New here and just discovering what's wrong

[foolscapfire]

Hi everyone. My name is Katie. I am new to this community. I have struggled with depression, panic and anxiety and low self esteem/perfectionism my whole life. I am 48 years old and have been on every anti-depressant and on klonopin for years. Nothing has worked. I am currently with a great therapist who has diagnosed me as having CPSTD. I grew up in a violent household and with a narcissistic mother.  We were also very poor. I started drinking alcohol and using substances at 12 years old. I got sober at 34 and have been ever since. I went to college then law school, I have accomplished a lot career wise. I have friends who love me and treat me with care and respect.....but I NEVER feel good enough. I am in a near constant state of anxiety and fear. I focus like a laser on the reactions and comments of others. I am hypervigilant when I leave the house even to go to the grocery store. I put on a mask that I am confident and cool, but inside I feel like I'm going to explode. I have been having health problems including severe pain and acid production in my stomach which I have actually experienced on and off for years, and now lesion on my left kidney. Even when I'm alone in my room with my dog and cat  I can't seem to relax and am constantly thinking about what I "should" be doing that is productive etc... I hate myself and I often wish that I wasn't on the planet. My sister suffers from much of the same stuff.
I know that this post is long, but I'm really suffering and needed to reach out. I am currently jobless, and my money is running out. I am an attorney by trade and actually dread getting a job, even though I have been rigorously putting out resumes, because I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it. My reading comprehension has diminished rapidly and my memory is shot.
I hope that I can get some strength and hope from this community, and also provide strength and hope to this community.
Thank You for reading.

[Blueberry]

  foolscapfire, welcome to the forum!

I can relate to a lot of what you've written, e.g. depression, anxiety, low self-esteem combined with perfectionism. Also addictions, though not alcohol.    for being sober and clean. I still lean on eating, so not addiction-free at all.

I've also had a lot of physical pain to deal with, most of which I'm over with now. I'm wondering about the severe pain and acid in stomach if that could be gastritis (inflammation of stomach lining)? That's the major pain that heralded the start of my breakdown about 18 years ago. It was mainly because of repressed anger at the family I grew up in and projected onto people around me like colleagues, with some reason. They weren't perfect in their behaviour either... The docs diagnosed my gastritis as 'mild' but it took a year for it to disappear. That's long for mild gastritis! So it probably was severe, and misdiagnosed.

There were a number of years when I had next to no reading comp though my job demanded it too. In fact I didn't even have enough energy to read to the end of the line far less understand what I was reading. My memory is still pretty bad, though my reading comp has definitely improved. I haven't worked full-time since I was in my early 30's. And for quite a while what I did was not connected to my profession.

Thoughts about what "I should be doing" - that was a biggie too in my life. Was. Living with CPTSD isn't easy but at least partial healing is possible!  It's great to get to a place where some of your symptoms are reduced. It is possible.

I've got a lot of hope and through this forum, I hope you can feel that too. Just by sharing, which you've done in your first post, you're giving us strength and hope too. 

[mourningdove]

Welcome, foolscapfire! Sorry that you are having such a hard time.

I relate to so much of what you wrote. Hope you find this place as helpful as I do.

[foolscapfire]

Thank You Blueberry and Mourning Dove.
Blueberry, I can so relate to the part about being able to barely read to the end of a line. My profession requires intensive reading as well. I think that I lost my last job because I just couldn't keep up, but they didn't tell me that. I'm so afraid of not being able to work in my profession any longer. It's not that I love it- I actually don't, but it's what I've done for ten years. I'm terrified of being unable to take care of myself financially. I started a job at a firm just last week, and had to leave within two days because the owner was so abusive and yelling all the time and I just couldn't take it. I know that a lot of people have abusive bosses and just deal with it- I have many times before, but I just can't any longer.
The stomach stuff has been happening since I was in my early twenties. When I'm in times of extreme stress, fear and anxiety it will pop up. It feels like there is a fire in my stomach and it hurts so bad. When it's really bad, antacids don't even touch it. My gastroenterologist had blood work, stool work and a CT scan performed and found nothing except this damn lesion on my kidney that I just had an ultrasound on and will see my Nephrologist in a couple of weeks.
What you said about your gastritis sounds very similar. I was diagnosed with a pre-ulcer about 15 years ago after an endoscopy was performed. I was given Prilosec, which was only by prescription at the time, and it wiped it out.
Just trying to relax and "be" with myself is so hard. I'm really glad that I found this community. I'm sorry that you have to endure this too. It helps to know that at least some recovery is possible. I've been reading a lot about CPTSD and it is helpful, but then I have to take a break from it because it just becomes to overwhelming. 
Have a good night Mourning Dove and Blueberry. I wish peace for both of you and everyone on this board.

[Candid]

Hi Katie  and welcome to our forum.

I NEVER feel good enough.

Have you heard of Karyl McBride? She has a book out that could have been specifically written for you, https://psychcentral.com/lib/will-i-ever-be-good-enough-healing-the-daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers/. I highly recommend it.

I am currently jobless, and my money is running out. I am an attorney by trade and actually dread getting a job, even though I have been rigorously putting out resumes, because I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it. My reading comprehension has diminished rapidly and my memory is shot.

Me too, all of that except I was a different kind of professional in an industry killed by the rise of the internet. I'm beginning to think my very real fears of not being able to handle it are putting negative energy into my best efforts. We'll have to cheer each other on.

[sigiriuk]

Hi Katie. Like you, I am also in a super intensive profession, where there are lots of people who havent come from traumatic backgrounds.
It makes me frightened that I will be found out, as an imposter, who doesnt deserve this job, who, based on my background, isn't worthy of a job like this.
I wonder if this rings true for you? Maybe, it makes a contribution to your difficulties with work?
Lots of healing energies beaming towards you
S

[Amon Ra]

Hi everyone. My name is Katie. I am new to this community. I have struggled with depression, panic and anxiety and low self esteem/perfectionism my whole life. I am 48 years old and have been on every anti-depressant and on klonopin for years. Nothing has worked. I am currently with a great therapist who has diagnosed me as having CPSTD. I grew up in a violent household and with a narcissistic mother.  We were also very poor. I started drinking alcohol and using substances at 12 years old. I got sober at 34 and have been ever since. I went to college then law school, I have accomplished a lot career wise. I have friends who love me and treat me with care and respect.....but I NEVER feel good enough. I am in a near constant state of anxiety and fear. I focus like a laser on the reactions and comments of others. I am hypervigilant when I leave the house even to go to the grocery store. I put on a mask that I am confident and cool, but inside I feel like I'm going to explode. I have been having health problems including severe pain and acid production in my stomach which I have actually experienced on and off for years, and now lesion on my left kidney. Even when I'm alone in my room with my dog and cat  I can't seem to relax and am constantly thinking about what I "should" be doing that is productive etc... I hate myself and I often wish that I wasn't on the planet. My sister suffers from much of the same stuff.
I know that this post is long, but I'm really suffering and needed to reach out. I am currently jobless, and my money is running out. I am an attorney by trade and actually dread getting a job, even though I have been rigorously putting out resumes, because I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it. My reading comprehension has diminished rapidly and my memory is shot.
I hope that I can get some strength and hope from this community, and also provide strength and hope to this community.
Thank You for reading.

Hi Katie,
It is almost the same in here ...
although i'm an architect
hence drawings is the main way of communication with ( others ) when it comes to work ...
but i lost speech ...
i just stopped talking since 2 yrs  ...
i believe it began after losing interest in talking or expressing ...
then it developed to losing the ability to talk afterward ...
when i rarly talk to my self while at home  ... it takes time and lots of efforts ...
and always sounds funny ...
so i can't communicate with clients anymore ...
or with others in general ...
let slone the rest of personels involove in the work process ...

in addition, im starting to lose the ability to express as well, even in writting , due lack of concentration i believe.
can't focus on anything now more than a minute long ...

i used to believe that ill get over this ...

i used to tell my self :
get up * it ...
you are better than this ...
you know deep in your heart that you don't deserve this ...

but the words are lost ...and sounds faded away ...
then it stopped ...

Dear Katie
As ( Slim E ) wished you above ...
i do too wish Lots of healing energies beaming towards you...
but in silent mood.