FOO letters - not to send

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Hope67

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Re: FOO letters - not to send
« Reply #30 on: February 21, 2018, 03:16:39 PM »
Hi Blueberry,
That is a really well put together letter - just wanted to say that.  Really expresses things, and  :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: FOO letters - not to send
« Reply #31 on: February 21, 2018, 06:58:08 PM »
Thank you Hope  :)

______________________________________

And another one:

B1,

Idk if this should be more a letter to you or to me or to both.

I treated you with gratitude because you were the only one in FOO to apologise to me a) for what you did and b) on behalf of the family as a whole for what it did as a unit. Because M and F never apologised for anything, this seemed huge. And so I was grateful.

I now realise that gratitude was the wrong reaction. It left me vulnerable in a still-disordered family. It left me vulnerable to attack from our mutual SIL. It left me looking up to you still; still the little sister looking to her big brother for protection.

You did protect me when I was small, you protected me from much bigger children who would have beat me up. In that way, you made M's life easier. Without you, she would have needed to collect me from school every day the way another mother did her child in my class. But because you protected me outside the home, you were somehow then allowed to treat me as you wanted in the home. M said so. That was always her reason: "well he protects you at school".  Brilliant. So you got to decide how to treat me at home instead as compensation.

M was paying you off because you relieved her of arduous work (collecting a 6 year old from school). It wasn't just that year either. You continued to treat me as you wanted and M continued to trot out her excuse long after you ever needed to protect me, long after we were in different schools and lived in other parts of town.

You've helped me financially on and off since then. I thought it was because you'd changed. But I know now after Horrendous Event that nobody in FOO has really changed. So you were playing Generous Big Brother and I was grateful. But still not treated as a proper human being with own thoughts and emotions and just as much right to proper treatment in FOO as you. I'm done with gratitude now!

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Blueberry

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Re: FOO letters - not to send
« Reply #32 on: June 02, 2018, 01:59:17 AM »
To SIL2,

I'm so angry at your treatment of me. I'm hurt too. I see your manipulation now. Your attempts to curry favour with me when I first got to know you.

I'm jealous of you too, I admit it. You're an alpha female in my FOO. What you think and do is oh so much more important and more believed than what I think and believe. You know that. You know you can treat me how you like and nobody will curb your behaviour or stand up for me.

You think you're so knowledgeable about human characteristics, human relations and about psychology because you did a course on it during college. Your branch of medicine has nothing whatsoever to do with psychology and psychiatry! But you think you know it all and unfortunately my Bs both believe you. I know far more about what I suffer and similar aspects of psychology than you do.

You're similar to M. You think you're a perfect person, you can't imagine how you could be like M, but you are. The scathing remarks, the put-downs, the inability to put yourself in another person's shoes, manipulation, gaslighting. You put words in my mouth. I think you're a BPD Queen/Witch combo. So much is about appearance for you. When I dropped something on the floor and made a little noise before a family event started, you shot me a look. If looks could kill.... During the event a non-related person dropped something and made a noise. You sniggered. Then I understood your reaction to me. You saw me as an embarrassment to you because I was in your 'party', an extension of you. Not that people round about would have known. And you snigger about somebody who's not in your party. You fit well with FOO, who divide the world up into us and them or winners and losers. If you don't divide people up like that, you can look at people and rejoice at the good things that happen to them instead of sniggering at their slip-ups.

No wonder I'm so triggered around you. For M, I'm part of her entourage too. She couldn't see me as a separate entity, I don't think she can now either. She felt embarrassed by me. But you're triggered by me too. Instead of accepting me the way I am, you push me around like M did and does, try and manipulate me, try and push me into things I don't want to do. 

I tried with you. I put up with all sorts of stuff from you for the sake of your H, my B, and so as not to create a fuss, the way we're not meant to in my FOO, or because I was a guest in your house.

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But I'm back in my head, whereas my feelings are  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:  :blowup: and  :bawl:

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Blueberry

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Re: FOO letters - not to send
« Reply #33 on: September 19, 2018, 06:59:37 PM »
To F,

I've been thinking about you since yesterday, since I saw in the news that there was a bad road accident near you. Would I be ready for you just to die? No, I wouldn't actually. I'm not healed enough for that. Unfortunately, there isn't a way round this. I wish I could talk to you and you would understand. But I've tried often enough. I know you can't understand or don't want to. You "can't" means you're "not able to". It doesn't mean I haven't been explaining properly. Unfortunately you believe the latter and so does M.

I still miss part of you. People round about here used to tell me you obviously did me good because when you visited I was less depressive, I smiled more. That was before I realised how much you were stabbing me in the back, that was before I finally knew that you were never going to support me when somebody else's interests got in the way.

Apparently it's normal to side with your spouse against your adult children, or at least to be on the same page as them. You're not actually always on the same page as M when you're with me on your own and she's not always on the same page as you. You never have been, you spent my childhood fighting with each other about things small and large, but not about the really important stuff - M's treatment of us kids. So you're meant to be on the same page as M, but that doesn't mean you have to fight her battles for her. She ought to be able to deal with her own against me. Everybody else in FOO including you expects me to fight my own battles or put up with everything and everybody more like. But certainly, there's nobody in FOO who will fight my battles with or for me. Nobody who will stand up for me against my sibs or sister-in-law, or against M.

It's good that I wrote that out because now I feel less sad and weepy. Not that I was crying, I just wished I could. 

I haven't heard from you since I sent you a limit. But I'm getting used to that a bit. If I set a limit in FOO, it's accepted now but whichever FOO member (or other ones too) retaliate with even more versions of silent treatment. I'd be going against my better judgement if I told you that my limit-setting is done to protect myself and my very shaky emotional state from you all. Whereas you apparently don't need to protect yourself from me, you're just retaliating. Like way back in my teens where you and M both reacted like so "You don't want to be addressed by your nickname, so we won't use it". Me: "I don't want B to use it, it's not appropriate for somebody who beats me up." You still stopped using my nickname. That hurt me at the time. It was as if you couldn't separate yourselves from him, as if you were hurting me to get back at me 'hurting' him. Though I was just setting the only limit I could to show I didn't approve of the way he was treating me. Later came "You're not speaking to your brother?? Then we're not speaking to you."

You guys are so messed up. I am too unfortunately. If I weren't anymore this wouldn't still make me sad.  :'( :'(

Blueberry