Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

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sanmagic7

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #405 on: November 08, 2018, 04:01:06 PM »
allie, i'm with you all the way.  standing right beside you, sweetie.  we'll do what we can to keep our heads above water, make our own little worlds as safe as possible for ourselves and those we care about.  it's something i can influence, have some control over - just me and my life.  i've had to let the rest of it go - too depressing.

please, take care of you as best you can.  i actually used to get in my car and just drive, and it was very freeing and refreshing.  once i drove from the midwest to cowboy country, turned around and drove back, looking at some tourist spots along the way.  i loved every minute of it.  maybe it would be a big help if you could do some kind of trip, big or small, just for yourself.

love and hugs.

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Three Roses

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #406 on: November 08, 2018, 04:33:23 PM »
Some people say they dream (talking about literal dreams here) about flying, about experiencing a rush of freedom from it. Those dreams for me involve driving - always in a weathered old pick up truck down winding country roads, with only a huge dog for company. My idea of heaven.  :cloud9:

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alliematt

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #407 on: November 08, 2018, 06:17:17 PM »
Who am I supposed to be?  I don't know anymore.  To those who say, be yourself, it was exactly THAT that caused me problems.  It's been made very clear to me over the years that who I am is just not acceptable.  I'm a poor athlete.  I'm smart, but it's not in a science profession, or in business.  I'm not necessarily "woke".  I'm not an extrovert.  I fight depression.  Maybe I'm just tolerated rather than actually liked.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #408 on: November 09, 2018, 02:35:39 AM »
i think you hit on one of the most troublesome questions a lot of us face, allie.  who i was is what got me into most of the problems i encountered along the way.  redefining myself was a process, sometimes bumpy, sometimes confusing, sometimes lit up with 'aha' moments.  it's still ongoing.

we were taught to be a certain way.  deciding if that's our true self is a biggie.  i wish i could give you some wisdom with this, i really do.  just holding out a hand for support and to let you know you're not alone.  you are amazing.   love and hugs.

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alliematt

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #409 on: November 10, 2018, 05:13:13 PM »
It's Saturday, I don't feel well physically (sore throat), and I'm trying to get some work done.  My computer may have to go into the shop because the Wi-Fi is just too slow.  My husband and my son keep interrupting me.  My husband is picking up stuff that *I* should be picking up.  And in discussing certain current events, I just told someone (my paraphrase) that every time my side fights, the other side fights harder.  They have more and better resources and public opinion is always on their side.  I've just about resigned myself to the fact that things are never going to get better.  Do you know how demoralizing it is to try and try and try and to never, ever see things change?  (I'm sure this is related to the bullying somehow.  When my sister said to me in 12th grade that "they've been picking on you since grade school", that's when I knew it would never change.  THEY WON.  They ganged up on me, two on one, three on one, etc., and I DID NOT fight back because I was the one who was not supposed to fight back. I still call "bull" on the saying "they only have the power you give them".  THEY are the ones who have ALL the power.  I don't have any way to fight back or stand up for myself!  If I do, I'm only going to be shouted down or shamed.)

I have a load on my plate, as you all so well know, and I just don't think things will ever get better.  I'll struggle with depression, have health problems, take meds, and pay on debt for the rest of my life.  It'll never get paid off and when my husband and I die, our son's estate will have to take care of the debt, which will leave nothing for him.  Then he'll wind up in a state institution with no one to take care of him.  I'm a Christian who's supposed to believe that God will take care of her, but I am really struggling with this at the moment!  There's a voice that says to me, if you don't do your part, don't expect anyone to do it for you.  If you don't advocate for others, don't expect anyone to advocate for you.

And I'm trying to figure out if there's anyone we can spend Thanksgiving with.  It's been just the three of us for so many years, and YES, we've asked around to see if anyone needs a place to go, and YES, in past years we've volunteered at places that feed people, but I'm so tired of being alone at the holidays.  It shouldn't be this hard to find people to spend time with.   I KNOW people usually spend time with family.  I understand that.  (My husband has to work the day after Thanksgiving, otherwise, we'd probably be with family as well.)

And I'm so tired of my son's questions and comments about his programs.  And I can't always understand them or answer them.  And yesterday, I'm not sure, but he might have spit up phlegm in the sink -- and with his communication skills, I don't KNOW how to ask him, "did you spit up in the sink yesterday" in a way that he will understand the question and be able to answer it.  Today I noticed that his nose was a little red and I told him that I was coming down with a cold and was worried that he was sick.  He said, "Huh?" and then said, "No, it's just my allergies," and I don't think he IS allergic to anything.  It just sounds like an answer to give in order to give an answer.  My concern is:  if he's ever ill, will he tell me, and does he have the verbal skills TO tell me?

I feel so guilty and so ashamed for thinking like this.  But the fight has just been beaten out of me.  I'm exhausted in every way it's possible to be exhausted.  There's nothing I can do and nowhere I can go.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #410 on: November 10, 2018, 11:58:25 PM »
allie, our thoughts aren't our actions.  we all think 'stuff' from time to time.  you are overwhelmed and exhausted, stressed to the max.  your mind is crowded with so much that's beyond your control.  please, be gentle with yourself.  that's what you deserve - gentleness and kindness.  sending angel wings to embrace you, keep you protected as you navigate this rough patch you're in.  love and hugs, sweetie.

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alliematt

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Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Reply #411 on: November 12, 2018, 03:19:07 AM »
Stayed home today and tried to get better; I think the rest has helped.  A good friend is also dealing with a crisis involving a family member and all I can really do is listen.