Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Hi all,

I am starting a new journal for this. I have realized that I am starting a new chapter in life and in my recovery, so it is fitting to start a new one. Thinking about my life as it has been and finally realizing what it is that I want in recovery right now and  in life in general, has really helped me.

This is going to be a journal to me figuring out what healthy is for me right now. I was never shown what a healthy balanced life looked like, and I have realized that is what I want to find right now. I want to figure out how to live a healthier life, and feel healthier towards myself. Not to have so much unhealthy self talk and then just cycles in my life that are unhealthy for me.

My other journal was unfocused because I really didn't know where to start and what I wanted in recovery when I started that. It was a place to get things out. I feel the need to start anew in here as my life is truly starting anew. I have a new place, a new focus, and soon to be a new relationship status. This is a new start for me and I want to separate that from where I was. This is a journey to a healthy me, not to what I thought recovery would initially be for me

[sanmagic7]

good for you - with you all the way!  hugs!

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for the happy response! I am not really sure where to begin after I get my apartment done, but I will speak with my T on Monday. I think she is probably going to be glad that I have some sort of direction in my head now. Rather than just wanting to stare down the memories. I thought that was the way to go, just power through the memories and I would be better. I have rethought that approach, as I think she has kind of been trying to lead me too without forcing on me too much. Just leading me to find the direction maybe.

Either way I listened to this live video, and have done some reading. Has really inspired this shift in my focus. Maybe I don't have to face down all the memories at once in a stare down just work through them approach. Maybe I can see what healthy things I want to be doing and figure out which bits are stopping me from getting to that healthy point. No doubt that will mean facing memories and patterns of abuse but in a way that isn't just me wanting to push through them.

That in itself may be a healthy things that I have found

[Elphanigh]

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that me striving to be healthy is going to require me to start being a bit more selfish. I have to be able to put my needs at least mildly above others to make this work. As a survivor this is a very difficult struggle, and I think the first thing I will need to conquer. I have to get past feeling guilty to looking out for my own interest, and for not always being able to save other people. In order to be  healthy, I need to figure out some boundaries and draw them for myself.

I have listened to some podcasts, and read some about healthy boundaries. This may be my first big task so I can truly begin to look inside myself more to figure out what I need for this healthy life balance. This adventure is terrifying but I am determined. I think it is going to hurt, but as a growing pain almost.  I want to be on the other side and healed already, but I know I am not and have a long way to go. I won't be able to just instantly accomplish that. I want to keep people around who respect my need to do this. I will need encouragement and love. I need to be able to give myself that as well. This is going to be a long journey starting now.

It is so easy to jump into my self sacrificing pattern, I find myself trying to slip into it as I go with this. Doing this is against my instincts because I was taught to always put others ahead of myself. I was taught that the only worth I had was my ability to help and save others. I am learning that I have some worth outside of that. I deserved to be happy as well. I deserve help because I can't do this all alone. I am trying to be kind and patient with myself through this. So I am typing here to remind myself to do just that today.

[Elphanigh]

List of things I think healthy will require
1. Boundaries with my family, with Sara, and a few other individuals
2. Self-compassion
3. Positive self talk
4. A calmer base level (need my  normal not to be so anxious)
5. Acceptance of myself and where I am (this is a moving target but I need to accept where I am in life)
6. Healthier job environment
7. More stable finances
8, Less of a savior complex
9. Balance  between work and play
10. More emotional control

I think a list of ten is a good base idea of what I want. This is what comes to mind. I want all of  those things, I can't get them all at once. I can now reference them here. I have written them on paper as well.  I just need to figure out how to get each of these places. I am excited to see my T on Monday. It will be great to share this turn and hope that this can be a productive thing for me. Shifting my view from just being able to stare down my demons and attack them full on, to being able to create good and happy things for myself. Focusing on the goal of good rather than simply less bad might truly help

[sanmagic7]

that sounds pretty wise to me - bringing in more good/healthy into your life rather than simply focusing on what was neg., even if it is to stare it down.   sometimes it may be necessary to bully those demons back to where they belong, which is outside of ourselves, but i don't think we have to have that as our main focus.

i like to break that word selfish down to being self-ish, as in focusing more on self than on others.  we've usually been taught that this is a bad thing, that we're bad people for wanting to care for our 'self'.  how many times did we want to play with something that was rightfully ours, only to be told to 'share'.  we weren't even allowed to enjoy our own things when we wanted to!

no wonder the word 'selfish' has gotten such a bad rap.  there's hardly anything worse than being called selfish, unless (in my case) it was to be called lazy.  once again. lazy has been the neg. label used when we want to take some time off to rest, relax, to regroup.  to be self-ish.

that's not to say that i don't like to share, because i do, but i enjoy it when it's on my terms, on my timeline, and when it feels right for me.  anything that's forced feels like it's in order to appease someone else's agenda or way of thinking. 

so go ahead, be self-ish, take time for your self, do it the way that pleases your self, enjoy your self.  your boundaries and perspective are important to keeping a healthy self, to my mind.   i'm glad for you.   

[Elphanigh]

Breaking that word down makes it so much easier to look at.  Thank you for that. It is a challenge to focus on my self because of two bad rap the word has. I spent my life epbeing expected to sacrifice for everyone else, and only to be worth something in the sense that I could help people.

I thought staring st the memories was what I needed, I am rethinking this

[Elphanigh]

I told part of my story to someone last night in pretty good detail. I expected some back lash because of it today. Like some emotional, or physical back lash or something. Instead, I feel energetic and happy for the first time in a long while. Like having someone believe me and understand was such a big deal.  Knowing that I was working so hard to find ways to not blame myself, to see them as the problem and not me. To deeply get validation for not only my sexual abuse, but also my emotional, physical, and verbal abuse that came as a background to the more prominent sexual aspects.

I think I needed that validation, to be okay taking a step back and being more patient with myself in my healing.I am terrified that this will rob the rest of my life from me. I am 22 and have so much time ahead of me. I have giant aspirations for my career and for more degrees that I want to achieve. I am terrified that my Cptsd will rob me of that. It affects so much of my life, and recovery is so difficult. I don't want to just be a product of my abuse, but I am worried that I will never get to be more than that. It is hard to imagine a life where that is the case.

I want to get to heal, to just stare down the demons and move on with my life. To prove my strength against them and just be done. It is so hard to know that I can't just do that. I can go in guns blazing and be done in a short time. That I can't just stare it all down at once, fight them, and then have them go away. To know that I will always struggle in some form. That I won't ever completely be okay, that I can never have that fully because many people chose to give me this life when I couldn't choose for myself. It just makes me sad... makes me wonder if I can ever have the life I dream of... or if what happened to me will permanantly set me too far behind... to damaged to ever lead a normal life. Right now it all looks normal, but put me under the stress of grad school, and getting a phd... maybe I won't make it. Even now it looks normal on the outside but I am like a duck... peddling like crazy under water to keep it going.

I guess  I am just scared and sad of my Cptsd some days. I didn't ever get given a chance to live my life as it should have been. I don't know any different than a life full of abuse. I mean my last abuser was a narcissistic teacher I had for my undergrad degree. That until recently I didn't have a name for what it was she did to me... I know now she is a narcissist that did a great deal of damage, and I have done a 180 for fields of study because of her. I lost a passion and had to find a new direction because of that abuse...

I  just want to be healthy. I wish I could stare all my memories down, all of my abusers (how ever many that actually is), all of the demons that created... I wish I could stare them down, look at them with great strength and move on. I don't have that strength... I spent too many years being groomed, and gaslight... I spent too many years experiencing so many different types of abuse... I can't just stare it all down.. It won't just go away. I can't just simply live a life that I want to. I have to constantly balance recovery with the rest of my life.... and I hate it.

I hate the fact that I didn't get a choice in this all. I didn't choose to have this.. I didn't choose to experience anything that I did. Certainly, didn't ask to have to go through this fight for the rest of my life... I wish I knew life without abuse, at least for a little while. Maybe something to hold onto but I don't get that. I didn't get to becuase people decided to hurt me, and blame me. Chose to teach me how worthless and horrible I was instead of protect me.

I don't want this fight... I shouldn't have to fight.. but I do. I just want to be done sometimes, to get to live without it. Sometimes wish I could yell at them for what they caused. I don't get angry often but it happens occasionally. I jsut know I don't deserve this but am stuck with it. I am terrified this will always be my life...

I didn't ask for this.. none of us did and that is horrible.

[sanmagic7]

it is horrible, and it isn't fair.  i'll tell you straight, you are 22 and coming at this guns blazing.  i didn't get to where you are until 2 yrs. ago.  i'm 69.  i have every faith that at your age, you will, indeed, be able to put this behind you for the most part in much less time than it took for you to realize it. 

elphanigh, i'm so happy for you that you are battling this with the knowledge of what it is at such a young age.   i have more than 50 yrs. more abuse piled on.  for me, i can realistically say that i don't know that i'll ever get through this before i die, but i have every faith that you will.  you will get your ph.d, you will go on to realize many of your dreams, and you will have a happy, abuse-free life, if that's what you want.

it may not seem like it to you now, it may not look like it for the future, but you're also going through an emotionally difficult time right now, and that always makes things look dimmer.  you will survive, you will keep on keepin' on, you will eventually be able to stare down those demons and eliminate them (or at least get them to a manageable state where they don't interfere with the way you want yourself and your life to be), maybe not all at once, but little by little.  they won't run your life forever, won't haunt you forever, won't torment you forever.  they will become memories that you can accept, and move on from.

keep going, sweet elphanigh.  you're doing fine, even in your venting.  you're getting the poison out, and that's a good thing.  you still have dreams, and that's a good thing, too.  in time, things will fall into place.  big hug to you.

[Elphanigh]

My dear Sanmagic7, that legitimately made me cry to read. In a good way, don't  you worry, but it takes a lot to bring me to tears. You are very kind to me, and give me so much hope.

I am grateful to have gotten to this point so early in my life, while at the same time terrified that I am at it too early. Like I won't have enough life experience or strength I guess. I am glad you did finally find this place two years ago, and wish you very much luck on your recovery. I do hope you get to find peace in your life. I read my first psychology book at 14, and read about ptsd because I wanted to know what was wrong with me because I was different. I grew up the always curious academic, with a lot of my memories in tact. It is a blessing for sure, to know all of this and be going guns blazing. I forget that sometimes

Thank you for all of your beautiful faith in my ability to get through this, and lead that life. To have my Ph.d and be happy.  It is what I want, it is my way to help the world be a better place. To build better minds through it.

That third paragraph is where I cried. Hearing all the they won't statements, just thinking about a life like that and the idea I could have that.... that someone thinks that I can have that. It gives me hope and tears. Starting this process is terrifying as you well know, especially with more abuse on you than I have years in my life. My last one ended last year thankfully, and I have been pushing to realize things since. Really since I was 14 and read that book. I am grateful to be a book worm. It is hard to envision the life you set out in that paragraph, but I want and hope for it so much. Whatever it may feel like I know I want it, and wish everyone here could have that. So much wish that you get that.

Thank you San, you are beyond sweet and kind to me. You care so much, I can see it in the words you write to me. You are truly a friend my dear. I apprciate hearing that I am doing fine and that my venting even is good. I have fought to keep my dreams, they are what got me through I think. I had this dream of everythign I could do, everyone I could help. That kept me alive this far. My books and my dreams are what keep me here, I have fought my whole life, I am nto about to give up I promise. I feel like doing so sometimes, I kind of do right now but  your response has helped reignite that flame. I have always been a fighter and will continue to do so. I  have a flame brighter than anyone would expect and I fought for that right.

I do truly hope to achieve that life you describe. I have no real idea what that would be like, but one day I hope to find out. I hope you find out as well. You deserve it so much, with everything you have been through, and everyone you help. You are one of the most kind individuals I have ever known, and I am lucky to have you at all. You bring light to my life every time I read something from you. I want you to know what you have and are continuing to do for me.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, dear elphanigh, for your kind words. 

don't get me wrong, i've had a great life, and have realized most of my dreams (i think, really, the only one i'll miss now is going to see the sistine chapel.  that's  been a dream of mine since my 20's) in spite of everything else that's gone on.  i moved across country out of my folks' home when i was 21, lived among surfers and the beach life of so. calif., experimented - sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll!.  i've traveled both with others and by myself on road trips, seen most of the u.s. by car, i got to live in a foreign country for 15 yrs, and all the experiences that brings, i went back to school in my 40's, got my master's, worked as a therapist with troubled adolescent girls in my 50's, and had great success there.  when i was 60, i even got a paper published in a professional journal (without access to a library.  just found a way to do the research i needed online).   i married 3 men (the last one was when i was in my 50's) who i loved, had 2 daughters.  those were all dreams of mine that came true, and they were dandy.

so, in spite of or because of what i've gone through, i learned from it all.  just, i suspect, as will you.  i don't think you're too young.  we learn as we go along.   the rules change from place to place, but as long as you've got an open mind and that great curiosity, you'll be just fine.  you'll make mistakes, but you'll learn from those, too.  no shame, no blame in that.  you read and you listen - that's how we learn.  i believe you have a very bright future ahead of you because you're going to make it so.

you're working through one of the lumps in the road right now, but you'll come out stronger on the other side.  i know that sounds like a cliche, but, from personal experience, that really is how it works.  just keep moving - forward, backward, sideways doesn't always matter much.  the movement is what's important.  without movement, we stagnate and eventually wither.  even when we take a break, we're moving in a positive direction.  everyone who posts on this forum is moving in some way, shape, or form.  it takes movement to bring yourself here and let yourself be heard.

i think you're really doing well, sweet elphanigh.  keep those dreams - they are what help keep us going.  love and hugs, always!

[Elphanigh]

That sounds like such a wonderful life. What an adventure. I want to travel like that one day. I have done some but have such wanderlust. Europe is in my books for August (at least a short trip). 

Thank you for so much support and faith. Also just for sharing so much with me, it dos truly give me hope for my future. I do truly mean all of the kind word dear San    Your kind words, hugs, and love go a very long way for me. I smile more because of them some days.

It is nice to have someone think I am doing well, I am too hard on myself. We are our own worst critics to put another cliche into our conversation.  Hugs to you as well, we are making it through this crazy adventure. I would be very lucky to be as wise and as hopeful as you

[Elphanigh]

Going to post here as I am dealing with remembering more. I know part of me wants to fill the gaps. Part of me wants to remember so I can get over all of it. So I know exactly what I went through. I remember a lot, sometimes I think I know too much. However my mind suddenly deciding I can start to have my repressed memories back in the last month or so is not a fun adventure....

Currently wishing to never get them back as I am getting one more fully back at work. I remember it flashing by a bit when I was telling some things to a friend a few days ago but now that I was kind of close to an anxiety attack it decided to be more fully formed and evil. I don't know why I ever thought I would want these back. I really don't

*Trigger warning*


I am rememebring more fully the trio of men that hurt me, while egging each other on... I remember a newer one that flashed by but now I can feel it like I am choking on it almost... Can see what she forced me to do to her, I can feel the fear and hear the words said to me... can see why I was so afraid.. can see little me on her knees.... wishing to fun away for anywhere but where she was.... I can see how horrible one of my abusers was in this moment, why one of my fears is truly there in real life...

I don't want these back... I don't want to remember. It feels like going through it again. I don't want that.. I do want to heal and maybe that means these but damn I wish I could have them at times where I was somewhere I could handle them... not at work where I have lost my ability to do my job correctly at this moment

I want to run, to not remember ever.. to go play with chalk and never come back... far away from anythign stressful that can hurt me and cause this....

[Elphanigh]

Had some time to breathe this out and get back to my logical self. Thank goodness for the fact I carry good smelling things on me at all times.

I need to let these come as they do, which is much harder than that simple statement suggests. They are scary and I am trained to doubt myself so it is hard not to fight them, because I don't want to think they exist. I doubt my own ability to remember. Like maybe my mind is making thing up. I heave to remember I would never create these. I don't want to have been abused or to be scared and feeling that. I would never choose to create the things that I remember.

Whether or not they are 100 percent accurate I will never know, but the trauma from them is obviously there. I am not creating false trauma. I wouldn't do that, goodness knows I have enough. I also know just how it is to remember what I do have so I wouldn't intentionally put more on my plate. 

I will learn to trust and breathe through these in time, to not judge them. They are there for a reason, there is some residual trauma surrounding them, and my mind for whatever reason thinks I can handle them.

This too shall pass

[sanmagic7]

i've had memories come up outta nowhere as well alone the line.  don't know why, don't consciously know what triggered them, they just appeared.  there was a time within the past year when they were coming fast and furiously and i could barely keep track.

sometimes i got overwhelmed - there were just too many too fast.  that really didn't  feel good at all.  it would mess me up at times.  but, with the help and support i found here, i was able to make my way through a large part of them.  that felt really good.

now i have some residual stuff that comes up every so often, but mostly i'm focused on my physical maladies.  they are overwhelming and wearing.  i think it's great that you keep good smells on you to help you through the tougher times.  again, you're doing really good with this.   

trained to doubt yourself.  that's quite a statement right there.  this stuff sucks so much.  when we were born, we never doubted ourselves.  that shows how much mind-bending we've come through.  i totally believe you're not making any of this up, not the memories, not the trauma.  that goes against our being human.  you are, however, finding great ways to deal with both.  big hug.