Berceuse's journal

[sanmagic7]

that feeling of being used can definitely be infuriating to the point of wanting to smash things.  i'm very glad you wrote it down instead.  that's been a saving grace of mine, too - writing to get the yuck stuff out of me.

lots of questions running around your head.  questions you may or may not know the answers to.  perfectionism?  is that from when we were never told we were loved and accepted just for being us?  there was always a condition, always another hurdle to jump, always another accomplishment to do better, faster, more efficiently.  and still no acceptance.

when i finally got straight a's in 5th grade, i thought there would be fireworks at the least from my dad.  he was always pushing me to get better grades (they were always way up there, just not perfect).  instead, i proudly showed him my report card, and he barely acknowledged it.  that crushed me.

i don't doubt you'll eventually either discover the answers to your questions, or someday they just won't matter anymore.  big hug to you, berceuse.

[berceuse]

instead, i proudly showed him my report card, and he barely acknowledged it.  that crushed me.

I know this feeling. It is indeed soul-crushing.

I feel foggy and disoriented right now though I thought I am relaxed and in a good mood. I guess my mind is foggy and confused but I feel relaxed. I guess what I am doing is I am trying to think how I am feeling. I don't know what I am saying right now.  It's okay. I won't delete this.

I am currently reading "Healing Developmental Trauma" by Laurence Heller and everything resonates with me so far.  Yep, aand I am having trouble remembering it right now. Maybe, I did not comprehend it yet though I felt like "Yes, that's exactly what it is" in every page and underlined almost the whole chapter esp the one titled Connection Survival Style which focuses on the early trauma coping mechanism.

I have an appointment with a somatic experiencing therapist tomorrow. I am researching about this on and off for a month probably.  I had decided that my priority is saving up and moving out because I am currently living with my sister and mother who I think, one of the causes of my cptsd. However, I had a really bad morning on Monday and I just found myself sending that e-mail. I think I'll decide it after the appointment. My mind keeps telling me reasons why I don't need to start therapy. That's why I also hate going to doctors. I suddenly forgot what was the problem. It's is probably because my mind (ICr?) talks me out of it. It is a self-care problem. I also have that weird fear people whom I ask for help (doctors in that case) will yell at me for nothing (yeah this is my trauma speaking).

I understand myself at this point. I learned that it is for the best that I should not ask for help and I made myself believe that "I don't need anybody." I did it so I wouldn't see how much I hurt for feeling alone and helpless indeed.

[sanmagic7]

you sweet thing, you.  sending you lots of fog-clearing energy. 

if you see the somatic therapy person, i hope it goes well for you, and some of the energy gets shifted or toxins released - whatever you need to happen.  warm, caring hug to you filled with love and light.

[DecimalRocket]

Of course you deserve help. Everyone needs help — everyone has a problem, a flaw, an insecurity, a weakness or anything that they need help with. We're all human — and we can only be superheroes when we're together after all.

if that's okay.

[berceuse]

It is often said here. Unless I move away from the main triggers, I won't really start healing. I am heavily dissociating. Apart from fantasizing, overthinking, isolating, avoiding or any way to distract myself, I think I am constantly trying to forget what hurt me on a subconscious level. It is invisible. It left me with a lot of scars but it is even invisible to me. So, here once again I don't know what went so wrong. This is so bizarre. I need a home. I can't unburden myself unless I feel safe. I am so disconnected from everything.
I want to feel like a human being again. Maybe, I am an ai. I am feeling so unreal. I am not properly talking to anybody for weeks which makes it worse.
Thank you for hearing me anyway.

[sanmagic7]

i do hear you, berceuse, and am standing right beside you.  it sounds like you're stuck and having trouble finding a way out or around or through.

hang tough - i have faith you will be able to move to where you need to be, to a safe place, even in your mind.   i was really glad to see you posted here - have missed you.  warm, lovely hug to you. 

[berceuse]

Thank you san,
I cant write here in my own journal or others as often as i want to though I am here reading almost daily.

I feel very uncomfortable when my mother tries to touch me. It is just hugs and kisses but ıt makes me really uncomfortable. She just kissed me in my back when i was sitting in the balcony and smoking and told me she does not need my permission for that and laughed. She laughes really loud btw. Then I started to shake though not realizing it till she told me "you dont need to shake" then she started talk to our dog "what is wrong with her?" . She  does that kind of talk all the time. Though her questions, comments whatever are adressed to me, she either talks to sb else or just acts like she is talking to an invisible camera as if she were in a cheap reality show and ignores my existence in the room. Then of course if I try to face her, I get blamed for it. You misunderstand it. I did not mean it. I dont remember doing it. Am I a bad mother? No, of course not. It is just me all the time. I have always been a difficult child and ı have that odd problem of misunderstanding people all the time because somehow they never mean it.

[Blueberry]

I feel very uncomfortable when my mother tries to touch me. It is just hugs and kisses but ıt makes me really uncomfortable. She just kissed me in my back when i was sitting in the balcony and smoking and told me she does not need my permission for that and laughed.

It's your body! If you're uncomfortable with it, then she shouldn't be doing it. My FOO does a lot of laughing to 'excuse' themselves from their own bad behaviour or to try and belittle me and my opinions / feelings.

It took me a long time as an adult to stand up to similar from M. I hadn't lived with my parents for years when I finally managed. I'm standing with you. You'll be able to set a boundary there when you're ready.

[sanmagic7]

i had uncomfy touch from my m as well, that i never said anything about.  i hated it.  i can relate to you and your feelings around this.  i didn't say anything cuz, so much the people pleaser, i believed that it was something that she enjoyed, and i didn't want to take her enjoyment away, even tho it was at my expense.  like it wasn't my right.

that 'i didn't mean it' excuse is so old and ugly - i've heard it more than a few times throughout my life.  like 'get over it, it wasn't that bad' or 'it was only a joke'.  that kind of stuff.  hate that, too, even tho i've found myself to say the same things at times when i'm ashamed of what i'd been actually thinking.

thanks for bringing this up, berceuse.  it helped me see myself in this, as embarrassing as that is.  but, i will also be mindful from now on, so you've done me a great favor.  love and a big hug.

[berceuse]

My FOO does a lot of laughing to 'excuse' themselves from their own bad behaviour or to try and belittle me and my opinions / feelings.

My M does that too.

thanks for bringing this up, berceuse.  it helped me see myself in this, as embarrassing as that is.  but, i will also be mindful from now on, so you've done me a great favor.  love and a big hug.

You're welcome San. I am glad it helped you in a way.

I don't know where I am in my journey of healing but I think I am still in the very beginning. However, today I would like to write down some things that I think of as positive steps.

In the last chigong/qigong class I realized a part of me that is calm and grounded. I am putting it like this because I don't think I did force any change. On the contrary, I was lost in thoughts and very self-conscious then I realized a part of me who takes easy, calm and deep breaths then my mind adapted to that part. I felt calm, grounded and energetic. It was so nice. I think it does/will do great help in general.

I was thinking about my two former attempts to move out and this time I stopped seeing them as failed attempts and did not fall into despair. They are great lessons indeed. They failed because I expected to thrive immediately after I was in a safe enough place (at least far away from what can still be called abuse or just constant triggers). However, it turned out to be the opposite because I started to feel things once I got away and did not know how to regulate/handle those feelings. So, I thought I am just losing control/everything is going worse. Now once I move out I am expecting to feel fear, guilt or whatever I am hiding in my bag.

I started to work out a month ago which helps me feel stronger both physically and mentally and this is a good step.

I sorted out my priorities. At least one. I am going to give my self a safe enough space (a room, a home or this can be totally metaphorical but it is very hard to do while I am constantly triggered and pushing down those feelings in the presence of my foo) to process my feelings. So, I am saving money for this. My plans are not clear but it does not have to be at this stage. The first step is to save money and I am doing it.

I talked with a somatic experiencing therapist/trauma therapist. I liked her actually. We graduated from the same university and she is three years older than me, at most. She gave me a discount and it is manageable but I am planning to work with her once I move out. My priority is moving out and I can't both save money for it and work with her at the same time but she is my second plan.

The people in where I work are very nice and kind. It was hard to see that because I was occupied with thoughts like "I am too slow/silent/stupid bla bla and they are going fire me any time." Now I am a little bit calmer and I see no sign of hatred/belittling. Though I find it hard to believe I guess normal, healthy people don't hate each other for no apparent reasons. For four months I am mostly isolating myself (trying not to meet them at lunch so I go out a little bit later, avoding asking even work-related questions and that is one of the reasons I am slow at finishing tasks). Each time I realize people are indeed nice to me, interested in knowing me or trust me that I capable enough to do the work I am assigned to do, I feel surprised.  On the other hand, after years of denial -I don't care what people think of me or my best old friend: misanthropy- realizing that I am highly dependent on people's opinion is the ugly truth.

[Blueberry]

Tons of progress there Berceuse! 

[berceuse]

Thank you so much Blueberry.

Today, I numbed out myself all day watching my favorite animation series. I am rewatching it, I don't know, maybe for the third time.

Yesterday, I was watching a video of a very young woman who gave a speech in march for our lives. I really admired her strength and how her trauma, her brother was a victim of gun violence, caused her to raise her voice against the injustice. It made me cry. I am unable to find words to describe my feelings and my thoughts though I want to talk more about it.

I wonder if I will ever feel connected to me/people/my environment. Apart from a few moments of feeling totally alive (I really remember three instances), I have always felt dead inside. One was when I finally said a big No to my abusive former-boss. When I was waiting in the subway station after the talk with him, suddenly colors were vivid, my vision was clear (no fuzziness) and I felt normal. Normally, I am especially overwhelmed in crowded places like that. The world usually feels like a two-dimensional cartoon movie to me and suddenly it was just normal and normal is such a beautiful thing. I don't think people who did not feel like this are aware that "normal" is such a great thing and I will probably strive my whole life to feel normal again or maybe I will just give up.

While I was listening to radio, I heard a song of David Bowie, called Underground and the lyrics resonated a lot with me. It is the description of how I feel every day and I don't even know I fell to the underground or was just born there.

[berceuse]

I am not sure if I can explain this properly but I will try. I think this is one of my core beliefs. I feel hated. I am not sure who is the subject of this hate.   It happens esp when I write in other's journals here. I feel so much shame about ıt that i wish i were invisible. The pattern is like this: I said such a bad thing and I did not even realize it( it is my mistake) and ı hurt sb so bad and they now hate me.
I know my M used this "you hurt me, you made me sad" thing a lot but I dont think she hates me. I know she does not like me, never wanted me but ıt is not hatred. But I feel hated and even disgusted by. I may not be grammatically correct here. Sorry for that.  In sum, I felt like this towards my self esp when I am in college and before that. I know abuse programmed us to hate ourselves. I understand that ıt was also a coping mechanism but now I dont directly say things like I hate myself rather I strongly feel hated though I see no proof of that. Is this some kind of projection? May be. I am so afraid of becoming a cold hearted narc and not even realizing it. I used to have so much empathy and love in me.  Now I feel rage, hatred, fear and having lots of trouble to emphatize with other people's pain and feelings. I feel so cold inside and I think sometimes I just imitate what is expected of me in terms of emotions and emphaty.
Yesterday I tried screaming into my pillow. I am not sure if ıt was audible or not to neighbours but I felt a lot better after that. I really need to get this rage out of me. I dont want to be that kind of person who is full of hate and rage and reacting out of ıt. I will try my best not to be that.

[Blueberry]

Dear berceuse,

I just want you to know I read your post of today. I don't know the answer either of who  is the subject of the hate or whether you're projecting something. I don't feel anything in your posts like a cold-hearted narc though!! I think if you had empathy and love they'll come back when they're ready. Possibly you need to feel rage and hatred and even fear beforehand? Fear has its uses. It's not all 'bad' so long as it doesn't flip into panic.

on feeling better for getting some of the rage out.

If it feels safe, here's  if not, ignore.

[berceuse]

Hey Blueberry,
Thanks for the hugs  . I don't know the answer either. I guess it is okay not to know.

I don't feel anything in your posts like a cold-hearted narc though!!

And Thanks for telling me this. It is the subject which I have the most fear about probably.

I guess I will never figure it out by pondering on it. I seem to get even more lost when I try to figure this out. Fear attracts fear and I just get lost in my thoughts along with daydreaming. These are the ones that do not include an ideal version of me. My personality in my daydreams seems to go inbetween idealized me in a perfect world where it is safe to express feelings and me who feels deep toxic shame and expecting people to get mad at me for the tiniest mistakes. The latter was actually so strong when I started to work in a 9-5 job again. I was expecting my boss, who seems to be so nice and understanding, to come to my room and yell at me because of how slow I am, how I can make such a mistake or to simply fire me.  I think the latter is more related to codependent part of me. I am a freeze-fawn type. I don't think I have a codependent relationship anymore but it still runs deep in my thoughts. I used to have a very codependent relationship with a friend of mine for 8 years and I went nc with her when I found about narcissistic abuse. I think this was 2-3 years ago. It was also the same time I realized M could also be a narc. After finding out, I had told her that I am going to get her and my friend out of my life.  She just laughed about it and repeated what I said in a humiliating voice. I am almost sure my grandmother (my M's mother) was a narc. I lived with two of them growing up. I can even see the  GC, SG pattern in my mother's family. My M seems to be the SG and she had a very codependent relationship with my grandmother; she devoted all her time and energy to a woman (grandm.) who keeps insulting her, shows no sign of affection and keeps comparing M with her brother (GC). That's why I empathized with her so much and for so long but she was never able to see me. It felt like I never had a chance to be a child. Rather a medium that was made to hear her, help her with her troubles and expect nothing in return because she loved me. There was no room for me in that relationship.
I was not expecting to write these things.