Parent with Aspergers

[meadow]

Hi all,

This is my first post as a new member. I was diagnosed with CPTSD a couple of years ago and my father has just recently been diagnosed with Aspergers at age 55. I've noticed a lot of posts about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is interesting because NPD appears to have several overlapping traits with Aspergers, with the exception of social charisma. Some shared traits include:

1. Self-centeredness; inappropriate to developmental level and cultural expectations

2. Poor self-awareness, poor ability to develop remorse or learn from mistakes

3. Poor empathy or appreciation of others feelings

4. Poor ability to reciprocate emotions.

5. Treating people as objects or preferring objects over them

Anyway, I've lived my whole life thinking of my father as verbally and emotionally abusive but now I'm starting to understand that his behaviors weren't intentional, just unchecked.

Now, I'm trying to learn to build a new relationship with him based on this understanding but I'm scared. For over 20 years I've had to bend to his will and had little of my own emotional needs met. I'm struggling with striking a balance between empathizing and holding him accountable for the deep-seated emotional damage he unwittingly and continually provokes.

A word of encouragement to those who've had to face family members with NPD: if the shared traits between Aspergers and NPD have a tendency to result in CPTSD in loved ones, the common denominator is being in close proximity to these specific traits, not you.

[Three Roses]

Welcome and thanks for your insights! Good to have you with us.

[Blackbird]

Thank you Meadow, this is very enlightening.

[sigiriuk]

Thank you for this info. The man who adopted me also has Aspergers. Very few people with Aspergers are emotionally abusive. If they are, they may have had significant childhood trauma themselves.
Severe childhood trauma can sometimes mimic Aspergers: it really depends on the skills of the clinician, to tease out what the core difficulties are..
S

[GlassChild]

My father is also on the spectrum and just recently received medication and treatment. He was very prone to outbursts when I was a child and that's where most of my trauma comes from. It is a hard pill to swallow -- realizing that the person who negatively affected you the most, also just needed help. I have very weird feelings about it. I'm on this journey with you.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi slim
I did a family constellation session and I gained awareness that my dad is likely to have aspergers
I've forgiven him mostly for what he did/ didn't do and I see him as just as flawed as me ... I love him
Now I choose what I share with him emotionally and have low expectations
Saying that it hurts sometimes, esp when I'm struggling

[alchemist]

 :)I am glad to hear that you can start healing knowing your father is not NPD but has Asperger's.  They are VERY different disorders.  One person CHOOSES to be that way(The Narcissist) and is deliberately that way(the Narcissist) and one has no control and no say in the matter as they have a neurological deficit-Asperger's Syndrome.  Yes, being near people who lack compassion has dire results.  I am glad you are here.