Hope66's Journal

Started by Hope66, December 08, 2016, 09:46:23 PM

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Hope67

Thanks so much, Decimal Rocket, you've really helped me with your lovely reply, and I appreciate it very much.   :)  Hug to you  :hug: and what you wrote is something I relate to.    You're so right in saying that needing love and connection is not something wrong.  We are wired to need those things, as human beings.  Makes sense to me.   :)

Journal entry for 17th February 2018
Feeling less like a 'coiled spring' and more 'level-headed' - which feels a much better balance.  Hope I can maintain that.  I'll see what the rest of the weekend brings.  Hoping to read more of my new book soon.  But at the same time, not wanting to trigger myself too much.

I've been experiencing more 'raw feelings' in the middle of the night, which remind me of feelings I had as a small child, and then I've felt as if I'm gaining an 'insight' and the 'key is turning and fitting in the lock' and it 'makes sense' - and then I wake up, and find I've lost the connection, and the memory of the great insight I felt I'd discovered.  It's a bit frustrating.  But I am fascinated by the uncovering of these feelings, and I am not afraid of it.  I am recognising it as being some kind of connection to my inner children, and that they're beginning to wake up and tell me things - and small glimpses of memories are re-surfacing - things I had forgotten about, but then suddenly remember.  I need to write them down, and keep account - to make links and think about and process it.

Pleased with that.  Hope it continues.  It isn't frightening at all - but the rawness of the feeling is 'raw' - if that makes sense.  I recognise it - and it is like a primal feeling.  Difficult to describe. 

I'll stop there.  Not sure I have anything else I can say at this moment.  But pleased to have written something, it always helps me feel a bit better to write things here.

Hope  :)

sanmagic7

very interesting that you're connecting these realizations to your inner child(ren).  the inner child stuff fascinates me.

i have no doubt you'll keep going with this, able to grab onto and keep what you realized.  happy for you.  big hug.

Hope67

Hi Sanmagic,
Thank you so much, I always appreciate your kind words and your hug is much appreciated.   :hug:
:)
Hope  :)

Hope67

Journal Entry for 21st February 2018 (some Trigger warnings here - as mentioning night terrors, a gun,  and mention of CSA)

I have been struggling a bit - from time to time - because more emotions have been coming 'to the surface' and I've been 'feeling them' rather than dissociating from them.  In the main...   Also, I've experienced more night terrors - one which was thinking someone was going to shoot me - weirdly with a roll of dustbin bags wrapped around the barrel of a gun - I woke my partner because I literally sat bolt upright and then 'ducked' to miss the aim of the gun - and I was scared for him too. 

My partner told me that I had had a further night terror incident later in the night - (which I have no memory of) and he made me feel very tearful when he told me that he'd felt 'very sad' for me, as he said he had clearly heard me say "Please don't do that" - and he said my voice had sounded incredibly similar to a child's voice - and he had wondered if I was recalling anything relating to CSA - when he said that, my cheeks flamed red, and I felt a lump of emotion immediately in my throat, and felt he could be right - it resonated with me. 

He said to me 'Have you been 'delving again' ' - meaning I guess researching and reading - and I said 'Yes' - but explained that I really think I'll improve and get better if I learn more and resolve things.  I guess I'm worried for him, as he worries about me - he doesn't like to see me upset, but I can't 'control' my feelings at night - that's when things can happen and I can't contain them.

I'm taking things slowly.

Hope  :)

Blueberry


DecimalRocket


Hope67

Hi Blueberry & Decimal Rocket,
Thank you both for those most welcome hugs -  :hug: :hug: back at you.   :)

Journal Entry for 22nd February 2018

I slept much better last night, with no night terrors - and feel better for it.  My partner had said to me as we were lying in bed at the start of the night "You'll sleep better tonight, you won't have any bad dreams - No bad dreams for you" - and somehow that felt very reassuring to me, and maybe I listened, and my wounded parts/inner children listened too - and slept more soundly.  I don't know, but I am glad of his understanding and also his kind words, and his care and love for me.  I am very lucky.

I am not sure what today holds in store for me, emotion-wise or practically - but I am waking up with some positivity, and I want to hold onto that. 

Hope  :)

DecimalRocket

I guess it's because we tend to dream about the things just before our sleep the most. Well, happy you're feeling better.  :hug:

Hope67

Thanks so much, Decimal Rocket   :hug: to you.   :)

Journal Entry for 24th February 2018

I'm doing ok this weekend - I am grateful for that.  I slept better last night, another quite good night.  No night terrors that I can recall.  I'm noticing more 'past memories' - little fragments - coming back to me.  However, I have managed to 'lose' my book where I had put my 'memory diagrams' - and that worries me - because it contains some really personal stuff, and I would like to know where I put it.  Ironic that I 'lose' my paper version of my memories, just as some of my 'memories' are re-surfacing.  I feel sure that someone would analyse that - if I took it to a therapist...! 

Talking of therapy - I still wonder whether to book any more sessions with the person I saw a few years ago - because she told me I could book when I needed to and could afford to - and I have realised I have sufficient money to spend on maybe 5 sessions - but really I have other things I'd rather spend it on - and want to keep those 'in reserve' - i.e. use them if I absolutely feel I need to.

I am finding the support of this forum to be invaluable, and also my self-help books are therapeutic in addition to that, so maybe that's ok. 

I have been self-reliant my whole life - I feel as if I 'parented' myself - 'supported myself' all through my life.  I have done a lot of reading over the years, as well as a lot of study - both formally and informally - and I've seen that many people in the 'professional spheres' are not always 'reliable' - hence I am mistrustful of them. 

I essentially think I really 'like' people though - and I like to give them the benefit of the doubt.  But regarding my health and well-being, I am cautious - I am cautious in all realms of my life.

I feel as if I'm 'waffling' as I write this. 

Anyway, the thing is that I feel the need to justify the fact that I feel that my reading and my studies so far - plus the support of my partner, and the fact this forum is here - with so many understanding people who I feel really 'get it' - it's great.

I have to go now. 

Hope  :)

sanmagic7

i agree with you hope.  this place is great and has personally given me more than any therapists i've seen in the last 20 years.  if you feel ok with the progress you're making, that's what counts.  love and a big hug.

Three Roses


Sceal

I hope it's okay to offer you a big, big hug.

DecimalRocket

It's interesting how much simple love and support can do wonders. Here's some love for you too, Hope.

Hope67

Hi SanMagic, Three Roses, Sceal & Decimal Rocket,
I've just read what you all wrote, and I felt a surge of positivity and feel so glad to be part of this great forum.  Thank you all.   :grouphug:

Journal Entry on 25th February 2018

I'm not going to write much today, except to say that I feel that it's been a better weekend - I feel a bit stronger and more hopeful going forward into next week. 

Hope  :)

Hope67

#329
Journal Entry on 26th February 2018:

I have had quite a 'triggering' day - it was almost as if things got 'over-whelming' for a while, and I felt like I couldn't cope, but in the end I broke down and cried - and got some emotion out that way, and I also talked to my partner about some of the things going through my head.  He was gentle, concerned and supportive, which is what I needed.  He 'heard me' and that was important to me, and I think he understood too. 

Now I've let that emotion 'out' - I feel less pressure - my head had been hurting - a bit like a 'pressure' on the left-side near the temple and eye-socket, and a bit 'migraine-like' - but I don't think it was a migraine.  Since I cried and talked, it feels less - I feel ok.

I am alone now, and having the place  to myself and being able to write here - that feels good.  Some 'space'. 

Possible Triggers (didn't realise there would be), but Anger seemed to surge up as I was writing this...
I know that this year feels 'difficult' because there are some FOO significant dates and 'occasions' that are coming up - and somehow that is really pressing hard on me.  I guess it's the unresolved 'guilt' and 'fear' and 'obligation' - which could stand for 'FOG' if I put them in that order, but I wrote 'GFO' - which ironically I can now see might stand for 'Get the F**** out' of my life!!! 

I really hate the fact they still impact on me, even though I am no longer in contact.  I want to shake them off.  Get rid of all the 'stuff' they left me with, and the unresolved emotions, feelings and thoughts - that are tied up with memories of them.  Yuk, I don't need that in my life. 

:stars:

It's perplexing on occasion, that's not a strong enough word.  I have been conditioned to be passive, to be obedient, to be meek and unobtrusive, and that's ok in many instances, but I am thankful for a stronger side of me that helped me to break free and 'get away' - because I would have just gone completely downhill and into intense depression if I had stayed in contact. 

I've been getting in touch with some 'raw feelings' from my inner children - beginning to get to know different parts of me - and I'm making some links.  Once I feel a bit clearer about these things, I'll write about it in other parts of the forum - but right now, I'm just 'thinking aloud' and sharing it here in my Journal, so as not to lose the content of my thoughts/mind.

I could see some 'worry/concern' on my partner's face as he spoke to me earlier today - I don't like him to be worried/concerned about me.  I wished I could 'keep myself together' to protect him from seeing my more vulnerable side, but somehow I just couldn't do it, and it was ok - it was better that he saw me like that, it was better than continuing to hide my sensitivity.

I won't write more for now.  But right now, at this moment, I feel ok again. 

Hope  :)