone replacement therapy and how it raises the risk for cancer, and how some people think you shouldn't even do hormone replacement therapy; but apparently, if I DON'T do it, I will wind up in a severe, near-suicidal depression.  So what's my choice?  Die of cancer or die of suicide?

When I woke up yesterday, I felt much better, and church helped.  But to me, it's rather discouraging and demoralizing when I seem to be so dependent on certain chemicals to help me feel better.  And it's scary to think that I could fall so far into a hole to even think about suicide.

I see my doc today for a follow-up and I hope I will get some guidance then. 

[sanmagic7]

good luck with the doc, allie.  i hope you get some questions answered.

i, too, am dependent on certain meds to make my life liveable.  they may be hurting my body elsewhere, but to me, quality of life right now is most important.  there may be a time in the future when i can do something different, and that's when i'll look at my options a bit more closely.  till then, i'm going to take my chances.

sorry you're going thru such a rough patch, sweetie.  it sucks, i know.  sending love and hugs.

[alliematt]

The doc says I have costocondritis, which is inflammation of the cartilage around the breastbone.  Nothing major to worry about.  That is good news.

Today I had my ladies' group, and while I love them dearly, the same problem came up that comes up over and over and over again often when I am in groups just standing around and talking.  Either I can't get a word in edgewise when I want to say something, or I get a few syllables out before I'm interrupted.  And it's not just this group of women.  I've had it happen in other groups of women.  I've had it happen at work.  It doesn't seem to matter who I am with, eventually, it happens.

Today, I tried THREE TIMES to say something.  Each time, I only got a few words out before someone else started talking.  The third time was the worst.  I was starting to say something when across the room, someone said, "Yoo-hoo, this whole conversation is interesting over there, but what we really want to know is, did you make this food here?"

I slipped into the bathroom and screamed under my breath, "I GIVE UP!!"  About the only thing I can give myself credit for is not throwing a tantrum in front of everyone.

When I came out, the woman I had been talking to did take up the conversation we'd been having and I was able to finish what I wanted to say. 

But I just feel like saying, "I give!  I give!  It's impossible for me to talk in a group so I'm just not going to try anymore!"

Add in autism, money worries, health worries, clutter, mess, and everything else . . . maybe that's why I got chest pains last week!!

I give!  It's impossible to figure out who lies, who tells the truth, and how to solve all the problems I have!  I give!!

[Sceal]

Aw dear Allie!
Those social interactions can be so difficult to navigate. And it cuts really deep when you keep being interrupted over and over again.
I'm so sorry that you had to experience this today.
And I want to say it's really great that you tried three times, even when it's so hard. That's alot of strength.

a gentle  , if it is okay?

[alliematt]

I give.  That seems to be the most common sentence in my head these days.

No matter what I think, do, or say, someone is ready to pounce on me to tell me that I'm wrong, and YES, sometimes the "other side" IS powerful enough to blame, shame, and silence.  They are more powerful and have more resources and they can get more people on their side.  People listen to them.  They don't listen to people like me.  I can't even talk in a crowd of relatively friendly people without getting interrupted!

[alliematt]

I'm waving the white flag.  I give.  It's impossible to figure out what the truth is about anything anymore.  I'm exhausted from trying to untangle the lies from the truth.  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

[alliematt]

I feel like I am always the one who is wrong and has to change.  No one else does.  Yesterday I screamed at my best friend.  Fortunately, she can take it. 

Everything just seems wrong.  I feel like all of my foundations have been or are being ripped out from under me and I don't know what to replace them with. 

[Deep Blue]

Hey Allie,
I've been reading and wanting to pop in the last week or so, but didn't have words yet.

I know that feeling, you feel like you are fading into the background and the universe is working against you when you want to speak up.

I'm glad your best friend could take it.  Sometimes we need that little release to take the edge off.  Our balloon can only take so much before it pops.  When it does pop, it tends to be on the ones we care about most.

Good job journaling, did it help to release the tension at all? Take care as best you can.  if they feel ok

[alliematt]

It helps a bit to write and at least try to organize thoughts. 

I know it seems like I'm just full of self-pity and want everyone to feel sorry for me.  I feel like I'm just falling backwards.  I feel powerless.

[Deep Blue]

It doesn't sound like self-pity or that you want anyone to feel sorry for you!

It sounds like you are struggling and just want someone to tell you things get better. 

Honey, you are struggling and things will get better.  That backwards motion will slow and you will find your feet again.

In the mean time Take care of yourself the best you can.

[alliematt]

It doesn't sound like self-pity or that you want anyone to feel sorry for you!

Thanks, Deep Blue.  I've been told at least twice in my life that what I'm dealing with IS self pity and that I just want people to feel sorry for me.  Both of those were many years ago and one of those people was a person who held some power in the church group I was in. 

I'm just not having a very good time of it right now.  It seems like everyone lies and everyone can "prove" that their lies are the truth.  I'm also having a lot of computer frustrations.  And since I work from home, I NEED the computer to work properly.  In fact, I'm typing this on my iPad instead of my computer because the iPad works better.  I took Facebook off of my phone and iPad because on my computer, I have a way I can filter out things I don't want to see on FB.  BUT, FB at times runs SO SLOWLY on my computer that I can barely use it.  So I ended up putting the app back on my phone and turning off notifications . . . BUT, I can't filter out the stuff I don't want to see when I us FB on my phone and iPad.

I told my ladies' group yesterday that the only two places I get face to face contact are through church and Weight Watchers. 

Yesterday and today I felt and feel pathetic.  I feel fat, lazy, frumpy, shabby, tacky and cheap.  I'm ashamed of and embarrassed by my house.  I'm ashamed of the neighborhood I live in and moving is not an option.  I'm ashamed of my lack of wealth.  I'm ashamed of my depression and other mental health struggles.  I'm exhausted from trying to figure out the truths and the lies, and the lies seem to be winning.  People twist everything to their advantage and the bullies ALWAYS win.