Berceuse's journal

[berceuse]

I am exhausted. I have been obsessively thinking about moving out and NC. From the moment I wake up till I go to bed and all day at work, I kept thinking about it. I kept imagining their reactions. On the one hand, I know I want to and need to do this for myself. On the other hand, I am curious why I am so obsessed with their reaction? I want to do this because I want to hurt them? If this is the case, I don't think it is the right time for me. I just don't know how I feel about this and I am too tired to think. I was reminding myself to read about setting boundaries. Maybe, it is related to that. I am going to read about it when I am able to. 

I don't think my friendships are working either. I am just dead inside and trying to fake normal human reactions and even unable to do that most of the time. I feel so left out, disconnected, frozen especially when I am with them. I am so tired of this. I know them for almost 8 years and I am not sure we have ever really bonded. I am not sure I have ever bonded with anybody. I think they also do feel that way about me. I am just so tired of this. Nothing feels real and I missed feeling real in a real world so much. I guess this is my dissociation.

I lost my physical journal. I just need a good long cry so much. My eyes are filled with tears but they just disappear. I can't cry.

This is the only place I can talk about these things. I have a strong urge to apologize for being so selfish but I guess this is my journal and it is okay.

[Blueberry]

  Yes, this is your Journal, you can write however much you want. But I don't have the feeling you're being selfish at all.

I'm sorry you lost your physical Journal and I'm sorry that thinking so much is making you feel exhausted. I have a thought-stopping imagination exercise. I imagine a wheel like a huge water wheel or even a bike wheel and then I put a stick through the spokes. That actually helps! Because sometimes taking a break from thinking can help.

Moving out and going NC is usually to protect ourselves from hurt, not to hurt the other person.

[DecimalRocket]

 

It's okay to be selfish sometmes. This is your journal, and you need some attention. I can relate though to never feeling like I'm connected with someone, or bonded with someone deeply enough. I've had friends I never shared secrets with for years. And even now, I'm struggling to open up and connect.

Just take care, and we'll drop by when you need it, alright?

See you.

[berceuse]

Thank you, DecimalRocket 

I have a thought-stopping imagination exercise. I imagine a wheel like a huge water wheel or even a bike wheel and then I put a stick through the spokes. That actually helps! Because sometimes taking a break from thinking can help.

Thank you, Blueberry for your advice. I'll try that.

[Shankara]

I feel so left out, disconnected, frozen especially when I am with them. I am so tired of this. I know them for almost 8 years and I am not sure we have ever really bonded. I am not sure I have ever bonded with anybody. I think they also do feel that way about me. I am just so tired of this. Nothing feels real and I missed feeling real in a real world so much. I guess this is my dissociation.

I lost my physical journal. I just need a good long cry so much. My eyes are filled with tears but they just disappear. I can't cry.

I am moved by your words... I felt similar for a very long time and I still do. Sending you support berceuse

[berceuse]

Dear shankara,
I am sorry you felt and still feel similar. It is just such a terrible emotion. Thank you for your support though

I was planning to write a long post about what I recently found about boundaries -obviously I have none- and codependence, but right now I am having trouble with words again.

Just a quick reminder for later. It will be very benefical if I practice setting boundaries before moving out, because one the reasons of my moving back with my sister is her telling me that I don't feel safe in my house (the house I moved out to) because it is old and in bad condition and she also told me that she did not like my roommate. So, I let her tell me how I feel and why I feel that way and I put more trust in her opinion about "my feelings" than trying to find out what "I" feel. I have serious trouble finding out how I feel about things. People, esp foo, take advantage of this and I obviously let them. I dont talk anything personal with M anymore and it took me 23 years to realize how she uses what I told, the most vulnerable things, against me, to hurt me later. But my sister. I dont think she is an N yet she tries to control me. Anyways, I need to stop being vulnerable to her. This is a big NO.
My foo enjoys seeing me fail esp having no social, independent life. I have seen this many times.
Ps. I am not responsible for other people's feelings and thoughts. This is quite a shock to me after years of feeling responsible for pleasing everyone. Literally everyone.

edit.

[sanmagic7]

those are some incredible realizations, berceuse.  good for you.  to me, that's a big first step in figuring this stuff out.  it sounds like you have a much clearer picture of what's gone on, what part you and others have played in all this, and what you might want to do differently.  big first step.

take as much time as you need.  and, yes, this is your journal, you can write what you want, as much as you want, when you want.  it's for your benefit first and foremost.  love and hugs, sweetie.  it'll come.

[Sceal]

I agree with everything San said. It's big realizations that you've gained there! It's really big, and it's the first step forward!
if it's okay with you?

[DecimalRocket]

Man, some of our abusers can invade our lives too much, huh? It's another step to independence by trusting ourselves, and leaving actions that make it more likely for us to doubt ourselves. That's an amazing step, Ber.

[berceuse]

those are some incredible realizations, berceuse.  good for you.  to me, that's a big first step in figuring this stuff out.  it sounds like you have a much clearer picture of what's gone on, what part you and others have played in all this, and what you might want to do differently.  big first step.

Thank you Sanmagic,
Hearing that this is the first step for you, helped me see that I'm on the right track.

I agree with everything San said. It's big realizations that you've gained there! It's really big, and it's the first step forward!
if it's okay with you?

Thank you Sceal,
to you, too.

It's another step to independence by trusting ourselves, and leaving actions that make it more likely for us to doubt ourselves. That's an amazing step, Ber.

Thank you DecimalRocket,
After putting my trust into others and depending on them, it is so hard to do this but also crucial.

Yesterday while I was on my way home, I was thinking about how I gaslight myself. After years of conditioning not to trust my own senses, I became really good at that.

The other day, my friend texted me that she got really bored sitting at home. She didn't directly ask me to go out together but implied it or I felt that way. Anyway, I immediately started to fantasize how can I relieve her boredom, amuse her, make her happy etc. Where should we go, what should I talk about, if I say this she might feel/think blah blah; If I do this she might react like this or that, etc. I started to get lost in people-pleasing daydreams again. Then while I was getting dressed, she did not answer to my texts on where to go, what to do, for a while. I started to think, nobody really wants to be around me because I am sad/nervous/unhappy/X all the time. I started to feel I am too exhausted to go meet her and be another person who now barely can hide all these feelings bottled up inside. I texted her that I don't want to go out. I could not understand why I wrote that. I started to blame myself for changing my mind, not feeling like going out, disappointing her and do "no one is going to love you, they'll dump you blah blah" talking.

I don't want to read into this too much. It is a codependent trait and I do that kind of energy-consuming thinking/feeling for everyone and I automatically suppress the tiniest bit of feeling (I guess I really did not want to go out) I have, then I get mad at me for not knowing how I feel. Also, it might be that I am too scared that people are going to abandon me, so I should be the one who does that first. This was what my therapist told me when I was seeing one. I don't know. I really don't want to and am indeed avoiding seeing my friends for a while because after realizing that I am trying to please them and getting mad at myself when I am not able to do it, I don't want to do this anymore and now I simply don't know how to behave. They're not very eager to see me either.

Anyway, I decided to write kind of a list of my M's narcissistic behavior, so when I gaslight myself again or justify her behavior I can read it and remind myself this is why I want to be far far away from her but I started to feel too tired and can do it later today.

[sanmagic7]

i can so relate to having those conversations with myself regarding others.   love and hugs, my dear.

[DecimalRocket]

Man, Ber. I really relate to feeling like people would abandon me sometimes. I often think my strong emotions from all my trauma and other conditions must be too much of a bother. It's alright to feel, Ber. Much of us feel the same way, so you're in good company.

[berceuse]

Thank you Sanmagic and Rocket,


I removed my post about emotional abuse in my journal because it made me uncomfortable. I mean there was not any uncomfortable emotion/shame, just a persistent thought persuading me to delete it. Maybe I was not ready to be more open. Maybe I was afraid to be judged, belittled, ridiculed (I know it never happens here). Maybe a part of me (probably an inner child) stopped me. I don't know.

-Might be triggering-

Anyway, my M is super super nice to me lately. She keeps telling me how pretty I am. She incessantly says that she loves me. She even asks me about my day when I come home, which is kind of new.
I don't trust her. I mean I can't. I know I am not crazy. Sometimes I think all that anger I have inside, blinded me to who they really are. Maybe she is indeed nice and loving. However, this does not explain why I feel so much anger towards her in the first place or why I have this intrusive daydreams for more than 10 years about leaving home and never seeing them again. If I wish I can justify her behavior except for some cases where she was truly sadistic, truly enjoyed breaking me into pieces. I can't justify that.  One person can't be truly loving me so much and hurting me intentionally. One of those is all lies and I can't understand this. If she enjoys my misery, how can she act like she loves me most of the time?   

Before I found about here, CPTSD, etc,  I literally thought I was going crazy. Now, I know that I am not crazy. Still, I guess I will never understand this.

[sanmagic7]

nope, you're not crazy. 

from all that i've learned, and from experience as well, i've got my own perspective of what's going on.  maybe it doesn't make sense for you, and that's ok.  just ignore it then. 

these types of people know just which buttons to push in us, know just how many and what kinds of crumbs to feed us to keep us confused and with them.  they're very good at this.  they don't want us to leave because we'll be taking their punching bag away.  as long as we stay, they have someone on whom to vent and spew their own vitriol.

they also know that if they only continue abusing us, we'll eventually leave, and they don't want that - they desperately don't want that.  so, they will feed us what they believe we want to hear, just enough kindness or caring to keep us thinking there's hope for the relationship.

we're so very good at tolerating the abuse, and so grateful for the kindnesses that it keeps us locked in, feeling hopeful that if we stick around, there really will be change and things will get better.  it took me many years of wallowing in that hope before i realized exactly what was going on.  it hurt very much, the most painful part was that realization.  it still hurts today.

as far as removing your bit on emotional abuse, maybe one day you'll feel stronger or different and it will become helpful for you to write it down.  maybe not.  either way, there's no shame or blame.  whatever's best for you is the most important part of all this.

sending you love and a hug full of kindness and caring - no strings attached.

[berceuse]

from all that i've learned, and from experience as well, i've got my own perspective of what's going on.  maybe it doesn't make sense for you, and that's ok.  just ignore it then. 

No, it makes a lot of sense. I have had a lot to write about this but I can't right now.

A lot of things happened in the last few days. Most of them are very positive. Today, I am just exhausted. I am too tired to  even think and write.