Berceuse's journal

Started by berceuse, March 12, 2017, 09:08:57 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

berceuse

#I have been to a really good place where I really felt like myself, talk like myself and it felt really good. There are a lot of nice people here and outside who speaks and listens with an open heart. I don't want to forget this fact.

#Nothing hurts as much as isolation did for me. I love people. I love being with people and thinking that something with me is toxic and I need to stay away from people hurts a lot. I don't want to do this to myself.

#I think I needed to look at the past to make sense of that confusing and paralysing state, what I think of as C-ptsd. I believe it was necessary and really beneficial. Ât least now I dont think I am crazy/needed to be hospitalized/kept in isolation for the sake of humanity.  I am not doomed. These are big steps for me. I accept that I am a normal, regular human being who is equally capable of doing anything as everyone. I don't want to forget that, too.

#However now I started to focus too much on  what I lack now or did in the past. I started to give too much care about what I lack and I am never grateful for what I have.

# I am still alive.
# I am healthy.
# I have a place to live in.
# I have a job.
# I have dreams (a lot) and I am capable of making them come true. (at least some of them)

I am really greatful for all these things. Thank you universe!

sanmagic7

thank you for that great reminder, berceuse.  i, too, felt like i'd gotten stuck, kind of wallowing in what had happened, but i feel like i've turned a corner and am now more present-focused.  it feels better.  so glad for you that you're feeling more like yourself.  it's wonderful to hear.  yay for you!   big hug!

berceuse

#17
It has been almost two months since my last post and I have been going through some changes in my life recently.

I moved out of the city where I stay with my sister and mom  to another city in my home country.

I actually already gave up on my escape fantasies before I did that. The only motivation I had was that I did not want to live in such a crowded, noisy, and tiring city.  It drained me for seven years. I went there to study in university and stayed to find a job.  My plans were to start working full time in a job of which I have no interest. I was working there part time and also doing some freelance translation. So, instead of putting myself into something I have never wanted I decided to choose uncertainty.
I had met  a friend who also wanted to move out of city to some small coastal town so we did it together. Now my only income depends on freelance translation but I guess I will manage to live. I hope so. It has been two weeks since I moved.

The reason I am writing is because I easily lose contact with my feelings or self?? and If I can lose contact with my self then who is the I? I really dont know. I guess I am trying to talk about my feelings.

I feel like I have a lot to talk but my brain feels like it is trying to process what I am living. So, I dont quite understand what I feel. I dont even know what I am talking makes sense. I feel like I have a rubber ball in my head instead of a brain right now. 

It usually have been like this for me. First the act comes and then the thinking process which propaply I should do before the action but it is okey. I generally am happy with that with a few exceptions.

Anyway, the thing is that I know I show the courage to create a space for myself and it is great but I dont want to live that as somebody else's life. I dont want to feel distant or disconnected anymore. I am always somewhere between the old mind patterns created by trauma, my past or whatever and the shining-bright future/*-like future depending on the situation. I am really addicted to fantasizing, daydreaming about things and it is not fun anymore. It is taking my whole energy and presence. I think this is dissociation. I know I started that when my father passed away and I couldnt talk with anyone so I was always imagining him alive and he will come and save me from home adn I did that for 10 years until one day when I was lying in bed I realized he is really dead and noone is coming. My grief process started with 10 years delay and at the time everyone in my family was continuing with their natural lives or I thought so. So anyway this is an very old habit which is not protecting me from anything anymore. I dont need any protection. I just need to feel fully alive and present. I want to feel what I am doing.

Thank you sanmagic7 by the way. I know journals are personal and I dont need to expect replies but I feel a lot better  when someone sees me.

sanmagic7

i do see you, berceuse, and i hear you as well.  another new start person - there are several of us right now. 

sometimes i do things on a sense, a feeling, intuition - i don't know exactly what it might be - and also work it out within my mind afterwards.  this move i made was originally scheduled for a year from now, then june first.  as it turned out, the idea of moving out of there became more and more urgent to me, and i was out of there and here by may 12.  don't know why it had to be, but it did.  it's possible that with different timing, i would not have found this place to live, which is really what i needed.

so, until that rubber ball disintegrates a bit and you are able to figure more things out, best wishes with all of this for you.  i have faith it is exactly what it was supposed to be.  big hug!

carnation

"he did it by showing me a photograph taken in the funeral (I do not know why sb needed to take a photo in the funeral) and simply telling me "Your dad died" "

THIS IS TERRIBLE!  :((((

berceuse

Thanks sanmagic. I love to believe this was exactly what it was supposed to be and I am happy to hear that you also made a new start and it was a little bit unplanned. I actually enjoy more when things do not follow a strict plan. I am not a religious person but I sometimes like to think that I am part of something bigger (indeed I am part of this world) When I did not push so hard to do what I want and when I want, in other words when I go with the flow, I feel more peaceful. However, it also sounds unreasonable to me but reason is not the only way to know things, I guess and I wish the best for  you too.

Hello Carnation. Yes it was terrible and I really had thought it was my imagination and there was not a photograph and then I really found the photograph. It was exactly as I remembered.

I am writing with long intervals but this is the only place where I can tell without the feeling that I am living in pain body (I am reading the Power of Now) and I am a masochist who enjoys pain (may be ı am?) and thinking and talking about things that happened years ago. This feeling is not mine actually. It is the imaginary reaction of people when they listen to me. (I dont if if this is inner or outer critic and I dont want to check the term right now.) So, I try not to talk about this things with my friends or sister, etc.

I can't guess other people's feelings and I do not need to guess or check or control? other people's feelings. It is too much. I try to remind myself that I do not need to guess their feelings and then act accordingly when I go too deep into the ic/oc loop. There is no room for my feelings.

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." A. Einstein
I have read something similar in "power of now". I do not know in which level of consciousness my problem is created and why I have such a hard time to be fully present. I really do not enjoy the endless painful loops in my head but I also cant solve it in my head. I try meditation for two years?? I am not sure when I started. I guess I am living in a big ball of dissociation. I just remember quite a few times when I feel fully present. (I mean when my senses are open-no blurs, no hard hearing, colors are normal,etc. I think this is dissociation?) One time was when I objected to my former boss (I think he was a narcissist -not sure- subject of another entry)
Anyway meditation is not going well. I am thinking about reading "body keeps the score" but ı dont have the money for it right now.
Today (in the morning) I decided to talk about relationships which is a real taboo for me. I have never been with anyone and whenever I start to feel a crush on sb I really really realy feel stupid. I mean you dont deserve to love any one and kill yourself kind of stupid. As I have maladaptive daydreaming (one of the terms I know :) and it is an addiction- quitting smoking was easier) I find myself calling myself stupid-idiot in the middle of the road or when I am looking in the mirror whenever I start to have feelings and of course with vivid scenarios, fantasies, whatever you call it) I know that in deep deep deep inside I am not emotionally crippled and I am a normal, healthy 25 years old woman who is not ashamed of her feelings, body, face etc.   I needed to talk about it because I started to talk  like (in real life) I dont need anyone, I cant love anyone, I am emotionally crippled, I would like to be alone. (No, it is not true, I am sick and tired of being alone and I think I am really going to cry when somebody really loves me and touches me but I cant even react in time when sb likes me, I just do all the things in my head. I am really stuck in my mind.) So, at least I am honest here and this really breaks my heart. Why feeling alive is so hard when I am in a place where I would love to be and  I am with people whom I would love to be around. I started to work in a pub which pays higher than translation and it is also great. However, I feel a giant frozen thing? is living inside me and I do not want to feel like this. I hate feeling like this. So, what should I do? Do not resist the Now ( I dont even like self-help books)
I feel a lot of anger but I even do not know it is for me or for mother or somebody else. I do not want to keep blaming people. I did it a lot. I dont know what to do.


sanmagic7

hey, berceuse,

can i say something here?  i don't believe you are a masochist, i don't believe any of us are.  i do believe that we've gotten so used to pain that we can feel uncomfortable when it's not there.   maybe, subconsciously, we might at times, seek for something that will bring us pain because that's what feels normal.  but i don't believe we like pain. 

i once heard that the definition of a masochist is someone who thinks it's ok to be in pain, a sadist is someone who thinks it's ok to inflict pain on another.  that turned my mind around a little about those two terms cuz it did make sense to me.   if we go back to our beginning, babies don't like pain, and they don't think it's ok to be in pain.  they let someone know loud and clear when they're in pain. 

unfortunately for too many of us, that natural instinct against pain has been taught, threatened, or punished out of us.   we don't like it - we never did.   going back to a baby's reactions for what is normal and/or instinctual in humans has helped me a lot with these kinds of situations, including with emotions and boundaries.  babies know and they don't hesitate to speak their piece.  those are our natural reactions which have been buried.

i wonder if that big frozen thing is underlying fear, anxiety, or lack of self-worth for your new job, new surroundings, doing something you enjoy, not being isolated, meeting new people - all the things that go along with regularly being present in a pub atmosphere.  i would imagine it doesn't feel good at all.  hopefully, as you get used to being there and being more comfortable with being in that 'now', the big frozen thing will begin to melt.

the power of now is really a wonderful concept, one i want to be more invested in.  i live too much in the future or past, and just don't pay attention to now very much, unless i'm uncomfortable.  then, nothing else matters.  not a very healing way to live, i don't think.  and, if this is starting over, i do believe that i need to focus more on the now as well.  thanks for sharing that, berceuse.

sounds like you're a little stuck on the anger thing.  would it help if you wrote about it?  just simple sentences, like 'i'm angry at _____________ for ________________'.  then do it again and again, just to see what  name/person comes up each time and why you feel anger toward them.  i don't know if that's the same as blaming.  rather, i see it as simply putting that anger where it belongs.    that just came to my mind because writing things out has always helped me. 

be very careful not to stop yourself if a name or person comes to your mind.  whatever comes to mind is real, or it wouldn't be there.  just write it down, get it out.  you can think about it later.  i don't know if that would help you.  writing isn't for everybody.  but, maybe it would.

i think you're doing well with everything, my dear.  starting over takes time and energy, because it involves new ways of thinking, new perspectives, and new perceptions.  best with all of this.  big hug.

berceuse

Thank you sanmagic, This makes a lot of sense to me
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 29, 2017, 11:46:37 PM

if we go back to our beginning, babies don't like pain, and they don't think it's ok to be in pain.  they let someone know loud and clear when they're in pain. 

unfortunately for too many of us, that natural instinct against pain has been taught, threatened, or punished out of us.   we don't like it - we never did.   going back to a baby's reactions for what is normal and/or instinctual in humans has helped me a lot with these kinds of situations, including with emotions and boundaries.  babies know and they don't hesitate to speak their piece.  those are our natural reactions which have been buried.


The first person who was supposed to love me, did not love me at all and this hurts a lot. I am not a masochist. I had a nervous breakdown in the new job (I was washing the dishes and crying whole day-literally I cried for 8 hours on and off) I think this is the baby's reaction. 


sanmagic7

i wouldn't doubt it.  my earth mother spirit wants to gather that baby in with love and caring and kindness, hold that baby speaking soothing, comforting words of affection until baby you feels the safety and love being offered.  you deserved to be loved as the innocent tiny human being you were, a miracle of life. 

here's to all our darling little baby selves who didn't get all that good stuff we not only needed but deserved.  what a wonder that we've survived and can gather here to help us get through to thriving in spite of it.   berceuse, i don't doubt your tears carried a lot of poison out of your body.  with that in mind, i'm glad for you.  big hug.

berceuse

I really don't know how to be good to myself. The belief that I am unworthy of love and should kill myself because my existance is so unneceassary etc. (it sounds funny when I am writing) but I still hold this beliefs. I thought I am over this. Since the moving out, all the things I thought I was over (old self-destructive thoughts and even suicidal ones) are here again. The only thing that can stop these self destructive thoughts is alcohol. Why these beliefs are stronger than me?
So if there is a baby inside me, I think I have already killed her.

sanmagic7

you know, berceuse, you've just made a huge change in your life, and i've found when i do that (such as my move back to the states from mexico), lots of old stuff rear their ugly heads.  i think it's because it's a transition phase - you're not yet used to being where you are, you've upset your old routine where everything was pretty settled for you, and you're not quite sure how to re-settle, re-establish your base of operations, or re-ground yourself. 

may i suggest you give yourself some time, be patient with yourself while your innards settle down again.  being good to ourselves can take some time, too, because we may have to learn who our 'self' really is and what that 'self' needs.  as you continue with your recovery, i have no doubt that things will fall into place.  you don't have to rush.

that baby may just be laying low for a bit while you get yourself together.  our babies have been tough.  they're survivors.   we're survivors.  you are doing what you need to do right now to survive.  in time, that might change.  hang tough, berceuse, i'm hangin' right beside you.   big hug to you.

berceuse

Thank you sanmagic7,

I have really been going through hard times recently and "we are survivors" was a great reminder. Seriously, thank you very much for your precious point of view.
This time it was not all in my head (the dangers were not particularly belonged to the past but it was entangled with the past- I dont know if this is the right saying but ı dont want to search for it right now)
I lived the most terrible earthquake in my life last week. Luckily no one got killed but it was a terrible experience. My sister had just arrived to my new house when the earthquake hit and I just remembered how much I am scared of losing someone I love.

The job got worse and worse. I realized that I never stand up for myself.  I allow the bad treatment and never raise my voice against it. So, I hold onto 15?? years of anger (all of them, all the bad treatment (mom- sisters- grandmom- classmates-coworkers and me of course)). No wonder why I keep dreaming of having nervous breakdowns Thanks to MD they feel like real but I am gonna stop living in the dreamworld. It is over really. I had enough.
So, I had quite a few panic attacks in the work and finally quitted this wednesnay. I do not regret it at all.

I realized how far daydreaming has taken over my life. Even my reactions are not real. My feelings (especially love and anger) got stuck in an unknown world where the ideal me lives them to the fullest.  I spent almost every minute dreaming something (close relations, talking to sb I care, nervous breakdowns, funerals, the ones that I am heroine...).

I tried to be with someone I have no interest in and I felt nothing. I think I did it to feel something but I felt absolutely nothing. At least now I know that I am desirable.

I talked to a friend of mine about the panic attacks and she suggested me to find a safe place and I realized that I have never felt safe here. I have been having sleep problems since I came (mostly because of the overthinking-anxiety)
However I also know this was not what I wanted. I dont want to live in a popular coastal town where the life expenses are the same as the city life (also the stress). I really would like to be in the middle of nature. So I changed my plans or better say turned back to the original ones.  Another change will be coming for me and this time I feel more peaceful about it.

**Another reminder for me: Music is the biggest trigger of daydream loop. Listening to the genres that I am not very familiar worked a lot for me. No more playlists I guess and a great blog about MD: https://maladaptivedaydreamingguide.wordpress.com/






berceuse

I guess I am getting a little bit better at becoming a silent observer. During my observations esp. yersterday I realized that:
***I refrain myself from resting, eating, drinking water (from meeting any humanly needs) till I finish a work (any kind of work-yesterday was about cleaning the house). Inner critic gets so violent that I simply cant stop working and at the same time I hear myself begging for water and a little bit of rest and of course I dont stop till the thing inside me is completely satisfied with the results.
***Outer critic peaks whenever I talk about deep, personal things to someone I care. (I was chatting with my housemate about some personal stuff the other night-it was really nice and I was not triggered etc., probably because of the alcohol.) Next day I literally woke up hating her and found her everly little gesture unbearable. The negative feelings went on and on  till I realized it was oc. The silence inside after I realized it was oc was the most beautiful part of the day.
***I am not a misanthropist as I claimed often. Being a misanthropist is just a safe zone to make me stay away from people. Although I seem to enjoy it, I know it is not a part of authentic me.





berceuse

How can I express 15 (more or less) years of anger?
I am sooo tired of thinking, imagining about the same things over and over again. Whenever I dont express my feelings (which is most of the time) I start to daydream about telling them to sb. I dont remember how many imaginary nervous breakdowns I had and it feels real and tiring. I am angry to mother and sisters and I know it will be such a futile act to talk to them about it. Even when I am writing this I feel like something is choking me. Emotional isolation ( in my case love and anger are the most detached or unexpressed feelings) feels like some part of me is living in a desert island and is not thinking about coming to the real world. May be I can learn to feel safe here and now so it can be more attractive for detached part/s to live in reality.
What does safety mean for me?
A small place where I am familiar with all its surroundings. A tent might really be a good idea because a house seems so big for me to deal with. Plus I really dont want to pay bills and rent right now. I am also a little bit afraid of being alone but I am not eager to live with someone either.  A campsite where I can reach internet and continue working? An ecofarm?? I dont know yet. I think safety also means to bond with someone but I am not sure I know the difference between bonding and being used.


sanmagic7

hey, berceuse, it's been awhile, but i've finally been able to catch up a bit.  reading your posts about your changes, about how you're finding out more and more about your true self felt really good to me for you.  i really liked how you're knowing where it is you really want to be (in nature) but that your latest move didn't quite get you there.  yet.

it rang a bell with me.  i'm living in this lovely room in a lovely house, but it doesn't quite feel like home to me.  i don't know where i'll end up, but i don't think this place is my end of the line as far as feeling at home.  it's a place to live for now, and i'm grateful for it, but i can't quite call it home.

i do hope you find just what you're looking for. 

i've also had those angry imaginary conversations with the people who have hurt me.  i doubt i'll ever have them in real life, but it was almost that i relished being able to say all the things to them in my mind that i couldn't actually say.  they would keep me up as well, often still do, but i'm beginning to learn that they're not very positive nor constructive for my peace of mind.  it's like they just keep going in a horrible loop with me saying horrible things to horrible people.   never any satisfaction out of it. 

i've begun stopping myself when i catch it now.  like, i'll yell in my head 'stop stop stop' until i switch the channel.  there are so many other lovely things and people (many of both come from this forum) to think about, and fall asleep to.  i like this way better.  not perfect at it, but better than before.

i hope, too, that you can find more productive ways of getting out those emotions that are hurting you.  thank you for having the courage to write a bit about them here.  i think that's a really good start.  big, warm, caring hug to you.