Sexual Struggles with Nonsexual Abuse

[dandeliondrifter]

I'm new to this site, but am hoping to find some support and answers. I don't have an official C-PTSD diagnosis, but I grew up in a home with a borderline mother, and experienced extensive verbal/emotional abuse, as well as a little physical.

I have always avoided dealing with my issues (depression, anxiety, etc.), but recently have started therapy (again) and am getting close to working on some hard stuff. As I've been processing, I have realized that there's probably a good chance my struggles with sex, sexual desire, and reaching climax, could be related to unresolved trauma and guilt and shame placed on me growing up by my mother and church. I have been married for four years, and have only climaxed once or twice. I've been with the same partner basically my whole life, and I've never experienced any sexual abuse.

Is this normal at all? Is there anyone else out there who has or is dealing with anything similar? What have you done to help yourself or your relationship? 

[sanmagic7]

hi dandeliondrifter, and welcome.  glad you made it here.

i, too, don't have a formal c-ptsd diagnosis, but the symptoms are there, so i'm going with it. 

as far as 'is it normal?'  i think this c-ptsd beast can take over any aspect of our lives and relationships.  especially if you're just beginning to explore the inner workings of the traumas you've experienced, you'll probably discover a lot of connections underlying any relationship problems you might be having. 

best to you with getting into it in therapy.  we're here for you.  take care of you.

[Three Roses]

Hey there, dandeliondrifter, thanks for joining!

As far as what's normal, I think we can each have unique symptoms of Cptsd from our backgrounds.

Have you spoken with a doctor about your concerns? I think I'd want to rule out any physical source first.

And just to be sure you know this, sexual abuse has a broader definition than just physical contact. For example, I think being shamed for a normal, natural urge is abuse.

[rosemarie]

Hey there! Welcome.

A thought came up for me as I've been reading this book aptly called "Vagina" by Naomi Wolf about all the new research on women's sexuality and trauma. Maybe you are not a woman and this doesn't apply to you but I'll just make a leap and assume (sorry if I'm wrong, pls ignore this haha, I'm not always sure on this site cause user names are not necessarily that telling).

There could be a lot of reasons behind this that are covered super in depth in this book and well researched. It could be medical (such as related to nerve damage), it could be psychological-CPTSD related-as sexual shaming can have a traumatic affect on the vagina-brain connection similar to physical abuse, and so can depression and anxiety in general affect it, and also, it could be that your (ahem) partner (ahem) just isn't doing it right for you (not necessarily intentionally). I do think our go-to as survivors of trauma and a society not super concerned with women's pleasure can be to just assume it's us. What she also discusses at length is how women are each uniquely wired to climax, that we all have different needs. And also, the way society projects what and how a woman needs to sexually climax is pretty off base from what most actually need, and most of us haven't been taught about this at all, and this fact is now well documented by and understood with current research. Anyways I hope this is helpful, I'm finding the book extremely helpful. It helped me take a lot of blame off myself and understand myself better. It's very objective and research-based and it makes a heck of a lot of sense. Most of the book is not devoted to sexual trauma, but instead to how women are sexually wired in general and how to find this for yourself. Good luck!

[89abc123]

Wow I've been thinking about this a lot recently!

I was not sexually abused but have struggles with intimacy and cannot orgasm.

Mine is a deep seated shame over my whole being. I need to see a sex therapist but I'm so embarrassed.

Rosemarie I found your reply so helpful! Thanks

[Wife#2]

Dandiliondrifter, you are not alone. I am also not formally diagnosed. I have been in therapy many times, though not since getting married over a dozen years ago.

When I met my now husband, I told him that I had this difficulty. I told him so he wouldn't take it personally. We've tried lots of ways to increase my pleasure to maybe increase my chances of orgasm. I've seen doctors and asked questions. I was in therapy for relationship concerns when I met my husband.

I feel like I've tried everything, but still feel cold and dead inside - when it comes to sexual matters. I do want to read that book Rosemarie suggests. At worst, we'll finish the book with a better understanding of our bodies, our emotions and the links between them!

[shoshannah]

I hear you...

I have a neglectful dad and my older sister has borderline personality disorder...

I dissociate during sex sometimes and it's hard for me to snap out of it when that happens.

I rarely climax during sex but I just keep trying different things till I do.

Don't give up

Xx

[Candid]

I think being shamed for a normal, natural urge is abuse.

I agree. My mother was big on shaming me, including making a big drama to embarrass me when I had my first period, and acting on her fury at things she read in my diary while I was at school. I've always been emotionally uncomfortable with sex, and now I'm older I'm physically uncomfortable with it as well. It's an oooh-yuck thing for me.