"Just go hit them" *Possible Triggers*

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Phoebes

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"Just go hit them" *Possible Triggers*
« on: February 12, 2017, 05:07:01 PM »
I've been remembering something I never thought much about before I have realized the big picture.

Well, firstly, I was one who was physically abused by my mother. I tend to remember a few of the majorly traumatizing events. And it was never simply physical, but there was always psychological abuse going on at the same time in these episodes. Like going ballistic whipping me but saying she was going to keep whipping me until I stopped crying or making noise, or trying to block it with my hand.

I have been remembering some other aspects of the physical abuse lately though and realizing it really was quite the crazy-making style of abuse. For one, when we were in the presence of others, depending on who it was, she could be known to occasionally pop my rear end, or my hand, as a young child. I could not make a move without it being wrong, and rather than her just say what she wanted, the "taught" me by these little pops and smacks. So close family members and friends tended to see that my mom was the type who spanks. in those days it was a parent's right to "spank."

Well, but in PRIVATE is when she would flip her * for no reason. A perceived facial expression, a false accusation of eating a snack, anything. And occasionally around her sister/my cousins, which were some of the most damaging times. She could be very sadistic, and then talk about it for hours: "the important thing is she knows I am the one in control!!!" She said this again right before I went NC. This is still on her mind, even now?

The other thing I have been remembering lately is that she would take great pride, and repeatedly tell these stories, about how she taught me to defend myself by saying, when I would come tell as a young child, expecting to be protected by my mother, that another child was hitting me, or bullying me in some way, she would say in front of their mom "well you just go over there and punch them right in the stomach! (or sometimes face). and then their mom would jump to action to prevent this from happening, according to my mom. Well, yes, I remember her saying these things, but i remember feeling very confused, knowing that hitting another child is wrong, and if I were to do it, which I would;t because it was not in my nature. But if I did, I would then be furiously whipped in private. I was whipped for way less, so why was my mom telling me to do this? It was for the sake of looking in control to the other mom, yes, but also GASLIGHTING me..Setting up the situation for me not to be believed. For no one to believe what she was really like.

As a teenager she would say to others that "she knows not to cross her because she knows who the one in control is." And to me in private she would say "you think you're too old for me to get out the belt and beat the * out of you? Go ahead and try me!" When I had merely dared to counter something she said as false. Sometimes she would say something like this before I could even get a word out. She would anticipate it. I was supposed to sit there SILENT with no opinion and no rebuttal of my abuse.

Yet now, (well, before NC when I actually got sick of her "she was in control" speech and said something about it) she said "I NEVER abused you! HOW) and I said well despite the emotional abuse, you physically abused me many many times, and she said she MAY HAVE THREATENED BUT NEVER LAID A HAND ON ME. Then she said sarcastically" well sorry if you think I did anything wrong to you but I don't remember that"...and now to this day she has told her husband and my sister that I am just holding a grudge because she apologized for things from 40 years ago she doesn't even remember. If it is so 40 years ago, why is she still bringing it up in conversation? Even in NC? A favorite thing for her to do is make covert mentions of how things that clearly happened never did, in a way no one else understands but me. One is to bring up my molestation by her father, and then to say one I told of it she protected me..like a refrain. It's all she can say about it. I finally said to stop bringing it up and stop saying that because i had already told her that wasn't true. And why didn't she ask what else happened, since I said it did, rather than continuing this false refrain. She said in a mean voice"well if you kept getting molested that's YOUR problem!!"

She's just a horrible sick person, who now is trying to contact me saying "she has always and will always love me unconditionally." Sorry this turned in to more of a rant than I expected. I want to be completely past all of this, and i think I am finally realizing just how true it is that she never loved me, and she is very very sick. Nothing about any of how she treats me is genuine or remotely normal.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2017, 07:58:55 PM by Three Roses »

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Phoebes

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Re: "Just go hit them" *Possible Triggers*
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2017, 05:16:09 PM »
Ugh, while I am writing about these different aspects of the physical portion of abuse, another gas lighting thing she did was abuse me all day, and then act like Ms. sing-songy positive mom making dinner when my dad got home. I know he saw some of the abuse (to which he never protected me-thanks dad) but there were many many times that she gaslighted me this way. I remember when I was around 8-10 in the summer when I was stuck at home with her all day, and I would put on my thickest pair of jeans so her whippings would not hurt as bad. I remember laying out my clothes to wear and feeling this toxic shame-these were my favorite jeans that I loved, but I had to wear them to protect myself, not for enjoyment.

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Three Roses

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Re: "Just go hit them" *Possible Triggers*
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2017, 08:00:54 PM »
:hug:

So sorry you had to go thru that. :(

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Phoebes

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Re: "Just go hit them" *Possible Triggers*
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2017, 04:03:42 PM »
Thanks. I guess I have mostly thought these are the sorts of things we have all gone through, but I am learning a lot of people were not physically abused at all, thank goodness for them. I think I am still in shock over the things I remember and realizing how not-normal they were, combined with my mom's recent insistence that she never abused me. I guess it helps me feel better about the NC.

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mourningdove

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Re: "Just go hit them" *Possible Triggers*
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2017, 05:34:46 PM »
It's so sad to read about what you went through, Phoebes. :( You didn't deserve any of that; no child does. She does sound like a horrible and sick person. Good for you for going NC.

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Phoebes

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Re: "Just go hit them" *Possible Triggers*
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2017, 02:41:35 AM »
Thanks, y'all. I am doing a lot better and feeling much more like I've definitely made the right decision and going to stick by it. My sister told me she felt stuck in the middle, but she also said she understands 100%. No telling what lies she is being fed, but I'm not going to go there. i just appreciated her support.

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Andyman73

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Re: "Just go hit them" *Possible Triggers*
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2017, 04:06:41 PM »
Phoebes,
I know this is old, but just in case, I wanted to reach out and say I feel your pain. My M was my main abuser at home, too.  I didnít remember any of it till earlier this year.  She did most of it when Dad was a Work. So he never knew most of what she did to me.