Staking my ground

[Blueberry]

This is huge progress! In a nutshell: MINE! MINE! MINE!
Excuse the caps, part of that is a relatively small inner child yelling. My little Blueberry is allowed to shout after years of being silent or at best whispering so that nobody would hear.

I live and work in the same building. My office is on the ground floor and everybody else in the building goes through the area outside my office to go upstairs or to other parts of the ground floor. As is the case in my country, it's clear to everybody that I'm responsible for keeping that area clean and changing the lightbulb. But it also seemed clear to most people that they could leave whatever they want(ed) in this space, like bicycles and garbage and furniture, and it never occurred to them that they could sweep the floor even, after using my space for however long they chose to.

It would be useful to me to have a little waiting area with a chair outside my office. In the past couple of weeks I've dared to think more on that. First I started with putting a poster up which is related to my area of work. 10 days ago or so I got two matching chairs and I even stuck my business logo and name on them. Didn't matter. A neighbour moved them so she could put some large items of garbage and broken up furniture there. It did take me a while to figure out how to approach her best, but today I did on the spur of the moment: I simply told her that that wall and the space immediately in front is my area, could she please move her stuff somewhere else. After an initial: "everybody else puts stuff there too", she backed down and moved her stuff right away.  I hadn't been expecting that and I would've even given her a few days. But this is fine too!

Now I've had the energy and courage to put up a sign for my customers complete with business logo designating my waiting area, and a separate sign to all neighbours in the building saying: please put your stuff somewhere else.

I know I had the energy for it because I finally had the courage to do it. When I'm frightened my energy disappears.
I probably have more courage tonight because I was able to feel anger towards M and F today, which I posted somewhere else. Maybe in my Journal, maybe under Employment.

Even if nobody else on here understands, which is possible, this is huge for me. 

The messages I got as a child, teenager, and even as an adult, and probably also as a baby were: I'm not meant to exist, I'm a burden, I'm in the way, everybody else is more important and everybody else is right. And here I am saying: No, my neighbours are not more important, they don't have more rights than I do! They're not allowed to simply walk into my area and use it as if it were theirs. With writing this comes the memory of my B coming into my room, invading my space as a teenager to hit me or threaten me or just yell out of control. I had no safe place, when he was in that kind of mood. And I was constantly rebuffed and ridiculed by FOO if I attempted to complain. No wonder it's been so hard all my life to even stand my ground, never mind stake it.

    I'm so excited and so proud of myself.

[Three Roses]

This is such great news! How wonderful! To go from shrinking away from "confrontation" to being able to claim what's yours and defend it is really huge. I'm really happy for you!!

[Blueberry]

Thank you ThreeRoses. Today I'm feeling slightly embarrassed about my little waiting area - there my chairs are with nobody sitting on them. But they are staying there! And I'm sitting with the feeling, knowing that the broken up furniture, garbage and somebody else's child's bike with a flat tire weren't any more 'useful' there either.

Besides I know that after I've made real progress I often get a bit wobbly in my resolve. One of many good things about this forum is that if I post on progress here, I'm more likely to stick to it and not run away / hide.

[clarity]

Aah blueberry I could dance for you!!  

Totally get why you are so excited and proud. Claiming our space in the world physically is a major breakthrough. I can imagine some of your child selves sitting on those chairs swinging their little legs and looking at you with such gratitude and relief!   

And thankyou for sharing this. It helps me too as I have personal space issues to resolve. So encouraging!... 

[Candid]

Well done for reclaiming your personal space, Blueberry! 

The Universe loves symbolic gestures. ~ Louise Hay

[Blueberry]

Hey Clarity and Candid, thanks so much for replying to this because that reminds me: JUst look at that progress I made less than 2 weeks ago! It's easy for me to forget somehow, or to forget in my emotions. Your emoticons really help there. They speak to our emotions not just to our heads.

Yes two inner children are now sitting on the chairs swinging their legs, thanks for that image, Clarity. Happy to have helped you too. That's what is so good about this forum. A fine example of  "contagious health" / "contagious recovery".

[Candid]

Last time I looked you were too unwell to work, now you're claiming your power. I'd love to sit in your waiting room, no matter what services you're selling!

[Blueberry]

Yes, it's amazing how fast I get well again. I'm not doing anything for clients today, so far anyway, though I did offer one. Not just getting well again but even more new ideas exploding like fireworks on how to improve on a little project for August (when business is very slow in my branch and corner of the world).

[Candid]

Yay you, Blueberry! I'm feeling more upbeat today, too, so yay me as well!

[Blueberry]

Yay Candid  Way to go!

[sanmagic7]

yay all of you!  i almost didn't read this, but i'm so glad i did!  i felt yucky most of the day, this is the perfect, upbeat way to end it.  such a victory is wonderful for me to go to sleep with.  that, and bob's burgers.

blueberry, look at you!  way to go.  dancing in my mind with the rest of everyone, fireworks galore.  cheers and huzzahs!!!  warrior spirit to the fore for all.  big hug, sweetie.

[Blueberry]

More progress in this general area!

A while ago I put pictures on my basement door as well as a notice to others in the building to please not put their garbage cans, bicycles etc in front of it. Since then I've been removing garbage cans fairly often and putting them some where else.

A couple of days ago one of the people in this building started piling up boxes and huge sacks in this shared space that my basement door leads off. She totally filled up the passage way leading to her own basement storage and to somebody else's but she left my basement door clear!    My perseverance has paid off!   

[sanmagic7]