Feeling like a Monster *trigger warning* responses would be amazing

[Elphanigh]

Dee, thank you for responding even when this is triggering for you.  You are truly amazing. It is good to not be alone in this. I try to think the same things about kids that young. For what it is worth, I don't know what you went through, but I do not believe you ever could have been evil. I do hope you see this but understand wanting to avoid this thread. If it was not my own I might do the same as it would be triggering for me too. 

[Dee]

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you everyone for your kindness yesterday. I truly needed all of that to be in a better place this morning. You are all an inspiration to me. I don't often feel like that so strongly. It has been a while, actually. That used to be my usual self talk, it is what I believed of myself all of the time. I didn't believe I was worth anything, certainly not any good I had been afforded in my life, because I was given good in my life. Your kind words have allowed me to have a better outlook today, to not be stuck in that. I don't want to be what happened to me, or the toxic family I grew up in. Thank you for showing me that other people don't believe that I am.

Wife#2, thank you especially for welcoming me and having so much to say. I stayed as warm and loved as I could last night knowing that I had a place in someones heart. That you truly believed all of what you said. I could nurture my inner child a little bit because of you I think. I am not good at nurturing her when I feel like that.. back in child mode where I was so convinced I was horrible and not worth anything. Thank you for helping me out of that and showing me more kindness that I could have ever expected. I am truly thankful to have your support and presence here.

[Wife#2]

I thought of you last night, as I hugged my son and put him to bed. You were there in my heart and in our hug.

These are the things we all deserved to hear and know about ourselves when we were young. That we are valued and valuable, the special delight  in someone's world, just because we exist. That each of us is a treasure, most of us yet not discovered, of love, warmth, joy, sharing, caring and laughter.

No, life is not easy for anyone. No, perfection will never be accomplished by any mortal human. Still, those of us who survived nightmares had the best parts of our birthrights as humans stamped out. The wonderful news is that we can find it and reclaim it.

If holding you in my mind's arms through yesterday, last night, today and tomorrow can in some small way help you see that path to your birthright, then I can count one good thing done well in my life.

[Elphanigh]

I am honored to have been part of that hug. It is hard for us that went through terrible things and got it taken away. You and this forum have given me some hope that it is possible to reclaim it.

You have done many wonderful things in your life I am sure. You can certainly count this as one of them. I am so grateful, it has truly helped me.

[lambchop]

Dear Elphanigh,

I'm so glad to hear you are doing better today after such supportive, insightful responses. They helped me as well! I drew some parallels to my own existence and have some healing experiences to share. You are not a Monster – You are a Survivor. I was insightful enough at 19 to recognize I had a very distorted perspective on who I was and what my reality was that I sought therapy and was fortunate to find Viola who truly helped me make sense of my existence and perspectives. She helped me to understand that we are not defined by our behaviors – behaviors can be learned and unlearned. We are defined by our core values. Goodness and evil exist in all of us. Children are full of goodness. Our goodness continues to grow when it's cultivated and nurtured by our caretakers in the proper way. Unfortunately, children are also easily exploited and those who haven't learned to gain control over their evil side take advantage (whether wittingly or unwittingly). You were a child and were behaving your way through a horrific situation because that's what the adults in your life were forcing on you. For some that goodness becomes permanently squashed but it seems for you, you stayed connected to your goodness because you're here and willing to face what happened. You're recognizing that you did monstrous things – which you were forced to do -  but that doesn't make you a monster. As an adult you now have the freedom to choose different behaviors that align with who you really are.

Speaking of hugging your inner child, I was having nightmares when I started with Viola. I shared one with her that I had of an emaciated, disheveled and malnourished little African American girl under the age of 10 who was crying uncontrollably.  Our eyes locked on to each other and she came to me arms open and I grabbed, held and comforted her for what seemed like forever. When Viola asked me who the little girl was, I didn't immediately think it was me since I'm Caucasian but the Aha moment came. There were lots of symbols there and they all pointed to me. Continue to be kind and gentle to yourself – it will take time to heal and recover from this and I believe you'll get there.     

[Elphanigh]

Lambchop, thank you very much. It is great to hear you see that I stayed in goodness and it isn't gone. I feel like I fought for that in my life, one of the very few parts of me I was ever willing to fight for. I have also been plagued with nightmares, although I am not nearly as much as I was before I started getting some help in college. My first round of therapy wasn't super helpful but my nightmares became less crazy.

I am so glad you were so young and could get that kind of help. I wasn't brave enough until I was about 20, and I got very just surface level help. I wasn't truly ready to unravel everything. It is very impressive that you were and that you found someone so helpful. That is a really powerful dream. and way to subconsciously nurture your inner child.

I am learning to nurture mine. I try to color sometimes and am just naturally attached to having warm blankets on me whenever I can. That isn't intentional but I know it is a comfort that little me did really hold onto.

Thank you again for the encouragement. I do really hope I can heal 

[Wife#2]

  I believe in both of you, Elphanigh and Lambchop. HUGS to both of you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much. Hugs to you both 

[lisbeth]

sorry if this is repetitive.  You are not a monster - you were a child and groomed and also frightened to disobey, the people who molested you are the monsters.  Being able to admit what happened is incredibly brave and shows you are making progress.  Remind yourself that you actually had little to no control and that you are doing a great and tremendously difficult thing by processing and dealing with your nightmare past.  Best to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. Not repetitive at all. It is important for me to hear these things. It helps me get past it even as slow as I am working on it.. it helps. I need to reminder for myself that I am not what they told me I was and not what I used to tell myself I was.

[lambchop]

Thanks for the hugs Wife#2 and Elphanigh - they feel really good right about now. Elphanigh it's very important that you do all you can to not let the negative self-talk take control of your thinking. If your blanket brings you comfort stay with that. I have heard that it takes a 1000 "at-a-boys" to negate one negative thought. Hanging on to hope as in your statement "I hope I will" is good but I'd encourage you to start trying to switch from hope to believe. Along with your innocence, your belief system was stripped from you. Try to begin rebuilding it, even if you have to start from scratch. Drawing only on the positive side of your thinking, write down everything you know about yourself to be true. Add to it as you go, look at it every day. I did this during a retreat when I was in my early 40s. The retreat leader had us all write into a binder with tabs labeled, who am i, values, spirituality, love and other meaningful life components. This exercise helped me recognize a lot of positive things about myself – and seeing it in the written word is more powerful than thinking it. To add even more validation to what I already thought about myself to be true, I added a list I like to call "Evidence of Value" where I list relevant people who saw in me what I didn't see in myself. Do these things for you and your inner child because you're both worth it!   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much Lamchop! Those are wonderful suggestions I will definitely have to start them. I have really struggled rebuilding the beliefs I think that could really help. As you pointed out believe is stronger than hope. I will work on that too. I really appreciate it.

I am working on emdr but think this could add to my recovery. I truly want to start working on giving my inner child more attention

[sigiriuk]

Hi Elphanigh
To be blunt, you have survived a messed up set of terrifying and brutal events.

You do have superpowers, and they have helped you through the most unbearable past, and coping with flashbacks.

I too have these superpowers, as does everyone who survives. This is what binds you and me.

It is a strange bond because it is trauma based, but nevertheless it is indestructible.

Because you know exactly how I felt, down to the tiniest and most subtle detail.

And I do not feel alone, because of you.

S

[Elphanigh]

Slim E,

Thank you for being blunt. We are all bonded in this way, it is definitely an indestructible.

I am so glad to help you not feel alone. It is a comfort for me as well.