First Post-abandonment depression?

[jdcooper]

I was recently told by my mom that my narcissistic dad emotionally abused me when I was quite young.  He would take his rage out on me and single me out to pick on.  (I looked like him and he was using me as a dumping receptacle for all the things he didn't like in himself) I am one of 3 sisters.  He blatantly favored my younger sister (the golden child).  I always knew my dad treated me differently than my sisters but I thought it started when I was a teenager.  I was rebellious and my mom sent me to live with my dad who simply dropped me off at my grandmothers.  I had completely blocked out any memories of early emotional abuse (amnesia?).  So I always blamed myself (if only I had been a good child).  Now I realize all the acting out I did as a teenager was probably because of his earlier abuse and my moms neglect.  My mom is mentally ill (bipolar) so she could not protect me from his abuse.

My parents divorced when I was 12.  In my later teen years I turned into an overacheiver-I ran marathons went to college and then law school and practiced law for 15 years.  Throughout my adult life I experienced retraumatization again and again.  My dad and sisters started going on annual ski trips and excluded me.  They visited each other quite often.  I would get Christmas newsletters detailing those trips and pictures of them all together on hiking or ski trips.  No one came to my college graduation, law school graduation, to see my new baby; congratulate me on passing the bar or making partner at my law firm.  My dad did not walk me down the aisle at my wedding, I walked alone.  Yet I continued to visit them; mostly to see my grandmother who lived nearby; who was my only source of support.  She was my dads mother; but she never spoke about the way he blatantly favored my younger sister or about the hostility he had towards me.  He resented any of my needs (like cosigning a loan for college or giving me a small loan to get a car when I got out of college). He directly compared me to my sister and said I wasn't outgoing and popular like her.

Then a crisis hit two years ago.  I had my own law practice and absolutely hated it.  I closed it and immediately became quite depressed.  Being a lawyer and having that success propped up my self esteem and made me feel good enough to interact with my family and others.  I began to realize the relationships with my sisters were not healthy relationships.  They were selfish and cruel to me in my adolescence and early adulthood.  They had adopted my dads narcissistic ways of dealing with me.   And I didn't see it.  I rationalized that they were jealous that I went away to college and they stayed home and had to deal with my moms increasingly severe bipolar illness.  I rationalized not being invited on those ski trips because I wasn't as good of a skier.  I told myself I needed to just forgive and forget and forge on.  When I did visit with family-my dad could not carry on more than a two sentence conversation with me but talked for hours to anyone else.  This was painful but I just suppressed it.  He would also blatantly favor the other sister asking her to go for rides in his corvette with him etc.  Why had I allowed myself to continue to be hurt?

It all became crushingly difficult when my grandmother died.  My father told me about the funeral but none of the details.  I wasn't told there would be an opportunity to speak.  This was the only person in my family that cared about me.  My sister ended up speaking at her funeral.  My other sister was a pallbearer.  No one recognized my unique pain even though they know I was the closest to her of the three of us.  I had written a short story about my grandmother when I was in college and it was read at the funeral but I wasn't named as the author.  We were going through her things after the funeral.  My dads girlfriend showed me a quilt and told me I should take it.  My dad came storming into the room and stated no-Renee wants that (the golden child).  I wasn't even allowed to make the choice of a quilt!!!  I was already suffering from depression at the loss of my career and this just tipped me over the edge.

So now I am having emotional flashbacks all the time.  I have severe depression, have tried numerous antidepressants, ect treatment, a partial hospitalization program and therapy.  My therapist thinks I should go no contact with both my sisters and my dad.  I feel like I have lost a family.  All I have is my loving husband and my son (who is thriving in college).  My son was diagnosed with a serious illness (chronic ulcerative colitis)  He also came out as gay.  I fear I won't have grandchildren.  I have no close friends.  I still talk to my mom.  She is somewhat mentally unwell but can be empathetic.  I am in school to start a new career in the medical field and started volunteering at a hospital to get out of the house to help my depression.

I am wondering if I have C-PSTD and if I should bring this up with my therapist.  I have a lot of the characteristics, like perfectionism, blaming, avoidance, flashbacks, hyper-vigilance, toxic shame, low self esteem, trouble sleeping, social isolation, amnesia, difficulty expressing needs, wants and emotions.  Thanks for reading and any feedback.

[Wife#2]

JD, welcome! ** Please consider your privacy and security - If this is your real name, it may be best to have a different 'name' appear with your posts.

I am so sorry that you've been struggling so much! We are not professionals and cannot diagnose, but I'd say that it is very likely you have been suffering with cPTSD. And, can I be honest? Even if it isn't strictly cPTSD or diagnosed, we'd welcome you to join us! Though, what you've described certainly has all the hallmarks of a childhood in the trenches and an adulthood filled with new injuries. For all that, I am so very sorry.

I want to type more, but I'm at work and must get busy.  and welcome!

[Candid]

a childhood in the trenches and an adulthood filled with new injuries

That sums it up, doesn't it?

[jdcooper]

Yes.  Now on to the healing stage.