there are too many of them!

Started by sanmagic7, January 09, 2017, 11:11:39 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

sanmagic7

i believe that my c-ptsd was caused by events in my adulthood, beginning with hub#1 telling me he didn't want to be married anymore when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant.  the entire marriage was abusive, don't get me wrong - lying, cheating, drugs, porn, disrespect, etc. - but i think i took the downward swing toward c-ptsd with this statement.

the trauma was exacerbated after i married hub#2, where i was in a state of confusion most of the time, not knowing who he was, what were his likes and dislikes in a day-to-day setting (he always looked to me for direction on what to do, where to go, how to deal with the kids, etc.).   he continually set me up to be the 'bad guy' in our family, making the difficult decisions, how/when to discipline, what they should eat, where they should go to school - it was all on my shoulders.  i knew i was in a downhill slide when i got pregnant, asked him to come to childbirth classes w/ me, and he refused, saying, you've been through this before, you know what to do.  we had been friends since high school, and i thought i was going to have a friend/partner/teammate in our marriage.  it never happened.

he adopted elder daughter, always did things like that so he looked like a really great guy to anyone outside our home.  he went into rages at the slightest mistake he made, but never got mad at me.  in fact, he was frightened of me.   (he admitted this later).  he also cheated on me, but with porn videos, nearly every night we were married, until he said something in therapy, and was diagnosed w/ a sex addiction.  he told me about it, telling me that he had been into auto-eroticism.  while he began going to SA meetings, i was terrified that i'd wake up one morning and find him dead in the living room with his junk hanging out.  i've never mentioned this here before, and my chest is tight.

i was also double-teamed in that elder, who had been diagnosed with any number of mental illnesses, was extremely abusive toward me, testing me when she was very young (if my sister and i were drowning and you could only save one of us, who would you save?  it would be her, right? cuz you love her more).  sophie's choice questions, competition w/ her sister to see who was getting preferential treatment from me.  as she got older, the abuse became public, including her friends in humiliating me, ignoring me when i was at a school function, things like that.  eventually, in high school, while she was self-harming, she lied to her friends and the school counselor, telling them all that i was beating her, giving her black eyes.  soc. services was called on me, and hate spewed out of the eyes of her friends if i happened to be around any of them.

when she was 16, the suicidal gestures began, and my hyper-vigilance was thrown into overdrive, never knowing from one day to the next if we'd get 'the call' that she was dead.  in and out of psych wards, she'd been on so many meds from an early age that i was always checking on her every night when she went to bed to make sure she was still breathing.  she was scheming, cunning, extremely intelligent.  and so hateful toward me, i didn't know which way to turn.  of course, hub#2 took no part in this, never stood up to her about her treatment of me, and was told by one couples therapist that the problems between her and me were between her and me.  i had no help, no support, no compassion.  he admitted later that he'd 'checked out' while all this was going on, just going to work, visiting her when she was in the hospital (what a great dad, right?) and becoming involved in stage productions so he was never home at night, either.  of course, when i confronted him on this, elder told me that i'd made him quit the only thing he loved doing, and how horrible i was for that.   his feeble denials did nothing but fuel the double-teaming dynamic.

and there was therapy going on, with a therapist who i now know held men in higher esteem than women, who made me feel worse about myself the longer i was involved with her instead of the other way around.  this was my first venture into therapy, i believed everything she said (i know now i had very little sense of myself, was newly into recovery from alc. and drugs so was extremely vulnerable, and wanted to please.  she took advantage of that.

in those 8 yrs. of being with her, i was her client, trained to lead her therapy groups (tho i was not a therapist at the time) and became her employee at the same time she made me her best friend.  if these 3 levels of involvement weren't enough, she often put me in double-bind situations, expecting me to act 'correctly' on two, sometimes 3 levels at the same time.  for example, i had gone through her group as a client, had had couples and singles sessions with her as my therapist, and, when i showed an interest in doing what she did, she encouraged me to join a training group so that i could become her employee and lead these same groups i had gone thru.  after a few months, she held a training group for other therapists (i still was not one), and invited me to join in as a refresher course kind of thing.  so, i was a student again at the same time she'd ask me to teach these other therapists what it was like to have gone through the groups as a client. 

other times she'd ask me to spy on therapists who were doing her groups, report to her about how they were coming along, snitch on them if they weren't making the grade, so to speak.  at one point on a group getaway, i was not only her roommate, but her confidante as she talked about the issues of other participants, and when it was over, she raked me over the coals in her office for the issues she noticed with me because i didn't participate fully with the others.  too many more examples to list here.

by the time i finally went back to college to actually become a therapist, i started learning what professional ethics and boundaries were all about.   none of what she'd been doing with me fit under ethical practices or professional boundaries, and i began the painful de-tangling of myself from her.  i was involved with her for 8 yrs.  by the time i'd gotten free, i had to get on meds for anxiety and depression.  it took me 8 more yrs. before i could get up the gumption to report her to the state board.

these four people in my adult life, 3 of whom i believe are narcs, and 3 of whom i believe are misogynists are the main people i see as causing my c-ptsd.  i finally was able to go nc w/ my ex and my daughter in jan., 2015, but only after being re-traumatized by them double-teaming me.  i had my 6th breakdown because of it, and almost didn't get up that time.  the anniversary of that nc caused a massive ef that lasted till aug of last year.  the second anniversary is coming up this month.  i believe i'm better prepared for it this time.   

there is so much more of the same that happened in those 20 yrs.  i finally moved away because i knew i was dying, could feel it happening.  they were killing me.  i've lived here for 15 yrs., and more of the same happened w/ ex and elder, only long distance.  so, 35 yrs. of abuse, chronic stress, tension, traumatization - it's no wonder my body has a difficult time functioning anymore.  but, i've survived the madness.  i have the people on this forum to thank for that in large part.  i couldn't be where i am today without you. 

thanks, kizzie.  this is my story if you want it.  i was able to get it out.  now, to relax.

Contessa

And what a story. Thank you for sharing Sanmagic. Such a tremendous level of experience.

How do you feel with that retelling?

sanmagic7

scared of letting it out, scared of how i might be judged, scared this wouldn't be accepted, scared i'd be berated.  i was scared to come here today.  on some level, tho, i feel like i've let the poison out and i don't ever have to repeat this again.  i'm going to have a funeral for it, put it to rest.  my chest is still tight with tension and the stress of going through it in a real way, in black and white.  it was awful, both the actual experiences and the re-telling.  but, i just started writing and kept going.  actually, the aftermath of re-telling it is what's kicking my butt.  all this fear of the consequences of writing it here is what's the worst. 

thank you for caring, contessa.

Wife#2

 :hug:

In pieces, you've been able to tell parts of this before. To muster up the strength to tell in one place the whole story took serious courage. That you have survived at all is amazing. You are a warrior woman.

Lighting a candle in your name - saying a prayer for peace and bodily recuperation.  :hug:

radical

I feel sad that you felt that you might be judged, discounted or berated, but know the feeling all too well.

I'm so sorry this happened, it's awful, so hard.  it must have been difficult to write it and also to see it.  It is courageous to lay it all out.  I want to validate and honour your suffering and your courage and strength.

:bighug:

sanmagic7

thank you, both of you, wife2 and radical for your lovely, healing thoughts and prayers.  i think it had to come out, finally, so that i could be done with it.  the anxiety afterwards was horrific, even tho every chance i've taken on this forum has only been met with love and caring. 

i read another posting about the difference between being abused as an adult as compared to being abused as a child.  it felt like she was defending my choices, like she had my back, and i loved reading it.  i wrote about it in my journal.  today, i have the strength and adult freedom to get out of abusive relationships, and have done so with no regrets.  during those years, i had parental and societal expectations that i believed i had to live up to.  that therapist even called me a 'runner' at one point in couples therapy, which strengthened my resolve to stay and take it.   she was taking care of my husband, and i had so little voice at the time i just accepted it.

i just want to move forward with healing both mind and body.  but i have a different type of clarity now, almost a different force that's working inside me.   the poison is out, i don't have to carry it around with me anymore.  apparently this change in the forum triggered me to be able to get rid of it, put it someplace where it won't hurt me anymore.  i'm so grateful, kizzie, that you started this.  it was the jumpstart i needed. 

so, forward.  and love all around.  everyone's hugs mean the world to me.


Kizzie

So much to have lived through Sans, but you are here and I for one am glad of that.  :hug:

I hope this Jan is not a difficult time in that it is the anniversary of going NC; rather I hope you are able to feel the freedom and self validation doing so represents.  As you suggest sometimes it isn't really a choice at all, but it still takes a lot of courage to step away and leave major parts of our lives behind, to endure the loss until we are able to see what we have gained.

It sounds to me like in telling your story you are acknowledging all of that and are moving into that place where you can feel some freedom, connection, validation, and maybe even joy.   :thumbup:  Onward!


sanmagic7

thank you, kizzie.  and, yes, after the initial bout of anxiety, i've been able to crawl out of the madness now, and feel relief that it doesn't have to define me anymore.  for awhile i felt i had no choice - i was a product of what had been done to me and i couldn't figure out how to escape that feeling.  after writing this and doing the funeral for it, and for that 'fixer' part of me that was my reason for hanging in these relationships so long, i do feel like my focus is on me in a positive way finally.  i can turn to healing, self-care, and thinking about things other than revenge or justice or getting these people to hear me.  i know that'll never happen, that they'll never understand, and that it would be fruitless to even think about it anymore.

so, i feel much more prepared for this anniversary coming up.  it may be like the anniversary of any loved-one's death, but i'm hoping that it's not going to affect me like last year's did. 

joy?  did you say joy?  the only time i remember feeling joy was at the sight of my elder daughter's first step.  it was quite a feeling.  i can feel warmth, now, in a way i didn't before, so maybe that's a start.  i'm also having some lovely dreams where i do feel happy.  that feels good as well.  this process has been a gritch, for sure, but i'm looking at it over my shoulder now instead of on the horizon.  that feels better all by itself.  i hope i'm not talking out of my butt, and all those bricks will decide to come tumbling down on top of me anyway!!!  we'll see.   

Kizzie

#8
Maybe some :fallingbricks: now and then, but hopefully fewer and fewer, and more and more  :sunny:  days


sanmagic7

thanks, kizzie.  fewer bricks is always welcome.

Contessa


sanmagic7

contessa, can i ask why?  no judgment, just curiosity.  does it ring a bell with you or something?  similar experiences?  you don't have to go into detail, i'm just curious as to why you 'loved' reading this. 

Contessa

Oops sorry Sanmagic, that comment left absolutely no context.

Loved this:

Quotei can feel warmth, now, in a way i didn't before, so maybe that's a start.  i'm also having some lovely dreams where i do feel happy.  that feels good as well.  this process has been a gritch, for sure, but i'm looking at it over my shoulder now instead of on the horizon.  that feels better all by itself.  i hope i'm not talking out of my butt, and all those bricks will decide to come tumbling down on top of me anyway!!!  we'll see.

I hope not to sound idealistic here, yet even though you have stated that you feel no joy, I did sense the positive lift with that paragraph. It may be little, but it is there. And its not only in the right direction, its a direction you deserve to keep on going in.

Yes, the bricks will fall again, but hopefully less often as Kizzie said, and also with less weight.

So that is what I loved. We've all been stuck in a horrible storm, when the long awaited rays of sun start to break through its something to truly to appreciate.
I felt good reading that, forgot where I was, and got up to sieze the day here instead of writing an explanation. My bad!

sanmagic7

no problem, contessa, it just left me a bit confused is all.  thanks for the explanation.

it does feel good to have a little light shining thru for a change.  it's been a long haul.

Contessa

Yeah apologies again, could see the obvious confusion and insensitivity clearly when reading back. Forgot where I was for a moment San.

That light does feel so good doesn't it? Its small, but it is finally some movement away. I'll spare you further metaphors, but here's hoping it stays behind you, even if it is only over the shoulder for now.

I'll admit to feeling the same over the past couple of weeks. You know what I have been dealing with in recent months, so the calm no matter how small is welcome. Thank you for helping me find that, and I am glad you're feeling it  too.