Alcohol...

[Twinkletoes]

I am just wondering, does anyone here that suffers from CPTSD drink because of it or because of situations you find too hard without it?

I am not an alcoholic by any means, but I wasn't meant to be drinking in January and because of having to have a meal with the family (including my npd mother) I ended up drinking. I felt ashamed of myself when I woke up yesterday and have since questioned why I feel the need to drink around her?

In my opinion she does have a drink problem - she gets very drunk every weekend and stays up all night (literally) with friends and her husband etc but that's another story. I am now questioning do I drink around her because I can't relate to her without drink? Because it makes me less nervous, what?

[sanmagic7]

hey, twinkletoes,

to my mind, it could be either of those reasons, or others.  maybe you want to numb some of the emotions that arise when you're around her, or to be able to bear her behavior.  truly, you're the only one who can answer your question.  i don't think it's uncommon, tho, and i really don't believe you need be ashamed about it.  it's a coping mechanism that allows you to be around her in an acceptable manner (since drinking is involved, no one would look twice at you drinking, too).   that's how we survive - we use the best coping mechanisms we can find for the situation. 

don't be hard on yourself, you didn't do anything wrong.  you're just using what's at hand to get through a neg. situation.   perhaps when you're farther along in recovery, you'll find other ways of coping, ones that aren't as unhealthy for you.  in its time, in your time.  hugs.

[Dee]

I have been diagnosed with alcohol use disorder (in remission).  I still drink, but no one to include my psychiatrist has thought it to be a problem.  This is why I think they feel that way; I use alcohol to cope with CPTSD.  I cannot go out to dinner without having a drink when I arrive.  I need the drink to help control my anxiety and to relax a little so I can enjoy myself.  I don't wake up in the morning looking for alcohol, nor do I drink throughout the day.  My drinking is directly related to symptoms I am experiencing at that time.  I have drank too much and it has led to poor behaviors.  Now, when I go out I order a drink and I order a soda at the same time.  This way I can have my drink to relax and then I cut it off.

I appreciate that I have been honest with my therapy team and no one has beat me up about it; even when it has gone too far.  I think it is because of what sanmagic said, it is a coping mechanism that I have used to survive.  One of my therapy goals is to get to a place where I don't need this anymore.  Until then, we came up with my soda plan.

I hope this helps you understand and maybe be less ashamed.  We feel so much shame that we don't need to beat ourselves up for coping too!

[Twinkletoes]

Thank you both so much for replying.

I feel the same, I do not drink all the time, in the day or anything like that. I am just annoyed that I set out to have a "Dry January" and as soon as I am around her, I feel the need to drink.

I think you are right about numbing off feelings when I am around her and it being easier to deal with her behaviour for sure. You are right. I would like to get to a point where I don't need to drink to be around her.  As you say though, one step at a time.
Thank you both x

[Eyessoblue]

I did drink a lot for about 3 months just to help get me through each day when my cptsd was at it's worst, unfortunately I got to the point where I couldn't stop and found my self unconscious on the floor one morning feeling so ill. This was enough for me to stop and I hardly drink at all now, I am also a huge binge eater and this has taken over from the alcohol, I guess we just all need ways of helping us through bad times, definitely not the way to do it and I hate it but on the same hand it gives me comfort.

[Max]

Before I realized I had cptsd I was drinking wine often, at night only for years.  I could stop at any time, did once in a while, but it helped me to relax and I thought it a better option then getting a prescription.  After realizing I had cptsd from talking to my dr, it was a bad idea.  I take a RX and stopped with the alcohol.  I didn't even realize it was anxiety until I was taking something for it vs alcohol.  Also found the alcohol contributed to my depression.   But there are still times when I'm feeling like I had a bad day I am tempted.  When someone else is drinking around me it can be anything but wine and I'm fine. But if wine is opened I want some.  For me  It is the anxiety which is a symptom I have from Cptsd.

Cptsd is not an easy thing to deal with, so don't be too hard on yourself. 

[Spirals]

Yes! I do (not as much, I tend to binge in cycles), and there were periods of my life where my drinking was very heavy. I also used to drink to get through family holidays. Like sloshed drunk, too. It was bad.

I've used a lot of drugs, but I can honestly say marijuana and alcohol are the main ones I've used over the years to cope with my emotions. Marijuana has been mostly positive, alcohol has had a lot of negatives but I have a tendency to binge on it so I think that is a big factor.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about using it to help you tolerate your mother for one night. I think the harm comes if you binge on it or regularly drink heavily. Too bad about Dry January, breaking a resolution would bother me, too.

[Twinkletoes]

That's exactly it, it isn't that I drank for one night - its more the fact I broke my Dry January and also the fact that I feel shallow because I know I drank for her benefit (as in, she would like that much more than me not drinking) AND I guess knowing I struggle for any connection, superficial or otherwise with her without it.  I just feel weak I guess.

[Dee]

Not weak, human.  I'm not a fan of resolutions.  They set you up to fail and lead to negative feelings.  Absolutes are black and white and life isn't that way.  Goals are better, without absolutes.  Like -  my goal is to do this.....if I make a mistake (human, mistakes happen) I am then going to do this...  It doesn't make me a bad person, I just need to regroup and move on.

The problem is your inner critic and you should tell it to be quiet.  I really mean that, you can even say it out loud. 

"Ms. Perfectionism, I am not weak, I made a mistake and I am moving on, BE QUIET!!"

[sanmagic7]

love what you said, dee.  that's great!

i echo what everyone else says - a mistake is part of being human.  that doesn't make you shallow.  c-ptsd stuff has nothing shallow about it.  you did what you had to do at the time.  that's not weakness, but part of your survival mechanism kicking in, to my mind.  eventually, as you keep working on this stuff, things will change for you.  what seemed important at one time may not be that important in the future.  be patient with yourself.  you'll get there.

[Rebel62]

An interesting topic with a lot of interesting input.

I've used a combination of disassociation(?), pot and alcohol throughout my life as a coping mechanism. Disassociation as a child, pot and alcohol as a teen, alcohol only as a young adult and throughout my time in the military, and then once I suspected I was pregnant with my daughter (she's 18 now) I stopped drinking and started using disassociation (can you call it disassociation when you can "call it up" and make it happen?). In the past 19 years (up until 2 weeks ago), I've probably had 12 beer/wine/wine coolers total. I just basically had no interest in it. Disassociation(?) worked for me up until my daughter's suicide attempts.

Due to recent increased stress at work and stress related to my daughters struggles (emotional, financial, worry, ect) I have started drinking on the weekend. I'm not drinking a lot; just 3 wine coolers last weekend, one last night, and I plan on drinking more tonight. It seems to take the edge off and I'm going to just go with it until I can afford to go back to my counselor again. My daughter's medical expenses are running about $1500 a month and my insurance doesn't pay anything until I've paid out $3500 so I want to make sure I can cover her expenses first. It won't take long to hit the $3500 mark. Once I can get back into counseling I might stop, or as long as I don't do anything stupid, there's nothing wrong with having a couple drinks on the weekend. It's just very different for me.

[Spirals]

Hi Rebel62,

I really relate. My trajectory followed a similar path of dissociation>self-harm>marijuana>alcohol. And I still sometimes use alcohol to take the edge off certain emotions or relax.

That's interesting you mentioned calling up dissociation. I do something similar but I can't undo it so I don't like to voluntarily trigger it. I can also squash a crush from developing if I notice it before it hits a certain threshold (I have to catch it in like the first week), but again it can't be undone 

I think an addiction can develop if a person doesn't have a lot of social support or outlets to relieve stress, especially after a trauma. So I'd be mindful of warning signs with the stress you are under that the drinking is developing its own momentum, if that makes sense.

I'm sorry you have a lot of stressful stuff going on in your life right now. Hopefully it will get better soon.
Here is a big electronic hug until then 

[Rebel62]

Thanks for the response Spirals. I can actually turn dissociation off too, when I have to. Unfortunately, while it used to help me relieve stress by "turning it off", it no longer works. I have less control of it now. It sometimes turns on by itself now and it no longer helps relieve the stress. It actually turns into an anxiety attack/Emotional Flashback  now. I can still pull myself out of it when I have to. It was really bad in December, then things started settling down a bit. The stress at work right now is causing worsening anxiety and flashbacks though, so I decided to try alcohol. I have no desire to get drunk, I just want to take the edge off. I actually feel guilty about it.

Yes -- I totally understand where you are coming from with the alcohol addiction. Back in the days when I did a lot of drinking I was concerned that I might be becoming an alcoholic, but when I decided it was time to quit I had no problem doing it. I am going to watch that though. That's the last thing I need right now.

My biggest concern about counseling is making sure who I am working with is familiar with C-PTSD. Hopefully, I can either verify the my current therapist (who I can't afford to go to right now), can fill that spot, or find someone who can.

Hugs back to you!

[Spirals]

Hi, Rebel62

Thank you for the hug  Yes, over time, I seemed to go deeper and deeper into trancelike states. And I also started to have social numbness. It seemed like my dissociative states got more problematic the more they turned into automatic responses.

That really sucks you are having more anxiety and flashbacks. I think its important to relax and decompress regularly; I seem to have more if I dont have some kind of relaxation regimen going on. I'm not sure about the guilt. On the one hand negative emotions often fuel addictions and such, but your guilt could prevent you from escalating your drinking if your stress escalates.

I like to make mixed drinks, though. Or try different wines, etc. I think making drinking aesthetically pleasing and creative helps relieve some of the stress as much as the alcohol itself. Although I can see how ready to go drinks can have a nice appeal, too.

I wish I had something helpful to say about the therapist issue, but I really don't have a lot of personal experience with therapy. I wonder if your therapist would maybe be willing to work with you on a sliding scale temporarily? I thought some therapists did that 

[Rebel62]

I'm not sure if she does or not. Probably by the time I get a chance to get back to see her the initial $3500 will be met anyway and then I only pay 20%. I'm tend to procrastinate about these things too. I hate it when I have a lot of personal things that have to be handled. I get totally overwhelmed and that leads to me getting nothing done sometimes.