Recovery Tools

[Kizzie]

I found the Toolbox at our sister site Out of the FOG (OOTF) very useful so I'd thought it would be good to do the same here at OOTS.  I've added a couple to get us started and if you have anything you'd like to see added please post them here.   Note:  Any tools should be fairly short rather than a book or complete workbook - those should go in the "Resources" section. 

There are also summaries of some of the longer/more indepth threads kindly prepared by Cat so that newer members can locate information more quickly and easily.  Tks Cat for your efforts in this regard!   

If you would like to contribute a summary or tool, please feel free to do so!  If you have any questions please PM me.

[Kizzie]

By Pete Walker: http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

1.   Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by
        danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

2.   Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far
        from the danger of the past.

3.   Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous
        situations and protest unfair behavior.

4.   Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and
        protection when she feels lost and scared.

5.   Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will
        pass as it has many times before.

6.   Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small
        and little is a sure sign of a flashback]

7.   Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

          a.  Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends
               unnecessary danger signals to the brain) 
          b.  Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).
          c.  Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
          d.  Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
          e.  Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react
              self-destructively to it.

8.   Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing:

           a.  Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame,
                hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.
           b.  Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments

9.   Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate
        - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion
        and our anger into self-protection.

10.   Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't
        mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

11.   Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes.
        Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

12.   Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and
        abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.

13.   Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually
        decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step
        back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

[Kizzie]

By Pete Walker - http://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

Perfectionism Attacks

1.   Perfectionism - My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory
        myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to
        make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have
        never been loved.

2.   All-or-None & Black-and-White Thinking - I reject extreme or overgeneralized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. One negative
        happenstance does not mean I am stuck in a never-ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me as "always" or "never" this or that,
        are typically grossly inaccurate.

3.    Self-Hate, Self-Disgust & Toxic Shame - I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn
         shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone,
         I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard
         it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.

4.   Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/Looping/ Over-Futurizing - I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to
        negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future
        perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I
        work in a way that is "good enough", and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not.
       "G** grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
        - The Serenity Prayer

5.   Unfair/Devaluing Comparisons - To others or to one's most perfect moments. I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. I will not
        compare "my insides to their outsides". I will not judge myself for not being at peak performance all the time. In a society that pressure us into
        acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.

6.   Guilt - Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt
        and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not
        apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – "I am afraid, but I am not
        guilty or in danger".

7.   "Shoulding" - I will substitute the words "want to" for "should" and only follow this imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under
         legal, ethical or moral obligation.

8.   Overproductivity/Workaholism/Busyholism - I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am
        more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the
        normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

9.   Harsh Judgments of Self & Others/Name-Calling - I will not let the bullies and critics of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them.
        I refuse to attack myself or abuse others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to them onto myself or current people
        in my life. "I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself". - Jane Eyre

Endangerment Attacks

10.   Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondrisizing - I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not "in trouble" with my parents. I will not blow
        things out of proportion. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. No more home-made horror movies and
        disaster flicks.

11.   Negative Focus - I renounce over-noticing & dwelling on what might be wrong with me or life around me. I will not minimize or discount
        my attributes. Right now, I notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many gifts Life offers me,
        e.g., friends, nature, music, film, food, beauty, color, pets, etc.

12.   Time Urgency - I am not in danger. I do not need to rush. I will not hurry unless it is a true emergency. I am learning to enjoy doing my
        daily activities at a relaxed pace.

13.   Disabling Performance Anxiety - I reduce procrastination by reminding myself that I will not accept unfair criticism or perfectionis
        expectations from anyone. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won't let fear make my decisions.

14.   Perseverating About Being Attacked - Unless there are clear signs of danger, I will thought-stop my projection of past bully/critics onto
        others. The vast majority of my fellow human beings are peaceful people. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection if threatened by the few
        who aren't. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends' love and support.

[Kizzie]

Forgiveness: Begins With The Self as published in: "Recovering: The Adventure of Life Beyond Addiction"Issue 35; November 1991. Available - http://www.pete-walker.com/forgiveness.htm

There has been a lot of shaming, dangerous and inaccurate "guidance" put out about forgiveness in the last few years, in both the recovery community and in transpersonal circles. Many survivors of dysfunctional families have been injured by the simplistic, black and white advice that decrees that they must embrace a position of being totally and permanently forgiving in order to recover. Unfortunately, those who have taken the advice to forgive abuses that they have not fully grieved, abuses that are still occurring, and/or abuses so heinous they should and could never be forgiven, often find themselves getting nowhere in their recovery process. In fact, the possibility of attaining real feelings of forgiveness is usually lost when there is a premature, cognitive decision to forgive. This is because premature forgiving intentions mimic the defenses of denial and repression. They keep unprocessed feelings of anger and hurt about childhood unfairnesses out of awareness.

Real forgiveness is quite distinct from premature forgiveness. It is almost always a byproduct of effective grieving and no amount of thought, intention or belief can bring it into being without a descension into the feeling realms. Conversely, cognitive and philosophical structures unreceptive to the possibility of forgiveness, sometimes block the access to forging feelings, even when such feelings are present. It might be that the most healthy cognitive position concerning forgiveness is an attitude that allows the possibility of its occurrence on the other side of extensive grieving. This attitude will work best if it includes the condition that feelings of forgiveness will not be forced or falsely invoked to cover up any unresolved feelings of hurt or anger. In this vein, it is also especially important to note that certain types of abuse are so extreme and damaging to the victim that forgiveness may simply not be an option. Examples of this include sociopathy, conscious cruelty, and many forms of scapegoating and parental incest.

When forgiveness has substance, it is felt palpably in the heart, and is usually an expansion of the emotion of compassion. Compassion is certainly not always the same thing as forgiveness, but it is usually the experience within which forgiveness is born. Often this happens via an intermediate process, where having grieved our childhood losses substantially, we occasionally find ourselves considering the extenuating circumstances that contributed to our parents raising us in neglectful and/or abusive ways. Most commonly these extenuating circumstances revolve around two issues. First, our parents often parent us in a way that blindly replicated the way that they were parented. And second, they were often supported in their dysfunctional parenting by the social norms and values of their times.

When considering this, we may sometimes "get" that our parents were also quite victimized, and we may consequently find ourselves occasionally feeling sorry (sorrow) for them. When and if this experience of feeling sorrow for them becomes profound enough for us to comprehend how similarly awful and unfair their childhoods were, it can sometimes expand into an experience of feeling forgiveness. However, unless this feeling of forgiveness for our parents is grounded in compassion for our own individual selves, (one that has been won via effective grieving for our own losses), the above process will be nothing but an empty mental exercise.

As real forgiveness is primarily a feeling, one which right intention can sometimes gestate it is, like all other feelings, ephemeral. . . never complete, never permanent. It is governed by the same dynamic law of emoting that shows human feeling experience to be a frequently changing, unchoosable and unpredictable process of the psyche. No emotional state can be induced to persist as a permanent experience. As sad as this may be, as much as we might like to deny it, as much of a cause of ongoing life frustration for each of us as it is, and as much as we were raised and continue to be reinforced for trying to control and pick our emotions, they are still by definition of the human condition, largely outside the province of our choice or wills.

Forgiveness then, at best, like love, remains a human feeling experience that can only temporarily be ours. When grieving has been thorough enough to be reintegrated as a normal and easily accessible process of the psyche, love and forgiveness can also become our consciously chosen values. This can happen in the later stages of recovery when we begin to notice and experience that functional processing and grieving of interpersonal hurts can often lead us quite naturally back into loving feelings. Thus, when I am hurt by intimates I may not be able to immediately invoke loving or forgiving feelings towards them, but I know that with sufficient communications and non-abusive venting, I will be able to return to an appreciative experience of them.

As much as I can forgive myself, that much can I forgive others. What I really forgive in others is an old pain of mine, released from the disgust of self-hate and loved and welcomed like a bird with a broken wing. Shame and self-hate did not start with me, but with all my heart, I deign that they will stop with me. I will do unto myself as I would have others do unto me.

[Bolding mine]

[Kizzie]

Here's another exercise from Pete Walker (bless his heart, we have someone awesome in our corner!). Available at http://www.pete-walker.com/index.htm under "Grieving and Complex PTSD"

Here is an exercise to help you enhance your ability to feel and grieve through pain. Visualize yourself as time-traveling back to a place in the past when you felt especially abandoned. See your adult self taking your abandoned child onto your lap and comforting her in various painful emotional states or situations. You can comfort her verbally: "I feel such sorrow that you were so abandoned and that you felt so alone so much of the time. I love you even more when you are stuck in this abandonment pain – especially because you had to endure it for so long with no one to comfort you. That shouldn't have happened to you. It shouldn't happen to any child. Let me comfort and hold you. You don't have to rush to get over it. It is not your fault. You didn't cause it and you're not to blame. You don't have to do anything. Let me just hold you. Take you're time. I love you always and care about you no matter what."

I highly recommend practicing this even if it feels inauthentic, and even if it requires a great deal of fending off your critic. Keep practicing and eventually, you will have a genuine experience of feeling self-compassion for that traumatized child you were, and with that, you will know that your recovery work had reached a deep level.

[Kizzie]

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:

    The right to good will from the other.
    The right to emotional support.
    The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
    The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
    The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
    The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
    The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
    The right to live free from accusation and blame.
    The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
    The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.
    The right to encouragement.
    The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
    The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
    The right to be called by no name that devalues you.
    The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

Excerpted from Evans, Patricia. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond. Holbrook, Massachusetts: Bob Adams, Inc., 1992.  Available: http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/emotional-abuse/

[Badmemories]

Thank You for working on this Kizzy! Great Job!! actually I was looking for the rights list I wanted to review it again. IMO it will help Me in feeling OK to set boundaries, and expect others to respect me!

[Kizzie]

Here's a worksheet I found at the Australian Adult Survivors of Child Abuse web site (http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php) about self-soothing:

Source: Survivor to Thriver (1999). The Morris Centre. Available: www.ascasupport.org

One of the most important skills for survivors to learn is how to soothe themselves emotionally. Most survivors never learn to self-soothe in childhood because parents who abuse are also often poor at soothing themselves and, consequently, at teaching their children to self-soothe. However, it is essential to your recovery that you develop some capacity for self-soothing early on in your recovery journey. You will need this skill as you proceed through the various stages of recovery.

Soothing is what good parents do when their children are upset. It often involves soothing touch that is warm and comforting. It can involve words that are reassuring, empathic and hopeful. It may involve activities that are physically, intellectually or sensorially nourishing, such as taking a walk, reading a favorite book or sharing a special meal. It can also involve daily practices that are spiritually uplifting and inspiring, such as meditation. When you can perform this type of caring for yourself  whatever your chosen activities may be  then you have learned to self-soothe.

You probably have you own list of self-soothing strategies. Some may be healthier than others. You will need to evaluate how you soothe yourself, so you can retain the healthy practices and try to eliminate or control the less healthy ones. Then you will need to add some new strategies that can provide extra comfort during your most emotionally challenging times in recovery.

The Ways I Soothe Myself Today (e.g., drugs/alcohol, eating, working, dissociating, shopping)






New Ways I Might Soothe Myself (e.g., exercise, meditation, journaling, warm bath, reaching out to others)

[Kizzie]

ADULT SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE (ASCA)
STAGES AND STEPS TO RECOVERY FROM CHILDHOOD ABUSE

Source: Survivor to Thriver, Page 115, The Morris Centre, Revised 7/99. Available: www.ascasupport.org

STAGE ONE: REMEMBERING

1. I am in a breakthrough crisis, having gained some sense of my abuse.
2. I have determined that I was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child.
3. I have made a commitment to recovery from my childhood abuse.
4. I shall re-experience each set of memories as they surface in my mind.
5. I accept that I was powerless over my abusers' actions which holds THEM responsible.
6. I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others.
7. I can sense my inner child whose efforts to survive now can be appreciated.

STAGE TWO: MOURNING

8. I have made an inventory of the problem areas in my adult life.
9. I have identified the parts of myself connected to self-sabotage.
10. I can control my anger and find healthy outlets for my aggression.
11. I can identify faulty beliefs and distorted perceptions in myself and others.
12. I am facing my shame and developing self-compassion.
13. I accept that I have the right to be who I want to be and live the way I want to live.
14. I am able to grieve my childhood and mourn the loss of those who failed me.

STAGE THREE: HEALING

15. I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches.
16. I am strengthening the healthy parts of myself, adding to my self-esteem.
17. I can make necessary changes in my behavior and relationships at home and work.
18. I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me.
19. I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past.
20. I see myself as a thriver in all aspects of life - love, work, parenting, and play.
21. I am resolved in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul.


Note: If you go to the ASCA web site there is a manual on how to work through the stages and steps.

[Kizzie]

This isn't a worksheet per se, but something you might want to print out to take to a therapist to discuss.  It is an excerpt from an article by Dr. C. Courtois (http://giftfromwithin.org/html/cptsd-understanding-treatment.html) about four stages of treatment for people suffering from CPTSD.

Treatment of CPTSD

There are four stages to treating CPTSD:

1.   Stage One - The pre-treatment assessment should be comprehensive, with attention to diagnosis within the posttraumatic/dissociative spectrum, posttraumatic and other symptoms, safety, and comorbidity (particularly substance abuse, medical illness, eating disorders, and affective disorders).

2.   Stage Two - The early stage focuses on safety, stabilization, and establishing the treatment frame and the therapeutic alliance. Measured by mastery of the necessary skills and not by duration, this stage of treatment may be the most important since it is directly related to the clients' capacity to function. Education in complex trauma and elements of the human response to trauma provide a foundation for skill-building. Skills to be developed include healthy boundaries, safety planning, assertiveness, self-nurturing and self-soothing, emotional modulation, and strategies to contain trauma symptoms such as spontaneous flashbacks and dissociative episodes. Additionally, attention to wellness, stress management and any medical/ somatic concerns is needed. Medications such as antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs are often helpful and should be considered to target posttraumatic symptoms and those associated with depression, anxiety, and sleep disorders.

3.   Stage Three - The middle stageof treatment begins only after stabilization skills have been developed and are utilized as needed. This stage involves revisiting and reworking the trauma with careful processing to integrate traumatic material along with its associated but often avoided emotion. This stage typically involves the expression of pain and profound grief but with the support and witnessing of the therapist. The re-working of trauma is always destabilizing, so the skills learned in the early stage of treatment provide the frame and skill-set needed to face and integrate the previously avoided traumatic material. A wide variety of techniques have been developed for processing trauma that are applicable to this treatment stage including prolonged or graduated exposure, cognitive processing therapy, cognitive restructuring, narrative exposure, and reprocessing, testimony, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, to name the most common.

4.   Stage Four - The late stage of treatment involves identity and self-esteem development and concurrent development of improved relational skills and relationships. The important issues of intimacy, sexuality, and current life choices, including whether to continue certain relationships and vocational choices typically occurs in this stage, if they have not been addressed earlier. Additionally, clients at this stage often encounter an existential crisis associated with a new sense of self and must struggle with the meaning of the now integrated trauma memories and with the losses they have endured. Survivors at this stage often struggle to embrace life with renewed energy and hope for the future.

[Annegirl]

Wow thank you SO much for posting all this up.
I will read it all. At the moment it seems I'm constantly stuck in flashbacks, but it really does help to realise it and tell myself it, it sometimes helps it to dismantle much quicker.
I am looking forward to going through all the information you have posted up here.
Thank you again Kizzie.

[Kizzie]

CPTSD EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS:
EXERCISE IN REFRAMING TOXIC THINKING
Developed by Members of "Out of the Storm" (Cat, BadMemories, Kizzie)
September 2014

A "scene" is what you picture in your mind, the "frame" is how you express it. For example, you hear "mousse au chocolat" (frame) and it instantly evokes tastes, smells, specific memories, maybe a certain kind of chocolate, maybe the social setting you expect to find it in, maybe the colour of your favourite bowl. With CPTSD scenes are often framed by our Inner Critic (ICr) in ways that trigger Emotional Flashbacks, a habit of thinking that we can learn to interrupt and/or counteract by changing the language we use to reframe the scene and defuel the ICr.

CPTSD Scene: Housework – you look around your house and it does not meet the (perfectionistic) standards you set for yourself which engages your Inner Critic.

CPTSD Frame: Your ICr kicks in and tells you that you are lazy, that nothing you do is ever good enough, that you are not good enough and never will be,  and triggers an Emotional Flashback (EF). You feel like a small child overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness and of being defective, and perhaps freeze/numb or feel anxious and depressed.

Reframe:  Your ICr's assessment of the scene is not accurate.  The toxic framing is taken from the past, from layers of pain and trauma that were inflicted by people who abused you. Those are their thoughts, not yours and you need to take back your right to look at your experiences and find realistic, rational and kinder words for reframing the event.

SAMPLE EXERCISE

Step One:  Identify the Scene - Ask yourself "What is the problematic thought that triggered my EF?

Example: My house is a mess (Scene)

Step Two: How Did I Frame the Scene? - Ask yourself "What feelings did the scene evoke and where did that come from?"

Example: I am lazy (Frame) which then because of our CPTSD can devolve into feeling worthless, inept and other negatives as the Inner Critic gets rolling.  Where did that come from?

My FOO repeatedly told me I am lazy, selfish, inept, not doing enough of my duty, not being selfless enough because if I were I'd be able to willpower my way out of this, and this proves that I'm worthless. I'm going into a "Freeze" response because my mother was responded to her traumas and problems with grimly determined actionism. At such times especially, her standards were exacting, and she'd try to exert control down into the tiniest detail. Since her temper was on a hair-trigger, it was best to stay out of her way - to just be small and insignificant, nothing that got in her way or attracted her attention.

Step Three:   How Can I Reframe the Scene? - Ask yourself, "What is a more accurate, realistic and kinder way of thinking about this?"

Example: I am not lazy and my house is just fine.  I only feel this way because I learned to be perfectionistic to protect myself in childhood from my FOO's criticism and rejection.  These are ghost voices from the past that interfere with my life and which I will banish.

********************************************************************************

CPTSD EMOTIONAL FLASHBACK EXERCISE: REFRAMING TOXIC THINKING
OUT OF THE STORM

Step One:  Identify the Scene - Ask yourself "What is the problematic situation and thought(s) that triggered my EF?







Step Two: How Did I Frame the Scene? - Ask yourself "What feelings did the scene evoke and where did that come from?"









Step Three:   How Can I Reframe the Scene? - Ask yourself, "What is a more accurate, realistic and kinder way of thinking about this?"

[Kizzie]

 . 

[schrödinger's cat]

Summary of the Thread: Self-Soothing, started by schrödinger's cat  (Updated 15 Nov 2014)

A part of our recovery is learning how to "soothe our Inner Child". This isn't easy to do, since many of us weren't adequately soothed in our families of origin (which is how we got CPTSD in the first place).

Practice self-soothing when you're relatively fine. Once you're tense or sad, motivation to self-soothe can be low. Practicing will also let you find out what works for you in which situations. It lets you try out new things in a relatively safe way. One thing you could do is pack a self-soothing box full of options that you know are effective for you. Put a list of self-soothing activities in your box along with some of the objects you might need. If music helps soothe you, create a self-soothing playlist so you don't have to hunt for a particular song. (credit: buttterfly)

If you're noticing that your inner child is in distress, you might try asking her what she wants to do. (credit: bee)

Things that are soothing in one situation aren't soothing in another. When your alert system is firing danger: try physical activity (exercizing, hiking, biking, going for a walk). Moving the major muscle groups is said to help the body get rid of stress hormones, and is often recommended to people with PTSD. (credit: butterfly, with additional points by globetrotter and schrödinger's cat)

When you're feeling hurt or sad, try a soothing activity that engages your senses. Here's a list of examples. Do each of these things in a mindful way, focussing as much as you can on the experience. Find out what sense you prefer, and then try to find activities that relate to that. Examples: sip hot tea, pet a dog, watch a sunset, sit in a rocking chair, eat a piece of chocolate... Ideally, find something that engages several senses at once. (credit: butterfly)

Another way to soothe yourself is by purposely doing something that gives you a sense of connection, a sense of control, or a sense of meaning. Examples:
Connection: perform an act of kindness for someone, help those who are less fortunate; practice mindfulness or do a grounding exercize to connect to the here and now; connect to your body via exercizing, embracing yourself, or stroking your arm or leg; journal to connect to your emotions; do something nice for yourself to connect to your needs and wishes. If you are already able to contact your Inner Child in some way (e.g. by having it write in a special journal), make a point of validating and praising her. Alternatively, you can practice Active Listening techniques on yourself, either in a journal or out lloud.
Control: clean or declutter your house, organize your closet; write, play, laugh; try to observe the situation you're in as if you were a journalist or a poet; give yourself credit for all the ways you were in control (e.g. by protecting yourself, setting boundaries, self-soothing, planning ahead,...); do a visualization exercize where you picture your traumatic situation as if it's a tilt-shift photograph or a black-and-white movie you can pause, mute, fast-forward, or shrink into a pixel.
Meaning: activities here might relate to your purpose in life, or they might be about a spiritual connection. Consider prayer or meditation. Connecting with others who suffered in similar ways can also help give our own experiences some meaning.
(credit: butterfly, pam, schrödinger's cat)

Sometimes, what you need is to simply detach from an uncomfortable situation. Ways of doing this are (again) writing, palying, or laughing. Several of us distract ourselves by playing computer games, watching TV, or reading a book. Creative self-expression and the arts can also distract us while still letting us express our feelings (examples: playing an instrument, writing songs, creative writing, painting,...). (credit: butterfly, badmemories, pam, annegirl)

Related to self-soothing is the idea of re-parenting ourselves by practicing self-compassion and self-protection. Butterfly writes about them here, quoting Pete Walker.

For those of us who were groomed to be a "good daughter" or a "good boy" who was compliant, small, and hidden away, a certain rebelliousness might be surprisingly self-soothing. Pete Walker once told his Inner Child that he'd like to go back in a time machine and send his parents to bed without dinner. I like to eat foods that scandalize my parents, and to paint my toenails in weird colours. (credit: kizzie, butterfly, schrödinger's cat)

However, the mere idea of self-soothing can be distressing.
---If you were never soothed, every self-soothing activity might poke at that inner wound and trigger emotional flashbacks. If other people take care of you (even if it's just in a hospital), this might bring out into your deep hunger for any form of caring and trigger an EF. If that is true for you, finding ways of detaching might be a good idea (such as creating a 'peaceful place' in your head, then focussing on that and 'going there' when you're in distress so you can calm down). (credit: bee, kizzie)
---If you're schrödinger's cat, you simply don't trust good things in general, because a part of you believes that they'll be taken away again. If, in your past, every joy was followed by an equal and proportionate negative reaction, this might make you wary of letting you have good things. (credit: my dutiful mother who never got to have fun when she was a kid)
---Worst of all, if someone in your FOO had a personality disorder, they might have become angry if someone was happy or comfortable, leading them to shame you for every single attempt to practice self-care or self-soothing. Consequently, most forms of self-soothing are now triggering to you. (credit: zazu)

Various resources: Kizzie posted a downloadable worksheet on self soothing. It's attached to this post. She also posted Pete Walker's grief exercise for the inner child in this post. CrystalB mentioned Belaruth Naperstak's "Guided Imagery for PTSD" and Dr David Illig's "stress reducing hypnosis with subliminals".

[schrödinger's cat]

Summary of the Thread: My Body Project, started by spryte

For various reasons, some of us have a rather terrible relationship with our bodies. We hate it, and/or used it as a commodity to win attention, and/or were unable or unwilling to even figure out what it needs. We're alienated from it or even at war with it. That is bad for our health - we don't take proper care of ourselves, for one thing. Spryte's Body Project is meant to foster a realistic self-image about one's body (instead of the very negative one we may have internalized). It's also meant to teach us how to figure out what it needs. Spryte's suggestions on how to do that are here. (credit: spryte)

In the rest of this thread, we discussed our relationships with our bodies, for example
---why we have such a bad relationship with our own body: girls being told from infancy that we should have been a boy, ending up in bad relationships that are solely based on one's appearance, forcing ourselves to sit still and not move because we were taught to be inconspicuous,
---how we mistreat our bodies: starvation diets, constant dieting, yo-yo dieting, not eating for days
---how we try to fix things: no more dieting, exercize, eating enough fresh fruit and vegetables, allowing ourselves a bit of comfort food every now and then instead of seeing certain foods as "dangerous", self-massage (spryte gave a link to it in her initial post), drinking enough water, no longer squishing our impulse to move about and get some exercize
(credit: keepfighting, andyT, spryte, schrödinger's cat)

We also digress into poking fun at our lives. Normal people talk about juggling many responsibilities - a career, their family, charity work, etc. Meanwhile, we're juggling balls called "get enough sleep", "do some laundry", "breathe properly", "learn to feel feelings". (credit: spryte, schrödinger's cat)

Then we digress some more: we talk how good it feels to do "grown-up things" that we would never have been allowed to do as a kid. It's surprisingly good fun to do things that would definitely make one's parents have a small freak-out (like buying the wrong kind of muesli, having ice cream for dinner, or having blue toenails). (credit: spryte, schrödinger's cat)