Hope66's Journal

Started by Hope66, December 08, 2016, 09:46:23 PM

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Hope66

I've been reading more books - probably too quickly and too many.  I guess it's my way of trying to 'sort things out' and 'move forwards' - in my enthusiasm to find a positive way forward.  But I am also aware that I am 'rushing' things - trying to make things better by 'educating' myself - when infact what I need to do is slow down and 'feel things' - do some proper work on my past, and look back on childhood memories and 'feel' the emotions that I had repressed from that time. 

Even writing that, I feel as if I'm 'rushing' - like I can't sit still and contemplate. 

Soon I am planning to go to a place that I've avoided - and reconnect with some friends I've not seen for a long time - a few years.  But I've avoided that place because it is where my FOO (family of origin) are - and I am estranged from them, and I am phobic about the potential of bumping into them.  So I'm scared, but at the same time I feel very brave to be contemplating this.

I shouldn't have to avoid a place because of the potential to see people I don't want to see.  I want to re-engage with my friends - and E-mailing or communicating via Facebook isn't the same. 

But at the same time, I feel scared - because I've been protecting myself by being a long way away - and that has felt safe.  But I need to remind myself that I'm an adult woman now - not a small child.  I need to take my inner child by the hand, and tell her that she will be ok, and I will protect her.  I think I can protect her now.

I feel stronger.

I need to start looking more at the past - because the past is pushing itself into my view every day - I can be walking along, and flashbacks are coming to me of situations and I have some feelings associated with those images and thoughts. 

I took notes whilst I was reading and I need to re-read my notes and make sense of them.  I kept getting 'Ah ha' moments as I read - it made so much sense. 

Some of the things I've remembered, I want to write about in here - in another section where I can get people's responses and thoughts, but at the same time I feel like there is a great sense of shame associated with my memories.  But I realise that is an emotion I've internalised, rather than there being any real reason for me to be shamed by what happened. 

Interesting that as I'm writing this, I feel a wave of emotion descending on me - my response is to try to push it aside - but I know it would probably be good to think about why I feel this way, and what has been triggered by the feeling.

I know I need to do some work on this, and I am keen to do it.  But I fear being over-whelmed at the same time.

Anyway, it's helped me to 'talk' here - knowing that it's a safe place.  So thank you - if you are reading this, because I value knowing there are people out there who understand, and I feel sure that is the case in this community.  It's a rare and special place.

Hope   :)

Hope66

Just updating my Recovery Journal today (Sunday 29th January 2017) as I am due to travel tomorrow to see friends and catch up with people I've not seen for a few years!  I have been feeling apprehensive, and also scared on occasions of the potential to bump into people I'm estranged from - but I found that when I posted about my fears in other parts of this great forum, that several people reached out and supported me - and it felt really good to know that people understood and that they also offered me some strategies and ways to cope.  I am going to hopefully bear all those things in mind when I make my trip, and I hope that things will go well and that I'll be able to enjoy it, and keep the anxiety and hypervigilance at bay.

I am also really happy to be able to return to this forum again when I get back.  It's made a real difference to my life knowing there's a supportive community out there - I know I keep saying it, or at least I keep thinking it, but I am happier to be part of this community.  I had felt isolated before, even though I have good support from my partner, I needed to also talk with people who understand what having complex PTSD is about - because it's not easy to explain to other people.

Anyway, I feel reasonably ok today - which is good!   :)

Three Roses

It's intimidating, thinking about bumping into a toxic person and worrying what will happen!

For me, planning what I would do in that situation works pretty well. If they say this, I would say that. Etc. Not worrying about it but planning for it is empowering for me.

Hope66

Thank you Three Roses, your reply means a lot and is very validating - I will certainly keep the helpful strategies in mind, and I am feeling a bit more confident about things - although my mood is wavering and is quite changeable - but overall I'm doing ok.  Thank you!   :)

bring em all in

I wish you the best in your travels!!! Remember, we are with you in spirit :cheer:

Hope66

Hi Bring Em All In,

I am grateful to have your support - thank you!   :)

Wishing you a good week, and hope you sleep better over the week.  :)

Hope  :)

Hope66

Just wanted to update my Recovery Journal today - I actually COPED with a visit back to my previous home - where my FOO currently live - I wanted to re-connect with friends I'd not seen for a few years, and I had felt quite 'phobic' about re-visiting that part of the world, but it was such a good thing to have done - and the fact is I COPED....!!!!  I think that shows I'm doing ok.  I feel braver now. 

Yes, I was hypervigilant, and certain places were scarier - understandably so, but the fact is that I didn't avoid any particular place - comments that others in the forum had made to me prior to going were sooooo helpful - and I felt as if I had them 'behind' me - cheering me on.  It really helped so much.

I did feel some emotions relating to an 'anti-climax' when I returned home - also some feelings that were similar to 'emptiness' - of 'feeling more alone' - but I think that was because I was still grieving in my mind for the wish that things could have been different. 

A bit like 'holiday blues' I guess - returning from a holiday to a more normal routine etc, and feeling that change.

But I am now looking forward to trying to focus more on my self-development, and my creativity - which has been stifled and repressed so far, and which I need to 'let loose' to 'play a little' - and I'm looking forward to finding out 'who I am' - what "I would like" in my life and how I can develop those things and lead an authentic and 'real' life - trying my best to stay in 'real time' rather than focus on past memories, and future 'worries' - but enjoy being in the moment, and actually experiencing whatever emotion comes my way, rather than dissociate from it.

This is my hope.  I will see how it goes.  I am also hoping to go back to the books I read recently, and take things a 'step at a time' and do some of the exercises/suggestions in the books - to see how that goes. 

I feel hopeful this weekend.  :-)  I am pleased that I survived and coped with my trip away, and that I am home again, and able to focus on the week ahead. 

Hope66

Just wanted to write some more in my journal - I feel a bit directionless at the moment.  I know I felt good for coping with returning the places I had avoided for a few years - and I felt braver etc, but I also had quite an anti-climax being back home again, but wonder if that was because of the build-up etc to coping with everything, and then the 'what now' kind of thing.

I had been almost bingeing on self-help books after Christmas - read three books one after the other, and felt like I was devouring them - I posted questions about how to 'work on things' rather than just read about things, and I got some great replies - suggesting engaging my more playful parts of myself - rather than thinking about regarding it was 'work'.

I have entered a poetry competition over the weekend - something I've never done before.  It was fun to write some poetry, and I think it could be therapeutic for me.

****Potential triggers here - if you're reading this****
When I was a child my father burned a whole box of things in a bonfire in the garden, and it turned out that they were the childhood stories I had written, which I was proud of and felt I'd done something worthwhile.  Of course - it was supposedly an accident, but as an adult, I feel as if he violated my creativity - not only with that physical act of burning my stories, but in other ways - he violated me.  He didn't allow me my space to be free and a child - he invaded my space - I feel choked up literally when I think of this.

Also, I would have loved to read my stories back - now as an adult, to see if any themes were there about how I was feeling, what things I was writing about - I feel sure I would have communicated quite a bit that would have been helpful to me now.  I am angry that I am unable to do that - they were mine.  He burned them - in a callous way - although allegedly it was an accident. 

But was it?  Maybe I had written something in the stories that they didn't want anyone to read?  This is the paranoid side of myself, wondering - what were they covering up? 

I've been waiting for a reply from someone I've written to - someone I am hoping will re-connect with me, and whom I upset last year.  I've apologised for my part in the altercation.  My anxiety level has gone up - I've been tempted to over-eat - I tend to comfort eat when I'm stressed.  I realise that I feel vulnerable for making the move to re-engage contact - and wonder how much I feel the need to be in control of that situation.  But of course, I can't be.

I've watched a couple of U-tube videos today about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother - they were helpful and I realise how many great resources there are online - why have I avoided watching them before?  Maybe I just wasn't ready, or maybe I was scared of what I might learn.  But I avidly read - so that can't be the case.  I think it's something about the verbalisation of stuff - i.e. reading means hearing it internally - rather than speaking something out loud.

I did have some therapy a few years back, and found it incredible to speak out loud some things infront of someone else - that was one of the most powerful things, but I haven't been doing that recently - as I am not able to have any therapy at the moment - finances are sufficient and there just isn't anyone available to see who works with complex PTSD - to my knowledge.  I'm in an isolated place in that respect.

Despite what I've written, I do feel I'm making some progress - slowly but surely - and I am hopeful. 

That is so positive, I know that.

Interesting to notice that having written this now, I feel better for it.  Seeing all those emoticons above the window - expressing themselves in various ways - makes me feel like there's a whole audience there who are reacting to things I've said, and weirdly that is making me feel less isolated with this - as well as knowing that people do view the journals too - and that it's a validating and supporting forum.  That all helps. 

I wrote a couple of things whilst watching the U-tube videos today, so want to jot them here:

"Being present and authentic" is helpful.
"What we think and what we feel is not important" (taught by parental experience) - BUT 'what I think and what I feel DOES matter"

I'm feeling proud of the fact that although I've felt like comfort eating, I've not done so.  I've come here and written in my journal, and it feels good to have done that. 

Hope  :)

Three Roses

:cheer:
I don't always answer in journal threads but I wanted to give you credit for making a journal entry instead of comfort eating. Good job, you!

Hope66

Thanks so much Three Roses - I was pleased to have done that too.   :)

Hope66

I've been reading more in the forum this last couple of days, and I find it interesting how I feel having done so - it's like something 'builds up' in my throat - like a pressure, and I feel more emotional - and my head hurts - but not on the left side like it can do, but on the right side.

I'm still feeing a bit 'at sea' in terms of not knowing how best to proceed with my recovery.  I read three books back to back after Christmas, and I felt 'compelled' to read them, and had every good intention to do something with the information - that would be meaningful to me and helpful, but when it comes to it, I haven't done anything. 

I tried the writing with the non-dominant hand and then the dominant hand, and was amazed by the spidery writing that emerged - understandable, but it makes it look childish - and I guess that's understandable, but also represents the fact that I am frozen inside at a much younger age - or that's how it feels.  I realise that's the 'inner child' and I do worry for her. 

Many of the discussions and topics in the forum resonate with me, and I feel like I want to reach out and interact, and sometimes I say something, but I often find myself 'holding back' - probably because I am uncertain of the right thing to express what I'm feeling. 

As I sit here, contemplating what to write, I think I feel 'directionless' and that is concerning for me, as I want to feel I'm going in a direction that is meaningful and which will help me to break free and gain a greater perspective and understanding on things.  My family of origin (FOO) have always kept 'secrets' and made me feel that I can't discuss things openly, and I guess it feels hard to express myself openly in this forum - yet I know that's holding me back.  I make tentative attempts, and compared with how I felt right at the beginning - i.e. when I first set foot in this forum - I am much more comfortable to write - but I need to get over this barrier that is stopping me from making the best use of the forum, and really communicating.

I got some books out of the library on breathing techniques and reducing anxiety, but I felt bored - and took them back again.  I didn't use them, and I feel bad for the fact I took them out and then didn't use them.

I can hear my inner critic telling me that I'm a failure, and that I can't succeed at things, and yet I know that I have succeeded at many things in life - but essentially the things I'd like to do - are the things I'm stalling over, and not making any progress.  The creative parts of my life seem strangled in terms of their ablility to breathe - and yet I think I'd be good at things if I only allowed myself to 'do those things' - is it perfectionism that is holding me back, or fear of failure, or what?  I don't know.  Maybe it's the 'freeze' reaction - suspended in space and unable to move forward. 

Someone in the forum suggested that I 'play' rather than 'work' at things - and so I will think about this more and maybe try to 'play a little' rather than restrict myself in this way.  I was a parentified child - taking a lot on my young shoulders, and sometimes I experience back pain as if I'm carrying a heavy load, and I want to shake that off and feel lighter and happier.

As I'm writing this, I'm trying to write more in a free-flowing kind of way, without censoring myself - but that in itself is a challenge.  Maybe I need to work on self-expression and feeing free to express myself.

This is very upsetting - to acknowledge how stifled I feel.  Restricted.  It's like a prison of mind, but I feel there is hope - and that's why I chose my name - Hope.  I will hold onto that, and I will experience some freedom of expression - I'll work on that this week, and see what happens.  Maybe I've worked out some small sense of direction - so writing this has been helpful afterall.  :-)

Hope  :-)

Hope66

I'm not sure what I'm going to write, but somehow I want to write in my Recovery journal today - and so I'll see what 'comes out' of me.  I think I've been making some progress - because I am able to 'stay' with my emotions/feelings/thoughts more - and feel more 'in the real world' as opposed to dissociating - I've also been using a diary where I've been writing things down, and I even wrote some words to one of my FOO - to express how I felt - although I know that I 'held back' - because I've always been conditioned to repress my own feelings and thoughts - and therefore it feels alien to be doing that.

I have tended to try to look for the good in people, even in the face of the fact that I now realise that my FOO didn't look out for my interests - only their own.  They were the selfish ones.  I was a vulnerable child, trying to make my life and understand things. 

I feel as if my childhood was spent as a person brain-washed and in a Cult - I was told what I like, what I don't like, what to wear, how to feel, how to think - and I was made to keep secrets.  I'm still trying to work out the 'roles' that each of my FOO had - I think my M (Mum) is a narcissist - but what about my D (Dad) - is he a Flying Monkey (I've only just found out what that term means - someone mentioned it in a post I'd done, and I had to look it up) - or is he an Enabler?  Or is he Co-dependent?  I don't know.  I think they were both abusive - and they covered up their abuse by appearing as if there was 'nothing to see here' - moving me around at significant points in my life, so that any friendships I had were broken, and making it hard for me to find any support outside the FOO.

Horrible - and I strove to be 'the good daughter' for SO MANY years - well into my adulthood and beyond, and only in the last decade have I managed to break away.  I feel foolish when I think about it - why did I stay so long in their control - even to the detriment of my emotional and mental health.

I'm hoping to put a list of things in my diary that are meaningful across the ages of my childhood, as I am keen to see if I can fill in gaps in my memory about particular things, and make some links.  That feels important to me.  I'm hoping that my memory will enable me to link things more and make more sense of the whole picture. 

I've written more than I thought I would.  It feels good.  Not sure about the content, but I'm not going to evaluate it too much, just let it 'be'. 

Hope  :)

Hope66

Jotting a few things down to remind me they happened.  Last night I had a horrible dream that my M was pressing my head against the pillow, smothering me, and I yanked my neck to free myself, feeling as if my head was going to split in two - and I felt my tendons/muscles or something 'tear' a bit - and felt horrible pain - had to take painkiller to settle it, and today I am sore, but essentially not too bad.  I was so angry that my M had got into my head so much last night to do that to me in my sleep.  I felt down first thing, but as the day has gone on, I've felt better. 

However, I couldn't find my car in the car-park - not for ages, and when I did find it, it didn't look like my car - a sticker in the window was one I didn't recognise, and somehow my brain saw the car as very old and unkempt and dusty - I'd not realised it before - but in that strange and dissociated state, I saw something clearly - in a weird kind of way.  Makes me feel a little crazy, but I know I'm ok.

I've also noticed that I have written 80 something posts and/or replies in the forum, and I think 'How did I do that?' - almost as if it wasn't me, but I know it was.  This forum has been so supportive.  To think that I felt so hesitant and shy to post anything or to say anything before, and then sometimes I'm wanting to share something, and thinking of the best place in the forum to write about it.  It really does help.  If anyone is reading this, and thinking about whether to post something - I would say - it really does help.  I think so.

I can't think of anything else to say now.  But it was good to have written something.  :-)

Hope66

Just feeling the need to write something here in my journal today - I know it does me good to do that - and I feel extra triggered at the moment as it's going to be Mother's Day in the UK tomorrow, and all week they've been talking about it on various TV programmes, and of course there's the usual E-mail reminders from various businesses etc saying 'It's not too late to send a card' etc etc, and it really annoys me that there are so many reminders of it. 

Even today when I went out with my partner to try and get a cup of coffee somewhere, the cafes and restaurants were full of families meeting up for Mother's Day.  So we decided to have our coffee at home, and that was that. 

But, I have ordered and received a Workbook about Complex PTSD, which has arrived, and it's proving to be useful - although I'm reading it carefully and slowly - as and when I feel able to.  I even tried writing down some feelings and thoughts in a notebook, and that was interesting - I notice tension in the throat area, and also it reminded me of the numerous times when I was a small child that I was gritting my teeth and feeling immense tension in my jaw as a result of that.

I was also reading Blueberry's journal entry today, and she spoke of sarcasm having been something that her family used to suppress emotions, and that made complete sense to me, and I thought of my own FOO and how many of their comments were SO sarcastic and had double meanings, which would have gone over my head as a child, most likely.

I am going to try to cope with M's Day tomorrow, by trying to keep busy and distract my thoughts - but maybe I will spend some focused time on thinking about my relationship and perhaps writing something down - just within the space of half an hour or so, so that any thoughts I do want to express can be focused within that time window.  I am hoping that will allow my thoughts to channel themselves and not burst forth at other times in the day.  That's my hope, that the day will pass in a way that doesn't cause me too much distress or pre-occupation.

I can feel my anxiety levels are heightened at the moment, so I am thinking of ways to channel that angst that is bubbling behind it.  Maybe doing some exercise or just doing lots of cleaning - it really needs a good clean at home, I've been neglecting things!  Yes, that's what I'll do - lots of cleaning and then maybe have some relaxing moments later in the day and contemplate how I'm feeling and maybe it won't be so bad.

I've been dreaming more lately, but I can't remember the content of the dreams!  At least it hasn't felt unpleasant so maybe the content has been ok. 

One thing I've realised is that I've always felt the need to try to protect my FOO and try to see their good sides, to such a degree that the fog obliterated the truth - and I was blind for a long time to the reality of their control and brain-washing.  I am so glad I can see more clearly now, and I've realised that they didn't care about me much at all, it was more about feeding their own needs - sad but true.  That's how it feels to me anyway.

I'm glad to have written something here today. 

Hope  :)

jdcooper

QuoteWhen I was a child my father burned a whole box of things in a bonfire in the garden, and it turned out that they were the childhood stories I had written, which I was proud of and felt I'd done something worthwhile.  Of course - it was supposedly an accident, but as an adult, I feel as if he violated my creativity - not only with that physical act of burning my stories, but in other ways - he violated me.  He didn't allow me my space to be free and a child - he invaded my space - I feel choked up literally when I think of this.

This is heartbreaking! Your stories! Burned! By your father.  How very cruel.  I am so sad this happened to you.  That he didn't allow you to be a child.  I feel the same.  Unfortunately, or fortunately I can't remember much of my abuse.  But I can feel it.  And this is how it feels, like my space was invaded.  You write so well!

QuoteHorrible - and I strove to be 'the good daughter' for SO MANY years - well into my adulthood and beyond, and only in the last decade have I managed to break away.  I feel foolish when I think about it - why did I stay so long in their control - even to the detriment of my emotional and mental health.

Oh how I relate to this.  I thought I was helping my mental health to keep a connection going.  I also feel foolish I stayed so long.  I even ask my husband why he continued to allow myself to be hurt by keeping up the visits.  I was in so much denial, he couldn't even notice how I was being re-traumatized.  Sometimes its subtle, but the old patterns building up for years, even the smallest of comments or slights can hurt us.  We just think - how can I be upset about that - I should be able to let that go.  I am the mature one here.  Its so complex.