hypervigilence and false red flags

Started by joyful, February 06, 2017, 04:02:50 PM

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joyful

Hi everyone
I doubt I'm the only one here with big time trust issues...I can't seem to find any words right now but does anyone have advice on letting yourself trust? I know I am not obligated to trust anyone, but I'm tired of not trusting people that I *should* and seeing red flags EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for reading

Hope66

Hi Joyful,

I do relate to this, as I am often hypervigilant and I do struggle to trust people sometimes.  A way I have found that has worked for me is to 'test out' a relationship by cautiously sharing something that matters to me, but which it wouldn't be the end of the world if that confidence wasn't kept - and that way I can see what happens, and then decide whether to trust that person further or withdraw my trust.  Hope this makes sense.

I really hope that you find something that will help you.

Hope  :)

bring em all in

Joyful- At this time the only person I trust is my therapist. It feels very lonely being that way. I wish I had advice for you but I don't.

rosemarie

#3
HI joyful,

I'm really struggling with this too right now.  I kind of feel like when I let my guard down and question whether or not the red flags are real though, another person with NPD has just come waltzing right on in. Also, once I start to distrust my intuition it seems like it's all downhill from there, then i'm doing it all the time. I think now that if something doesn't feel right, it's probably not and learning to trust MYSELF about this is something I'm really focusing on. It has helped me sort out who is really there for me. I often wonder if in surviving trauma we all just learned to read subtle red flags and cues that most people miss because they haven't had to survive what we did. You don't have to trust anybody who makes you uncomfortable in any way, in fact if something doesn't feel right there is probably some kind of boundary violation going on anyways. My therapist taught me this is the first clue, the icky feeling that we have so often learned to ignore. I think when we survive trauma we are trained to not trust ourselves to allow the perpetrators to continue taking advantage. I just want to affirm that I trust your intuition. In my experience, if I can't truly trust someone there is a reason for it, even if they don't have malicious or abusive intentions.

Still, it can be hard to discern what is real sometimes, especially if you've been gaslighted by abusive people, and it's very isolating and stressful to feel like you can't trust the world around  you. I like hope's suggestion about building trust through testing it over time. That seems like a great idea.

sanmagic7

i loved hope's suggestion, and have learned it is, indeed, the way to go.

i had the opposite problem - i trusted everyone, had no clue that people might hurt me.  now that i've discovered they have and will, i've had to back myself way up in order to be careful, watch for signs, trust my gut first and foremost, and tread lightly.  i've had this trust issue backfire on me in all kinds of relationships (including marriages, kids, therapists, friends) and it's only lately that i'm beginning to 'get it'.

best to you with this - it's a biggie!

Contessa

There are some good ideas here.

I'm thinking that building trust is bigger than just sharing something personal. I think that someone should prove to be trustworthy already to some degree before sharing very personal information.

We all know the saying "actions speak louder than words", perhaps start with an action to build up to words. Maybe do them a favour, extend some small kindness that does not put you out in any way, and does not really warrant a return. Then see how they respond. Are they grateful? Appreciative? Do they return the favour in kind?

What if you ask them a small favour, one that they really shouldn't be put out for. How do they respond to the request? What tone do they take? Do they follow through? With or without fuss?

Their behaviour and reliability in these minor settings should be a key indicator, I believe, on how they would respond to shared personal info. And then i'd go ahead with Hope's idea.

joyful

Wow thank you everyone!
All of your posts kinda made me realize that the person I need to trust the most is MYSELF. It feels really obvious now...It's almost like I'm taking out my lack of trust for myself on trustworthy people. If that makes sense. Like there are some people that I have reasons to not trust and I don't have to feel guilty for not trusting them. I just have to trust myself and honor my gut feelings. I guess if I don't feel safe even with a safe person I should be able to talk to them about it, and if they really are safe they'll do what they can to help me.
Kind of a ramble, but there was a lot of insights for me.
Thanks again everyone!

Contessa

Not a ramble at all! And it does make sense :)