Berceuse's journal

[berceuse]

Thank you sanmagic7. You listen from the heart and I feel validated and I really appreciate it. I need to say stop to angry loops too. You are right they are neither positive nor constructive. I hope you find the place that feels like home too.

I have been reading  Living Beuatifully with uncertainity and change and it makes quite a lot of sense to me.The book is mostly about some Buddist teaching and I am trying to follow some of the teachings which suits me. Now, I am working on staying present and it means I need to stop  my self any time I slip into a daydream. I discovered that stopping daydreaming means I need to sit with (the book also says something like that) some feelings which I usually express through detailed daydreams and another good discovery is that I have aaa lot of fear.   and panic emotions.
However, I am really decisive about living my life and feeling something now, not in my daydreams. So, it is okey. Starting with fear is not fun at all but thanks to it I know that I need to develop some other coping mechanisms and I think it is great
I am going to write some of the things that are working for me and organize them later.

To stay present
* saying the date and hour and place
* 5 4 3 2 1 grounding technique for senses (5 see 4 touch 3hear 2 smell 1taste)
*When I catch myself thinking saying "I am thinking"
*If thinking becomes too unstoppable saying "I wonder what my next thought is going to be" (There is usually a 5 seconds silence when I say that)
*Ice massage esp to neck, forehead and ears. It really awakens me.
*Jazz or classic music (or anything different from what I usually listen to)
*Something nice to smell esp something with coconut butter or vanilla gives me peace.

In the long term
*Eating good (consuming much bread and sugar cause fatigue and brain fog for me)
*minumum amount of alcohol (dont ruin the next day)
*no tobacco (usually triggers negative thought patterns)
*taking care of personal hygiene (I start to daydream too much when I am not comfortable with myself now)
*daily cleaning (disorganized and dirty houses makes me uneasy and it is triggering - probaby reminds me of my childhood)
*daily routine (I havent tried it yet but I think it mmight work well for me.)

What to do when emotions overwhelm?
*Sit up straight
*Breath out (works better than trying to breath in when I feel like there is no space to inhale)
*Try Emotional freedom technique
*If I am not frozen with fear, try warm to cold shower, ice massage or anything relaxing.
*Sit with those feelings and look at them. What do I feel? Express it.

[sanmagic7]

i think your lists are great, berceuse.  i've never been so organized. 

best to you with your new-found means of staying present, staying within yourself, and just allowing yourself to be, emotions included.  it can be rough at times, that's for sure, but i give you all kinds of credit for beginning this.  yay you!!!   big hug.

[berceuse]

I miss my dad so much. I didnot have a Chance to get to know him but he Was my imaginary hero who would Come and save me all the time when ı felt so alone, misunderstood and helpless. I am so sorry that ı think you left me.

[berceuse]

I feel so tired. I dont read my previous entries because when ı sees a part of me there, ı feel stupid and really ashamed of myself. Probably the Last thing ı wrote put me on that loop. I try not to read it. I dont even know What is wrong with me loving and missing sb even though he is Dead. I dont know What happened in my childhood that even littlest intimate human contact makes me so anxious and self conscious that ı want to run away. I feel like ı Will never attach to anything Dead or alive because ı am incapable. My Mother Speaks so nicely to me on the Phone that makes me cry a little bit. May be the real problem is me. I lived in a bubble made out of my own stupid fantasies and addiction to pain. I do not know why ı wrote these here. To get attention.? I am crying While writing these. I should buy a Pen for my journal. I hope ı am not the toxic person and ı think Chances are not low

[Three Roses]

 
You are not the toxic one. I doubt you'd be in tears if you were.

It's a lie that you are addicted to pain. I'm pretty sure that's your inner critic working overtime. I don't think they are fantasies - I believe you, you're not making things up.

Be gentle with yourself, we care about you here.

[sanmagic7]

dear berceuse,

it's what the trauma has done to our brains and minds that make us think we're crazy, unlovable, or just plain at fault for everything that's gone wrong in our lives.  it's not you, sweetie.  not you at all. 

i don't believe we get addicted to pain, only that we have become so adjusted to having pain in our lives that we feel really uncomfortable, possibly even distressed when it isn't there, and we only know one way to ease the distress, which is to get back into a painful situation.  as we continue in recovery, we find out the truth of that pain, and eventually, gently, slowly, are able to back away from it, be rid of it, and not allow it in our lives anymore.

it takes time, it takes determination, and it takes support.  we'll give you as much of the latter as possible here.  you're so worth finding out your truths, finding out that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and that you have been mightily wounded.   

thank you for sharing.  i don't look back on things i've written about myself and my life, either.  i think it's because i write to get them out of me, and once they're out, i don't want to go near them again.  i may write about the same things at a different time, but it's usually because i've discovered another layer to get into and resolve.

we all come at this in different ways.  your way is just fine for you.  i'm very glad for you that you are getting the crapola out of you, and putting it somewhere so that it can't hurt you, sharing it with people who only want the best for you.  i've cried those tears myself.  i always think of those kinds of tears as getting the poison out.  i hope that's what they did for you.

keep taking care of yourself as best you can.  we're here to hold your pain as much as we can for you, gently and lovingly, so that when you're ready, we can help you get rid of it.  big hug, sweetie.

[berceuse]

Dear ThreeRoses and SanMagic,

I have been trying to say thank you for your support and nice words but my sense of identity is so scattered for a while and I cannot relate myself to any of the emotions I mentioned before. Also, that part of me who wants to take care of me seems like a stranger. However, I am not a new me either. I am just numb or I am in an emotional flashback probably. Yesterday I felt like I am stuck. I hated being home sitting with that feeling but going out seemed too scary, also. It is like being left alone and have nowhere to turn to. I guess this is a flashback.

I have been having more memory problems recently. It is as if there was a giant fog over my head. I mean whenever I try to remember why I am having these feelings, a part of me stops me from seeing those memories and covers it with a fog.
I turned back to where I am (to my sister's house-It is not a family home. We don't actually have a family home but mother stays here from time to time and she is the main trigger of flashbacks. I usually need a lot of time to fix myself after her visits) and daytime at home feels very triggering. I feel more peaceful and I can concentrate better at nights but daytime feels like a nightmare. I am mostly sitting in paralysis, unable to do anything efficient. The feeling is familiar.

In one of my nightmares, I was on a bus with my father. He was not speaking to me. Then I realized he was dead and started to cry and sob and even in my dream I felt the pain. Then I saw my mother on the bus and she tucked a plastic ball in my mouth and then I woke up. I actually have quite a few nightmares in which mother tries to kill or hurt me. It has been a long time since I saw that dream but after waking up I had realized that I felt exactly like that in the past. I don't know why I think about that dream or wrote here today.

I really want to get all this stuff off me. I am too tired living with a giant stone in my head. It feels like that. A cold, big, grey stone in the middle of my brain.

I used to go to therapy in college. As I have a weak memory, I don't remember how long and from when to when. It might be 1 or 1.5 or 2 years. During the therapy, I never get to realize I was not efficiently taken care of as a child. (This is the hardest thing I can say right now Even my anger is gone. This is scary but I also don't feel scared. Is this what they call apathy?) It ended because of my trust issues. I just remember bits and pieces what I was talking about. I think later is a better time to write. I feel so frozen right now.
Although I lost contact with my feelings right now, I just know (in a cognitive level) that you show respect, care and support here. I appreciate it very much. I hope I can feel that appreciation and support soon in addition to knowing it.

[Three Roses]

The part of your dream where your m stuck a ball in your mouth kind of resonated with me. If it were my dream I'd interpret that as my m trying to stifle the expression of my emotions.

I'm glad that you can at least recognize you are cared for here.  I hope someday you get to feel it, too.

[berceuse]

Thank you ThreeRoses,
About the stifling of emotions, you are right. I don't remember she ever asked me how I felt about anything and whenever I try to tell her sth, the subject always comes to her emotions, her memories, her sth. etc. She never tried to reach me indeed and blamed me for being closed and unreachable. She used to tell how hard as a child I was and they needed to take me to a psychologist when I was 2 or 3 because I was hitting my head against walls or pinching myself. Of course, I don't remember harming myself because I was a toddler but I also don't understand why I would be not open to communication and love as a child. How come a child can deny the only source of love? Then I should have been a self-sabotaging toddler. Yes, that makes a lot of sense.   
I used to tell in therapy how everything is wrong with me from the beginning and I am just a useless piece of something (I used to have a hard time calling myself human because I was not feeling like one) and should terminate my life for the sake of humanity. I really believed those ideas and every day I was waking up hating myself. Anyway, I am so thankful those times are over. Now I know I am a human being  who was born equal and who deserves to be treated as equal and with respect. This might me the only thing I know for sure. I am really thinking about getting a tattoo of the first article of UDHR to somewhere in my body I can always see. Then I will know how to treat people and how they should treat me. I really need that standard, something that I can count on as a standard.
My first intention was not to tell any of these. I am getting really depressed since I got back. I really don't know what to do with my life. I have a bunch of passions but any time I try to do something that I really wanna do, I quit because of some ridiculous reason and I can't get in touch with those feelings that drive me in the first place.  I lose my interest so fast. It is actually more than interest. Whenever I try to put an effort to realize what I have dreamt of all the time or whenever it gets real, my whole desire dies so quickly that I start to feel like I have never wanted to do that thing in the first place. Then I try something else that I like and I think I can do it for a living. The same thing happens. I detach from those views and interests. I feel like I am following a crazy person. The same pattern repeats itself over and over. It is so sickening.
I need space in my life and in my head. I need space for loving and caring for my self and for other people. I need space for giving my time and attention to what I want to do. Life is precious and I don't want to live a life full of regrets. I don't know when I am going to die but I know I will die and I really don't want to waste it.  However, all I ever do is sabotaging my self whenever I try to live my life, to be my self, to be with people whom I like, to do sth I really care. I am fighting against myself and I am always losing it. This is so frustrating.

[hopeful10]

Berceuse,

Reading your journal is very moving for me. I have experienced so much of the same pain and longing for love. Thank you for sharing.

She never tried to reach me indeed and blamed me for being closed and unreachable.

My mother was cold and unreachable too, and it's not your fault.

I really don't know what to do with my life. I have a bunch of passions but any time I try to do something that I really wanna do, I quit because of some ridiculous reason and I can't get in touch with those feelings that drive me in the first place.  I lose my interest so fast. It is actually more than interest. Whenever I try to put an effort to realize what I have dreamt of all the time or whenever it gets real, my whole desire dies so quickly that I start to feel like I have never wanted to do that thing in the first place. Then I try something else that I like and I think I can do it for a living. The same thing happens. I detach from those views and interests.

I used to do this all the time too. I would have (what I thought to be) another fantastic idea, and then it would turn to dust in my hands. In my case, I found out that it was because I was chasing the fantasy that if I just do this one unknown thing, my parents will miraculously love me, and it's been really hard for me to let that go. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I need space in my life and in my head. I need space for loving and caring for my self and for other people. I need space for giving my time and attention to what I want to do. Life is precious and I don't want to live a life full of regrets.

This is such a great attitude. Life is precious. Whenever I self-sabotage, I feel awful, but it helps me to remember that I can just pick up where I left off on my healing journey again. You can too. 

I also really connected with your first post about being a perfectionist. It's such a shame that people made us feel unloveable as we are. We are completely loveable, as is, today, right now. And whatever painful emotion is happening right now, it will pass. Keep your chin up!

[berceuse]

Dear Hopeful10,

I used to do this all the time too. I would have (what I thought to be) another fantastic idea, and then it would turn to dust in my hands. In my case, I found out that it was because I was chasing the fantasy that if I just do this one unknown thing, my parents will miraculously love me, and it's been really hard for me to let that go. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

It is so nice to hear that you broke that painful cycle. It gives me hope.  Similarly, whenever I dreamt of what I want to do, people always love me and appreciate me in the end. That longing for love is so big that I fantasize the whole world will love me for what I did. It is really funny. I have got fantasies about becoming a heroine. I usually don't start the process. I push some button and then it is just like watching a very addictive movie in my mind.  I do not know whether "me" in the fantasies is an impossible ideal me or just some parts of me stuck there. I sometimes feel the second option is also possible because I can feel love, joy, and safety in my fantasies. However, it is too hard for me to feel the love in reality. It brings so much doubt and fear alongside. I am not ready to handle that. I also know I am not a stone-hearted witch because I can show love towards anything on earth (animals, trees, the earth itself, stones, etc.) except for human beings. I do love them of course but it is so hard for me to feel it. Whenever I start to feel something for someone, I torture myself by imagining their death or me being used and manipulated by them in the name of love (which reflects the relation I had with my parents) and the possibility of being manipulated again arouses an irrational fear. Then I start to think I am already worthless and then the emotional hunger comes. Then I start to fantasize again and so on.

Yesterday it occurred to me that my father's death or the lack of mother love are not the only things that I need to grieve. I think that if I let those feelings out and grieve over my losses, I won't be in an anxiety spiral caused by repressed emotions like sadness. However, I never realized what I have lost from my self and I sit and write what I have lost from me and how much I missed them and it made me cry. I will not write them here right now but even feeling sad over a loss is such a nice thing. It is the natural reaction that I would give in the first place. I even missed feeling sadness. It sounds funny when I wrote that down but for quite a long time anxiety and fear were the only accompanies.

[berceuse]

-Possible triggers suicidal thoughts-
I am just too sick of being the person I am. I am too tired of dealing with all of these. I can't undo the damage that was done. I am stuck. I promised myself that I will give myself a chance.  I can do so much but all I do is to sit and look at the floor and sink in those feelings that feel like I lie in the bottom of a well. I would not be here at home again if I had not worked with my ex-boss who abused me the same way my mother did. What did I do? I worked for a month for him again although I hated being with him and he still did not pay me. Why did I do that? Because maybe he keeps telling me how much he loves me and how much he needs help and makes fun of me and never takes "no" as an answer. Now I am broke and can't go anywhere and I can't focus on translation for extra money. I sit all day and wait for my sister to come from work. I feel so useless. I also get the weird feeling that my sister likes my pathetic way of lifestyle which reminds me of past feelings and I don't know what are those feelings about. They are just too familiar and I can't define them.
I would like to do so many things. I have so many views about how to live my life and they keep changing and changing and changing all the time. I end up doing nothing because I get too anxious about what to do. When I try to resort to reasoning, it is never there for me. Everything in me is changing in a minute and I have no idea about who I am and what I like.
I just start to be too self-involved and I am afraid that I am just lost. I can't even listen to other people. I can't give them my attention because I am always dealing with my problems. I am afraid that I will end up being an emotional vampire who feeds on other's vitality like my mother. May be she already sucked all the vitality in me. I don't want to end up being my mother but all I am doing is getting closer to it.
I am sorry for being so pessimistic. I just needed to get this out of me. I know I love and care for people here. I don't want anybody to be in pain or to suffer esp because of sb else's mistakes. I used to feel this. I used to emphatize and listen from the heart. I really need to create space for myself. I am a loving person. I am not a cold-hearted, self-involved person. I am tired of feeling like sb else.

[Kizzie]

I am sorry for being so pessimistic. I just needed to get this out of me. I know I love and care for people here. I don't want anybody to be in pain or to suffer esp because of sb else's mistakes. I used to feel this. I used to emphatize and listen from the heart. I really need to create space for myself. I am a loving person. I am not a cold-hearted, self-involved person. I am tired of feeling like sb else.

No need to apologize whatsoever berceuse. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, I really am.  I know and understand the darkness and pessimism and thoughts that I would just like the pain to go away.  Personally for me  it has been really helpful to get these thoughts and feelings out into the light of day, and look to others for some care and support rather than isolate and ruminate away on them.  I get a lot of that at OOTS, but part of the reaching out has involved therapy and I wonder if you have that in your life? 

We can't undo the damage I agree, but with the help of a guide (T) we can heal to a degree, and we can learn to live with it in a more integrated way so that it is there but doesn't dominate our sense of self.   

I promised myself that I will give myself a chance.

Sending you much support and care to help you with your promise,

Kizzie

[berceuse]

Hello Kizzie,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feeling sorry for me. It means a lot.
I feel a lot better today. At least not suicidal at all.
Finding this site was revolutionary for me. I really mean it. I was looking at the symptoms of some personality disorders because I thought I was going crazy and needed to be institutionalized. Then I accidentally saw narcissistic abuse and then I found OOTS. I still remember the tingling sensation in my head. OMG, it is not me!
As for your question, I don't have therapy in my life right now. A guidance would be a lot helpful but I am not ready at all to build that kind of trust and open myself that much. Besides, I don't have a stable income. I am having a hard time holding jobs, as well.
I used to have therapy though when I was in university. I still don't remember how long it lasted. Let's say 1,5 years and she never diagnosed me with anything. When I asked, she always said: "I don't work like that" or something like that. She also didn't want me to leave when I wanted to quit therapy many times. I hope I am not telling it wrongly. The sentence sounds a bit excessive when translated. English is not my mother tongue. She was indeed understanding and nice. She was the first person who listened to me. Ironically, my mother took me there in the first place because she thought I needed therapy. Then M, wanted me to quit because there was nothing wrong with me and the T was still seeing me because she wanted to gain more money and would use me for her academic studies. I really don't know what the second sentence means. If nothing is wrong, then why would she write a paper on me? Ridiculous.  She had said sth like that. I really was like a puppet. Then I quit. I still don't know why I stopped seeing her exactly. It might be M undermining my trust to others (she does that a lot), or I was not ready to move further and get too anxious or I felt like I was getting nowhere because of the no-diagnosis policy. It doesn't matter now.

Anyway, so therapy is not an option for me right now. I am not diagnosed with C-PTSD either but when I first read about it in OOTS, I felt like Yes this is exactly what I have been going through for years. It was a huge relief and a shock at the same time. As far as I have read the forum, many felt like this also.
I don't know if M and her M (they raised me if it can be called raising a child) had some kind of personality disorder and I don't want to know at all. They were not very reasonable people and M shows some NPD traits but I really don't want to dig in this subject.

So, I depend on writing here which is really helpful and also reading about the subject. I told about C-PTSD to a close friend of mine and my sister. They listened to me but I guess none of them took it seriously. I mean they don't seem to understand how it is interfering with my life. At least whenever I felt like I am having a life. They just think it is me all the time. Anxious, sensitive and impulsive. So, I don't talk about that much and in times of C-Ptsd related crisis, I don't have anybody to ask for help in physical world but right now I think it is ok.

[sanmagic7]

dear, sweet berceuse, this c-ptsd beast just about does us in at times, i surely can relate to that.  it is so wearing, so exhausting to continue to battle for ourselves, battle against what we were taught about ourselves that doesn't allow us to see the beauty, grit, and glory of who we really are.

it tears me up at times, brings me to my knees at times, and enrages me as well.  this just is not right.

i'll be seeing a t this week with trepidation.  i've had so many bad experiences with them, but i know i need some help.  she's supposed to be versed in trauma - we'll see how far that goes.  i'm guarded.

happily, this forum has been a life-saver for me in all this time i've either had no t or incompetence to deal with.  all my years of therapy/counseling, and i've never been diagnosed correctly, either.  generalized anxiety at the most, but never have i ever been seen as being traumatized and what needs to be done to overcome that.

so, much of my progress has been thru reading and writing, and absorbing as much as i can the care and concern and understanding i've found here.  hang tough, berceuse - i'm hangin' right beside you.  sending you a hug filled with love, care, and compassion for what you've gone thru.