Effects of sexual abuse for me TRIGGER WARNING

[Blueberry]

TRIGGERS      for whole post

As I've already posted, sexual abuse in the family I grew up in had a lot to do with M's fascination with buttocks. (I choose a word hardly used in FOO, because words commonly used in my childhood trigger me). Anyway, other than M sticking her hands down children's (under)pants and all that, when she spanked (an action she seemed to take pleasure in), the sexualisation was palpable. Not just in her looks (which I also mentioned in previous post) but somehow by touch from her hand to my skin. So a reason to behave myself the way FOO and in particular M deemed appropriate was not just to avoid physical pain and humiliation, but to avoid this sexualised feeling. It has followed me to this day: fear of setting any kind of limits towards people in a position of power over me. Although I don't usually re-feel the sexualisation immediately any more, I do have all these other reactions like forgetting to breathe, throat tightening, going numb, skin all over my body itching etc.

All that just because I've just sent F a limit in an email, because of an email he sent a few days ago, implying that I'd hurt my M with my behaviour. I told my T this week what I was intending to send - just one sentence - and T OK'd it. A clear limit, he said. No JADE, I say.

OK, that 's enough for today. Now I need to go and push off walls and maybe move to some music to bring myself back from my semi-dissociated state.

[Three Roses]

Standing with you, Blueberry! 

[joyful]

Standing with you, Blueberry! 

Me too 

[Hope66]

And me too - standing with you, Blueberry.   

[Blueberry]

Thank you all very much! 
It's really surprising, but I'm doing fine again!  I didn't even mention this yesterday in T. It's good to reaffirm for myself that even an EF from this abuse can disappear within the space of a few days.

Yesterday we worked on another effect of this abuse and apart from feeling a bit irritable, a little bit dopey in my head (but only a little bit), and wanting to eat as well as procrastinate and not finish tasks, I'm doing well. That sounds like a big list of bad things, but not really by my standards. Especially because not the immediate physical symptoms.

[Blueberry]

One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways, though I'm not always sure what these ways are. I'm not triggered and catapulted into this coping mechanism as often as I am into eating / denying myself food and healthy drinks (like water) and pulling out my hair, but when I'm there, wow, has it been hard to not eventually give way.

We have worked on it a bit in T, I think even via screen technique and cutting off the emotional connection between me and perpetrator, I mean I think that was the last topic in screen technique. So last time the impulse came to carry out this coping mechanism, I did what my T had suggested which was lay my hands on my stomach and try and feel from the point of view of NOW what the Inner Child(ren) feel. Self-hate was the answer. I was however able to refrain from doing the coping mechanism and also the impulse went away. It wasn't a case of white-knuckled abstinence. The only way of getting rid of the impulse used to be acting on it. This morning I had the impulse again, and again I put my hands on my stomach. I didn't get any answer as to what the Inner Child(ren) were feeling, it was just blank, but again the impulse disappeared. This is huge progress for me. So I'm giving myself     

[Three Roses]

I'll give you some too 

[sigiriuk]

More dancing - I had an AHA! moment when you said dancing eases your dissociation.

Time for some 1970s Funk!

Slim

[jennyjenny]

I just read through this thread, and I would like to also congratulate you ! That's wonderful and very exciting...

[Blueberry]

One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways...

We have worked on it a bit in T... so last time the impulse came to carry out this coping mechanism, I did what my T had suggested which was lay my hands on my stomach and try and feel from the point of view of NOW what the Inner Child(ren) feel. .. I was however able to refrain from doing the coping mechanism and also the impulse went away. ... This morning I had the impulse again, and again I put my hands on my stomach. I didn't get any answer as to what the Inner Child(ren) were feeling, it was just blank, but again the impulse disappeared.

Due to this suggestion of putting my hands on my stomach, I've started to make real physical contact between my hands and my stomach, almost like caressing my own skin. This is significant progress because I can't caress myself otherwise. More likely I scratch myself or pull my hair out and feel repulsed by my own body. I used particularly to feel repulsed by my own body fat and now my stomach is probably the fattest part of me and I'm enjoying the feeling of my hands running over it.
TRIGGER WARNING

The coping mechanism for the sexual abuse (mentioned at the top of the thread) was also hands-on physical contact but violent, unloving, had to hurt in order to provide enough release to allow me to stop doing it and to get rid of the trigger. It wasn't on my stomach either. Ts used to suggest I do it in a more loving way and then I might be able to accept it and myself better but I couldn't just change it that way. Something else obviously had to change. The place on my body, and other things that I'm not aware of, yet. The 'other things' because I know that my mindset is different, I'm not even triggered when contact between hands and stomach. In fact, I'm definitely grounded in the here and now.

There was some idea my M had which she did sort of express in my childhood about fat children or fat parts of body being free-for-all. Like, it was your own fault if you were touched because by being fat this part of your body was visible, just waiting to be touched. That was just an excuse of course, she touched children she didn't consider fat. Not that I was fat anyway then, but some body parts are by nature rounded. I kept them covered for years in baggy clothing.

You'd maybe think I'd be anorexic after all that. Well, I used to be, but now I've gone the other way, as sometimes happens. With feelings of: I'm entitled to exist physically, I'm entitled to be visible, I accept myself and my body, and (even) I enjoy the rolls of fat on my stomach.

Yes, I do realise having fat on your stomach to the extent I have it is exceedingly unhealthy BUT lots of what has been going on in my mind and soul for decades is pretty unhealthy too. People don't point to that (unless they themselves feel affected by it) but people don't seem to have so much problem about fat-shaming even if they are not going to be affected by it. So please no comments on this aspect.
It could even be that once I've fully acknowledged the steps I'm making accepting and caressing my body fat, I'll be able to let it go. At the moment it feels like a big and major breakthrough anyway.

[Blueberry]

Yes, I do realise having fat on your stomach to the extent I have it is exceedingly unhealthy BUT lots of what has been going on in my mind and soul for decades is pretty unhealthy too. People don't point to that (unless they themselves feel affected by it) but people don't seem to have so much problem about fat-shaming even if they are not going to be affected by it. So please no comments on this aspect.

With 'no comments' I really meant no comments on unhealthy stomach fat! On all other aspects of my post I'm very open to comments.

In the past couple of days, I posted elsewhere on the sexual abuse done to me. It did help with processing a bit and also just with realisations. On the other hand, I suddenly felt kind of guilty for exposing FOO in public etc. (although they aren't going to read it). And as I'm capable of telling other people: it's not our guilt, it's not survivors' guilt, it's perpetrator's guilt!!! I was just feeling it for them as I was taught to do as a child. But I didn't feel it was an appropriate place to write on the other forum that this guilt was resurfacing.

On the other forum I can write more on sexual abuse for some reason, but here I get much more compassion. I'm 'heard' more here. So I want to find a better balance and not write too much without having witness to my pain / pain of little Blueberries. Here it's as if I have witnesses in all of you who just say things like: " Standing with you." It can be more, but it doesn't have to be, just that one little sentence is enough to show me I'm not on my own again. I need to be more mindful for me. Becuase when I start feeling guilty towards members of FOO, the hard-won stability I have disintegrates fast. I need my stability to function more or less IRL and to continue to heal.

[Blueberry]

One of my coping mechanisms as a child, which I had started by 8 years old at the latest, feels pretty addictive and very hard not to do when I'm triggered in a few particular ways, ..., but when I'm there, wow, has it been hard to not eventually give way.

Had the impulse again today and as I merely imagined putting my hands on my stomach for a split second, the impulse disappeared.  This is progress!

[Lingurine]

I last said to my T that I use my body fat to scare narcissists away.
When the time is right, the weight will come of, that's my opinion..
So no worries there, Blueberry.



Lingurine

[Blueberry]

Thanks Lingurine for the vote of confidence!  I love your devil. 

[Lingurine]

You are always so welcome Blueberry and keep writing about all the things that bother you 

Lingurine